There once was a man who lived with a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them so much, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Soon after, they got married.
A few months later, on his way home from work one day, his car broke down a few miles from his house. He called his wife to let her know and she suggested he walk the remainder for a little exercise because she was really busy preparing dinner. He agreed and just as he got on his way, he passed by a small café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans emanating from it. Since he still had those couple of miles to go before he reached his home, he figured he would be able to walk off any ill effects that might occur if he quickly stopped in to have a little of his favorite food. Three extra-large helpings later, he was back on his way home, and, just as he thought, it was filled with one fart after another. But, by the time he arrived at his front door, he felt reasonably safe that he had gotten it all out of him.
His wife met him there and seemed somewhat excited to see him. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She then put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he unfortunately was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone thankfully rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went into another room to answer the phone. While she was gone, he quickly seized the opportunity by shifting his weight to one leg and letting it go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg, causing him to have a hard time breathing for a moment, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He started to feel better again when suddenly another urge to fart came on. He raised his leg again and let it rip. This time it sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelling even worse than the last one. To keep himself from having to inhale it, he tried fanning his hands and arms around a bit, hoping the smell would dissipate better than how the napkin had fared for him. But in the midst of doing that, the last one he’d emit came out of him and it was a real blue-ribbon winner. It was so loud that even the table shook and so foul-smelling that he actually started gagging. He did everything he could to dispel the smell away from the room.
Thankfully, a few minutes passed before his wife’s phone call ended, which by then the toxic air seemed to have returned back to normal. Still blindfolded, but now smiling, because she hadn’t discovered his worst trait, he felt thoroughly relieved. When she re-entered the dining room and asked him if he had peeked at the dinner table, he reassured her he had not. Then, upon removing the blindfold, she exclaimed, “SURPRISE!”
There, to his shock and horror, seated around the table were twelve very unhappy, frowning dinner guests, each of them being his dearest friends, who were all there for his 40th surprise birthday party…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
