Category: The Spiritual Side Of Sexuality

I debated for quite awhile on whether I wanted to write about the topic of infidelity. But after much dilemma I felt it was for the best. This is not an easy subject for me to be writing about at the present time solely for the fact that I’m still in the thick of dealing with it. But as with all my writings, I am finding it’s healing to do so. So I would like to apologize to all of you in advance of reading this in entirety, only because its length is beyond my normal entries. I pray and hope for all those out there who have either considered cheating on their partners or done so already in their lives, as well as for all those who have been a victim of it, that my words may be healing on some level…

A few days ago, if you were to ask me how my relationship was going with my partner, I would have said that everything was amazing and I meant it. It had been over two years since we first met online and twenty months since we officially became a monogamous couple, or at least from what I had believed to be so. We rarely had any heated discussions and if we did, we always worked through them in a timely fashion and with a lot of love. While I believe there is always room for growth in every department of a relationship, including sexual intimacy, neither of us rarely had any serious complaints with each other. But all of that came crashing down in my world in a fraction of a moment, when my partner’s phone innocently beeped somewhere around 2am early Monday morning.

I was seven days into one of my ongoing trips back and forth between my home in Massachusetts and his in Ohio. He had retired early due to his work schedule the next day, while I remained awake and ironically had been writing an entry in here about embracing my inner child through my watching of cartoons. By the time I had completed that article it was just about 2am. It was then I went into his office to spend the normal few minutes it takes for me to write in my grateful God journal, which I do at the end of each night prior to going to bed. While I sat there in his desk chair writing down the fourth thing I was grateful for on that day, I heard a strange beep from behind me and noticed his cell phone was flashing. I thought it odd given how late it was, so I took a closer look. On its screen was a strange message from a number with no identification other than its digits. While I am unable to recollect its exact words at the moment, it was from someone who appeared irritated that my partner hadn’t gotten back to them and wondered if his partner (meaning me) was still in town. Immediately my heart started racing as I got a bad vibe from the message. Up until that point, there had been a high level of trust established between my partner and I where it was ok for us to answer each other’s phones or messages. But what I found out next in doing so, changed all of that.

In the course of a few minutes, this person provided hard to refute evidence that my partner had cheated on me with him only weeks prior when I had been at my home in Massachusetts. At first I thought it was a joke or that the person had texted the wrong number. But when they provided my partner’s name and a picture that was taken by me during a wonderful day we had spent together only a few weeks prior, my heart sank. Suddenly, I noticed I was shaking with anxiety, which I haven’t felt at any point or on any level since my relationship began almost two years earlier. I immediately went into the bedroom and woke up my partner to have a discussion, where I proceeded to watch the scenes of so many movies I’ve watched play out. First came the major denial by my partner of who this person was. Next came the pieces of information he kept changing during the conversation. And lastly, the truth began pouring out slowly by surely after almost two hours had passed with him giving more and more denials.

I really wanted to believe my partner’s innocence when he sat there and said things to me like “I swear to God on my parent’s graves” or “That’s the truth, I promise”. But I realize that his fear had gotten the best of him already on what he had done from the moment I showed him his cell phone. The long and short of it is that my partner had cheated on me back in the middle of October when I had been home for several weeks taking care of some personal matters. I learned his indiscretion had begun back in September, weirdly enough on 9/11, when he had been cleaning his filing cabinet out. There he supposedly had found a piece of paper with a name and number on it of someone from a previous fling before we had ever met. He had texted that person to see if they remembered him and his slippery slope to infidelity began at that precise moment.

While I am still struggling to understand how such an amazing relationship could have something like this happen to it, I’m working more on coming to acceptance that it happened. The five stages of grief seem to be applying in that process as I am still floating in between all of them trying to arrive to that stage of acceptance. The truth is, I’m still in shock over the matter because my partner is someone who constantly spoke with passion about his disapproval of those who cheated on their partners. My brain is having a very hard time wrapping itself around that fact and the idea that he went as far as he did in his indiscretion. All of it has left me in a difficult spot filled with so much confusion. To get through this, I have been having to look in the mirror and see how my own past was filled with similar behaviors. Some say karma’s a bitch and maybe indeed it is. Maybe I just needed to feel what it felt like to be on the receiving end of this. In all actuality, I am just as guilty in many of my past relationships of similar behaviors to my partner’s infidelity.

While I never fully went into any type of sexual relations with anyone in this lifetime while being monogamous with another, I believe I once walked time and time again, a tightrope of what monogamy really entails. I used to maintain many friends I secretly lusted after and wanted to sleep with. I also used to look at porn for hours on end fantasizing about images of people I’d never meet. I even went as far as having sexual chats on the computer or on the phone with people where I claimed things like I was lonely or that my partner wasn’t giving me what I needed. I often played this sympathy card because deep down I was so insecure that no matter how much love any of my partner’s ever gave me, it was never able to fill that bottomless pit of despair I felt from within me. And when I wasn’t playing that sympathy card, I was making crazy excuses to myself as to why it was ok for me to be doing what I was doing. All in all, when it comes right down to it, any form of lustrous behavior or actual infidelity by a person in a committed relationship does nothing more than cause a destructive path for everyone involved.

It hurts the person doing it because of the guilt it creates within their soul and the poison that guilt manifest itself into for all the unspoken time it’s hidden away. It hurts the person they’re doing it with because of their involvement in sexual behaviors that are dark and not filled any love and light. But most importantly, it definitely hurts the other partner they’re cheating on so profoundly, especially if that other partner has been doing everything they can to love and support them and their relationship.

The simple fact is that any form of infidelity, whether it is acted upon or walked dangerously closed towards, only ends up bringing more darkness upon one’s soul and this world. It breaks down all trust and communication previously established in a healthy relationship. And it also creates an incredible amount of doubt, insecurity, and feelings of betrayal. And no matter what the reason why anyone ever does this, it all boils down to their selfishness and self-centeredness. Usually the person doing it wants to boost their ego and create a feeling of being more desired. But the reality behind it is that the person is really just unhappy with themselves or their life in some way. And while it may be their hope that playing the field while in their committed relationship will bring them what’s lacking from within themselves or their life, it ends up only creating more heartache and pain for them as it has for my partner.

I honestly can’t say I know where our relationship is going to head from here because of all of this. But I can say that I have already forgiven him and I do feel that my spirit and the God of my understanding wants me to give him a second chance. At the present moment, I have begun the process of doing so, as I truly believe in the saying to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The fact is I never used to practice that in all my previous relationships, but through God’s guidance, I am desperately trying to do so now.

Will my partner prove the saying true that “Once a cheater, always a cheater” I don’t know? I know that I have proved that saying wrong, as even through the greatest temptations I’ve faced lately, I have remained faithful to this relationship and plan on continuing to do so. So for my partner’s sake, I hope he can prove it wrong as well and I pray as well that he’ll receive spiritual guidance as he begins his own healing process on accepting what he has done and the ramifications it’s had on his soul, and my own. In the meantime, I will remain as devoted and loving to my partner as I have since the day I knew I had fallen in love with him, because truly, that’s what I believe God would want of me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

In every same sex relationship there are, of course, two people of the same sex. So that’s either two males or two females right?! My asking this may sound rather funny to you right now, but for whatever the reason, it always seems as if heterosexual people want to know who plays the female in a same sex relationship and who plays the male.

From an outside perspective, it may appear that same sex relationships always have one partner being more masculine and one more feminine. But there is a problem in saying this though and that’s because it’s technically a judgment. And why is that a judgment? Well who makes the determination of what traits are considered masculine and what’s considered feminine? It’s not as if there is a manual out there that defines this. Instead, it’s society that does.

Throughout history, a woman was usually the person who did the cooking and the cleaning. They also took care of the kids, if there were some, and any other day to day household duties. The males, on the other hand, were considered the breadwinners and left each day to go earn the wages necessary to support the family. But as everyone can see, this has changed tremendously in these last few decades. In fact the roles are now becoming more equally shared with both the men and the women in those relationships each having a paid job as well as helping out doing the household chores. This same shift has occurred in the workforce where jobs that were once held primarily by men are now becoming equally shared with women such as in something like construction. There’s also been a shift with those who watch sports, such as baseball and football, where it once was mostly men, but now women have just as much of a love for them. The list goes on and on of how the lines are much more blurred now with the roles for a man or a woman. But sadly, in the case of same sex relationships, too many people still want to define who’s playing those roles.

Take for example two males in a same sex relationship where one of them is staying at home and working around the house, doing the cleaning, and preparing the meals, does that make them the female role? Society would have the tendency to say yes. But the reality is that this labeling of who’s the male role and who’s the female role in same sex relationships is a lot more about three very specific traits. They deal with a person’s voice, their appearance, and their desires sexually in bed.

In regards to one’s voice, many people would assume today that if a woman has a deep voice, that she’s probably a lesbian. If the woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s further assumed that she’s playing the male role. On the other hand, if the man has a higher pitched voice, many would assume today that he’s probably gay. And if that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s also further assumed that he’s playing the female role.

In regards to one’s appearance, many people will also make the assumption today that if a woman cuts her hair short and wears jeans, that she’s probably a lesbian. And like before, if that woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s also assumed that she’s playing the male role. No different is the view on a man who wears brightly colored and loud looking clothes, or walks with a “swish”, where it’s assumed that he’s probably gay. If that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s just as much assumed that he’s playing the female role.

In regards to one’s desires sexually in bed, there is this concept of who plays the “top” and who plays the “bottom” in a same sex relationship. The “top” is usually considered the dominant role and the assumption is made that it’s masculine for that reason. The “bottom” is usually considered the passive role and the assumption is made that it’s feminine for that reason.

There’s a common thread amongst each of these three traits. They are all based on assumptions and an assumption is nothing more than a judgment. There are no hard core truths or facts which indicate a person’s masculinity or femininity based upon the level of their voice, the way they look, or what their desires are sexually in bed. Unfortunately, it is simply just society that creates this.

The real truth is this. Every single human being has both a feminine side and a masculine side regardless of whatever their sexual preference is. While a person may allow one of those sides to become more pronounced than the other, that doesn’t necessarily make them gay or lesbian nor does it mandate them to be living in a more masculine or feminine based way. Saying so is truly just placing judgments and only adding more to the polarization that same sex relationships receive.

Personally, it’s my hope that God will start leading everyone away from trying to define things like this. There are so many more important things to focus on right now that have greater relevance with homosexuals and same sex relationships. Equal rights, gay marriage, and bullying are just a few examples. Maybe if people stop focusing in on things like who’s the masculine one and who’s the feminine one in a same sex relationship, they’ll start placing more energy towards what’s really important in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Just the other day, an adult gay male whom I know relatively well, started up a conversation with me about his dating woes. His main frustration stemmed from a first date experience he had with another man a few evenings prior. As he described that evening, I could tell his main angst was over the fact that he had engaged in sex at the end of that date and the other person hadn’t contacted him back since. Sadly, his story is not unlike so many others that happen in the gay community.

Too many gay men feel it’s important to explore the sexual realm with a potential suitor prior to really getting to know anything else about them. They repeat this behavior over and over again without ever finding any real deep connection with another male. I inquired on why the adult male I was talking with has the tendency to sleep so quickly with anyone he goes out on a date with and his answer only confirmed what I already knew. The sex, how good the other man is in bed, and their endowment were all at the top of his requirements list for a future partner. When I suggested that he might have better success in his quest to find a partner by going out with someone for a few months prior to ever engaging in sex, he scoffed at the idea. He responded to my suggestion by saying it wouldn’t be worth it if the day came to have sex with the person and they were terrible in bed or had a tiny apparatus.

It really is sad that this gay man, and so many others, feel this way. Most of them end up remaining single and go from one sexual experience to another never finding any real deep connection or love. What none of them realize is that true longevity in relationships comes from getting to know someone first and developing a friendship with them prior to entering that sexual realm. In regards to those people who insist on entering the sexual realm so quickly, most are only interested in the high that comes from the sex and usually aren’t looking to pursue a deep relationship. The people my casual gay friend is looking for who want to create a deep, long lasting relationship are most often the ones who abstain from sex in the early stages of dating. So in other words, my friend is only going to keep finding the same people much like himself who are out there going on a few dates with someone, having sex, and then quickly moving on to another.

Thankfully, none of that behavior was ever my style, but on the rare occasion I ever let it be, I always felt so dirty inside afterwards, so eventually I stopped doing that completely. God has helped me to see over the years that true love and happy relationships aren’t based around great sex. While sex of course is a wonderful way to express love in a deep connection, without the love it’s nothing but a friction based action between two people and a feeling of temporary pleasure.

My relationship with my partner today is not one based on sex. It didn’t begin based around sex and in fact, sex never even happened until over three months had passed with me getting to know him better. I feel sad for my casual friend who is so blind right now to seeing the cause of his dating woes is actually himself. If he could just change his priorities and start working on getting to know someone for awhile, he may find himself one day falling naturally in love just like I did with my partner. Until then, the tragic truth is that he will probably just keep going from one bad dating experience to another where the best thing that happens in any of them is a few moments of enjoying sexual lust.

I am grateful that God has shown me the best recipe for finding a successful relationship and it’s rather simple. If you meet someone you like, try dating them platonically for awhile. You may actually find out you really don’t like them before ever even engaging in sex with them. Or even better, you may find out as time passes, that the two of you are falling deeply in love. And if that starts to happen, the best part about it is that any sexual intimacy that occurs now is only going to bond your souls that much closer together. At least in that case, neither of you will be off and running anymore to another bad date with nothing to show for it but some potential good sex.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson