Category: Words To Live By

I’m sure just about everyone on this planet has had someone screaming or yelling at them at some point or another in their lifetime. So it’s really not a question of whether one has gone through this or not, it’s more of a question on how one handles it when it happens. In other words, how much self-restraint do you you have when someone is standing in front of you spitting fire your way?

Self-restraint is really all about self-control and discipline and it can be applied to just about anything in life including when someone is sending their anger your way. Over time, I have learned there are several different paths I can take when a situation like this happens. Through trial and error though, I leave seen only one of them is the best for practicing healthy self-restraint.

For much of my life, I had no self-restraint with anything, especially when someone was sending their anger my way. The path I took quite frequently when that happened was to send my own anger right back. So if someone was screaming at me, I’d scream back, but even louder. If they were yelling at me, I’d yell back all the more. And so on and so forth. But I learned this path never made me feel any better each time I took it. Instead, I felt a hangover from the anger and rage I spewed out and even worse, it led me to carrying a resentment inside towards the other person even long after my temper calmed down. I believe this path would be considered the extreme opposite of practicing self-restraint because none of that was demonstrated in my actions.

Another path I took almost as much of the time when someone was sending anger my way was to endure it completely, take ownership of its cause even if I wasn’t at fault, and silently scorn the other person and myself later for it. This path’s origin began with how I dealt with my mother’s anger towards me. Later it moved into how I handled so many of the people I chased after or was obsessed with in my life on a sexual level when they got angry at me. While this path does show some level of self-restraint, it still was not a healthy one to take. That’s only because of the fact I always took full ownership of someone else’s anger even when I played no part in causing it. And the fact that this path carried a resentment for me towards both the other person and myself shows it wasn’t one that demonstrated a healthy self-restraint either.

Less often taken in my life when someone was sending anger my way is the path where I would walk away and take a time out from it until the other person could calm down and speak in a lower decibel. Doing this is definitely practicing a healthier form of self-restraint but it’s extremely difficult to do because the ego often doesn’t like to do it. Instead, it tries to convince the brain how wrong the other person is while being yelled at. And then it has often led into taking one of the other paths where there was little to no self-restraint. Also what proved to be extremely difficult in taking this path was that the anger frequently returned as soon as I was back in the same room as the other person. So while this path may be one based on more self-restraint, it had it’s downfalls.

The path least taken in my life and the one I believe holds the most self-restraint is the one where I have been able to maintain total silence during the entire time someone is yelling at me. But what’s different in this path is how I handled it after they stopped yelling. That’s when I’ve spoken to them in a completely calm voice and looked for any part I may have played in the situation. Upon finding any part I may have played in it, I ask for their forgiveness. But if I still believed I had no part in it, I would acknowledge their anger first and then I would tell them I was willing to mutually work on growing a healthier relationship with them. In most cases when I’ve followed this path, both parties involved generally emerged feeling much better and more calm. That is why I know this path carries the healthiest form of self-restraint. The following is the best example I have in my life for when I’ve practiced a similar form of healthy self-restraint.

Many years ago I ruined a surprise birthday party for a friend by accident because I had forgotten it was a surprise. I had called this friend prior to the party asking the time and location where she indicated she had no idea there was even a party being held for her. When I showed up later at the party, I immediately went to her and asked for her forgiveness where she responded that she wasn’t mad and was just happy I was there. But upon walking outside, the woman who had organized the party approached me and gave me a serious verbal lashing. There she spend several minutes yelling at me by saying how I had some nerve showing up at the party after ruining the surprise. Many others were watching this event take place but when she was done screaming, I could tell they were all taken aback by how I handled it. I calmly responded to her that it was definitely a mistake on my part and that I was sorry for ruining the surprise part of it. I then told her that I had already received forgiveness from my friend celebrating her birthday and that I hoped she could forgive me as well. She huffed and puffed a few times, couldn’t get a single word out, and then walked away as she knew her anger at that point, was only her anger to work through.

Today I am trying to do this a lot more and don’t get me wrong, it’s tough. Sometimes I fall back into my old patterns, and other times I have almost matched how I handled myself in that example. Either way, I can see my self-restraint is growing the more work I put into my spirituality and my relationship to my Higher Power.

Dealing with someone else’s anger with healthy self-restraint is a very difficult thing to do but I know it can be done. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone is throwing anger your way, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to remain completely silent until they stop yelling. When they are done, look within and see if you can find any cause for it. If you do, seek forgiveness from them and don’t ask them for the same as that’s for them to figure out. And if you still feel you have no part in the anger’s cause, tell the person you love them and are willing to work on developing a healthier relationship with them. You will probably find yourself feeling so much better by doing all of this and I can definitely promise you one thing in doing so. It will feel a whole lot better than if you decide to just yell and scream your way through it, or carry silent scorn and resentments later.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’m beginning to wonder if patience and acceptance are the two most challenging lessons I have to learn in this lifetime. That’s only because it seems that just when I feel like I’m really stating to master either of them, something happens in my life to show me I still have a long way to go for both. And most recently, that became clear to me when I clashed with UPS.

Whether I‘m going to use UPS or FedEx is never something I find I have to ponder these days. Usually I’m just at the whim of whatever package carrier is being used by those I order from online. About a week ago though, UPS was the carrier being utilized for a new mattress I ordered from Overstock.com and was going to be delivered by them to my new residence in Ohio. Unfortunately the day they were going to be doing that was not one I was going to be around for. This prompted me to contact UPS and ask if they could put a note on the package to have it be delivered around the back of the house outside of plain view due to the sheer size of it. I never would have expected the result of that inquiry to be something that would pose such a challenge for my levels of patience and acceptance of things outside my control.

What I discovered over several phone calls was that approximately four weeks ago, UPS implemented a new system called MyChoice. They informed me that it, and not them, was the one now responsible to handle these type of tasks, including the one I was asking them to do. As I had them guide me through the steps online to sign up for this free system, I kept receiving error messages indicating it wasn’t able to verify me. Upon further inspection, the agent asked me if I was new at this residence and I promptly replied I was. When I was told that I’d have to wait for at least three to six months to be established at that residence before the system would be able to verify me, I asked if they had a workaround to handle my request. The long and short of it after talking to various agents, technical support staff, and a supervisor is that they didn’t. What’s even worse was my realization that the system verification could take even longer for me than that time frame, or maybe even never at all. That’s only because it’s my partner’s house and I don’t have any bills being established in my name there. As for everything else I receive these days from companies I deal with, all of that comes online. Needless to say, I lost my cool a few times over several of these conversations, especially when I was told the only solution was to leave a note on the door for this package and all future packages from them.

Whether you may be able to believe this or not, I’m actually grateful that all of this happened to me. It truly showed how I still have a lot more work to do in those areas of patience and acceptance of things outside my control. There are times my ego has tried to elevate my thinking lately into believing that I’m some type of spiritual guru when in fact, I’m not. This is one of those times that I really love remembering this saying I heard a long time ago in my Buddhism studies:

“Just when you really think you are starting to know everything, the reality is that you know nothing at all…”

I thank my Higher Power today for helping me to see the areas I still have room to grow in such as this. I think it’s important for me to have daily reminders like this because they all help me to keep growing closer to the Light.

While UPS does have a serious loophole in their system that needs to be addressed, the people I spoke with there were not the cause or source of my impatience and lack of acceptance. I was and I definitely have some more work to do in these areas. The good thing though is knowing what one of my teachers once told in that a true test of someone growing spiritually is being able to admit when they are wrong. I freely can admit that in this case and I send out my forgiveness to both UPS and myself for my actions. In the meantime, I also have come to the acceptance that a note on my door for the UPS driver will have to do for now…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

In most people’s minds here in the United States, today marks a day that represents the true beginning of the Christmas shopping season. It’s also a day that’s most known for where stores are packed beyond belief, where people get angry because of limited availability of merchandise, and where individuals spend incredible amounts of time and money trying to secure those best bargain based holiday gifts. And all of this has been nicknamed Black Friday, that in all honesty, doesn’t seem to be filled with much holiday cheer.

The origin of this day dates back to Philadelphia in the mid-1960s where it was referring to the Friday situated between two other big days for the city. The first was obviously Thanksgiving but the second, which occurred on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, was when the Army-Navy football game was held. Both generated a huge influx of people for the city which translated into massive traffic, gridlock and huge shopping crowds on the day before the game. Supposedly it was extremely frustrating for the city’s police officers, cab drivers, and anyone else who had to negotiate the city’s streets, so they started referring to this annual day of commercial bedlam as “Black Friday” to reflect how irritating it was. Apparently as the years went on though, retailers wanted the day to have a more positive spin to this nickname it had been given. So somewhere in the early 1980’s the idea of looking at the day from an accounting perspective began. This is where retailers who were in the “red” and operating at a loss would begin to turn a profit and operate in the black. Ironically, this is a myth in the commercial world though. That’s only because most major retailers are generally profitable, or at least striving for profitability, throughout the entire year. A company that turns losses for three quarters out of every fiscal year wouldn’t be a big hit with investors and probably wouldn’t make it in today’s economy.

While many believe that Black Friday represents the biggest shopping day of the year, it really isn’t. According to financial statistics, the days closest to Christmas generally are. What Black Friday does seem to represent though these days in most metropolitan areas is the busiest day for customer traffic in retail stores. I have traditionally avoided going out and doing any type of shopping on this day for this reason. Watching the news each year cover the events throughout the day always is enough to convince me that I made the best decision.

In recent years, I have seen how people have been trampled, beat up, and murdered all for the sake of getting some special deal. Stores such as Walmart will advertise they are giving away 48″ flat panel wide screen televisions for over half their cost and people will frantically try to secure one on Black Friday. Little do they know that the stores they are vying to get one at only have six of them set aside for that special deal. This usually translates into a steaming pile of anger and frustration when the customers find out, especially for those who waited in the cold and dark outside the store long before it opened. Then there’s those people who camp outside places such as Best Buy and take time off from their jobs just to be the first one to get those Black Friday deals. I read about one man who took several days without pay from his job just to do this. I find it strange that he’s still willing to do this even though he’s losing more money by not working than what he’ll be saving in his purchases on Black Friday. In fact, he’s not alone. Across the country there are many others who follow in his footsteps and camp outsider retailers for up to and sometimes even over a week, just for the sole reason of getting some great deal. Most of them will spend more time and money doing that, versus the savings they’ll end up receiving from any of their purchases on Black Friday.

Regardless of the reasons why anyone puts themselves through the highs and lows of Black Friday, I’m beginning to wonder if the driving force for each of them is ego. Isn’t the Christmas season meant to be about things such as sharing love, family, connection, and joy with each other? Unfortunately, the exact opposite seems to happen on Black Friday where people’s egos get the best of them. I’ve heard the stories from so many about the anger and rage, the rudeness, and the lack of respect that arises in people during this big shopping day. While the holiday season might involve getting gifts for loved ones, it shouldn’t be at the expense of others, but sadly, it often is on this day. Even worse, Black Friday has been slowly expanding into greater hours over the years with stores now beginning in on Thanksgiving. In my childhood, I can remember how nothing was opened on Thanksgiving except for maybe a few gas stations and a restaurant or two. That’s rapidly changing with the focus shifting away from being with family and loved ones and going towards consumer commercialism instead.

While I can’t speak for anyone else, I can for myself in saying that no gift is worth any of what Black Friday entails these days. I can’t see how pausing my life for hours, days, or weeks by waiting in lines outside stores is worth it. I can’t understand how hurting someone else on any level is worth procuring any item no matter what it is. And I definitely can’t advocate in my own life non spiritual behaviors such as pushing, shoving, yelling, screaming, or fighting for the sake of saving several hundred dollars for a gift that might not even be remembered a few years down the road.

For what began as a headache for the people in Philadelphia back in mid 1960s, Black Friday has sadly not changed much over the years, except now it’s become a headache for a lot of others throughout the entire country. So if you are going to one of those out shopping on this day, or any day for that matter this holiday season, take a moment, breathe, and pray to your Higher Power before venturing out. Don’t let your ego get the best of you and try to remember that the real meaning behind Christmas is not about securing some great deal at all costs, it’s about spreading love, hope, and joy with each other, and not anything else.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson