Category: Words To Live By

My first and last name initials are A.D. Many used to say that they stood for “Always Dramatic” because I made the biggest deal about everything that happened in my life. I’ve been working a lot to shed this former image over the last year of my recovery and just this past weekend, it was put to the test on my visit to Old Silver Beach in Falmouth, MA.

One of the coolest things that happens in the New England recovery community during the summer are when AA meetings are held on the beach as dusk begins to occur. Old Silver Beach is just one of those locations where these beach meetings happen and it’s held every Saturday night at 7pm usually between the months of June and September. While I had been in attendance in previous summers to a few of the meetings there, my friends who coordinate it gave me the opportunity this year to be the main speaker at this past Saturday night’s meeting.

Unfortunately, as soon as I left my house early Saturday afternoon to head down to the beach, I noticed the air pressure light was on in my car again having just been lit up over a week ago. A quick stop over to NTB showed I had a slow leak on one of my tires. After being told it would be a few hours to get it looked at and fixed, I just decided to have air placed back in it and promised myself a return visit there later in the week when it was less busy.

As I got on the highway from there to head South towards the beach, I immediately hit a wall of traffic. Oddly enough, I didn’t really care and just spent the extra time reciting mantras in the car that I’ve been doing lately to be a more positive and healthy based person. Further into my drive after the roads had opened up for awhile, I saw a sign that said there was a backup near the bridge I was coming up to. I quickly did a search on my GPS and saw a back road that I could take to bypass the congestion, which ended up being a nice detour along a very stunning lake.

By the time I arrived at the beach it was much past the original time I had intended on being there, as I had wanted to spend a good portion of the day just relaxing before the meeting. I discovered through a quick phone call to the friend who coordinated me speaking there that night, that most everyone had already left for the day and were returning that evening for the meeting. I was fine with that because I actually enjoy being alone at the beach as much as I do with other people. But upon arriving at the location I had been told I could park at for free, it was being guarded by security who said I couldn’t leave my car there. As I headed further down the road to where the main parking lots were for the beach, there was a backup of cars waiting to get a spot and a big sign that said the price was $20, which was all I head left in my wallet. I calmly called my friend again and asked her for alternatives and she coordinated to have me go back to this restaurant not too far away and leave my car. A short bit later, I and another few friends were picked up by her and we all headed back down to the beach where she was able to park for free with the beach sticker on her vehicle.

During the few hours that I got to enjoy my beach time, the canvas bag that my new chair was held in disappeared, the large umbrella I had gotten only last summer completely broke, and I discovered upon heading to go use the bathroom that it had been locked at 5pm for the rest of the night. Ironically, none of it phased me and I was able to let it all go.

The beach remained extremely crowded right up until the start time of the meeting, which was rather unusual for that time of the night there, so we migrated the meeting away from everyone and ended up starting it fifteen minutes late. What was great about that was that everyone who had come for the meeting but was running late, actually arrived on time. But even better, as the meeting came to a close, we all got to see the sun set on a completely clear horizon over the ocean.

After the meeting ended, a few of us went back to my friend’s house who did a small cookout and a fire in the backyard of her home. It was an amazing way to end the day and as I sat there and toasted some marshmallows, I felt grateful that none of what had transpired throughout the day had bothered me in the slightest bit. So not even a small air leak in a tire, heavy traffic, difficult parking situations, lost and broke items at the beach, or large numbers of people there, could derail the sense of peace I experienced throughout the day.  I attribute all of that to the work I’ve been doing to grow a deeper relationship with God in my recovery.

Looking back, I have a lot of gratitude for that day as not too long ago any of what happened to me along the way would have turned me into a complete dramatic mess. I’m thankful that in a nutshell, I finally had a day where I didn’t sweat any of the small stuff.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Ok, I admit it, I’m a neat freak. But sometimes that’s not always a good trait, especially when it comes to someone who is the exact opposite of that. I recently spent a few days away at a friend’s townhouse on Cape Cod where being neat ended up becoming a thorn in that friend’s side, but more on that in a moment.

I wasn’t always such a neat and organized person. As a kid it definitely wasn’t the case as my room was often messy in the home I grew up in. Throughout college, especially in my fraternity days, I also could have cared less about keeping things clean in the places I lived, mostly because I was more worried about getting drunk or high. Somewhere alone the lines though, I began to notice a sense of anxiety arise within me when piles and piles of stuff started to accumulate around me in the places I found myself living in.

I have often wondered if my being a neat freak may have started as a substitute addiction in itself when I first got sober. For the longest time since that day, I had no real relationship with God and avoided doing any real recovery work. Because of this, my life often got out of control and this may have been the main reason why I started keeping any of my dwellings so neat and organized solely for it being the only control I felt I had in life. Regardless, most would say that it is a good trait to have and I would probably tend to agree, except in those cases where it deals with someone who is the polar opposite. What I mean by that can simply be summarized by stating that where I get anxiety when things are cluttered, there are those too who get the same feeling but only when things are completely clean and in order around them. There is a television show that has become quite popular out there called Hoarders which has shed some light on people who are like this.

In a nutshell, hoarding is a condition where people have an extreme difficulty throwing things away and keeping their places spic and span. While Hoarders may demonstrate only the extreme cases of that condition, there are many more minor situations of it, such as with that friend I mentioned earlier. While I may not fully understand what causes people like them to hoard things, I have come to believe that it is as much of an addiction as alcohol, drugs, sex, and gambling were for me. In doing those addictions, I remained numb for many years from the mental and emotional baggages, traumas, and insecurities within me. It is my belief that this same principle holds true with hoarders. Keeping things in a disorganized state can help a person focus on all the messes around them instead of looking within at their “inner clutter”.

In my journey to get rid of all my inner state of turmoil, I have found the only answer is to turn over my ENTIRE will to the care of God each and every day. This solution truly has helped me to move away from all of my addiction seeking behaviors. The more uncluttered my life has become inside, the more it has become the same outside as well. So while being such a neat freak may have started out early on as an addiction, lately it has become more of just a way of being although I still am uncomfortable when things get cluttered around me. Unfortunately, that way of being can sometimes still cause problems such as it did on that recent trip to a friend’s place on Cape Cod.

When I arrived there, things were unlike how they were the last time I had visited when it was mostly spotless and uncluttered. Immediately I felt uncomfortable upon walking in and my first reaction was that I needed to clean. When I offered my services to do that, I was promptly turned down. Upon going upstairs to the room I was staying in, I noticed there was disorganization in it as well. Without thinking, I cleaned the room up and put things away in the closet so that at least the room I would be sleeping in had some order. What I didn’t realize with that action nor with a few of the others that I did around the house, that my friend was getting more and more uncomfortable. So while I tried to get my world more in control and less anxious, my friend’s world got less in control and more anxious. The end result was my friend asking me to head home early as they weren’t feeling very relaxed on their vacation with me around. At first I was taken aback by this request, but I realized that the two of us were operating on different poles and it would most likely be healthier if I left, so I did.

I know there’s more work for me to do surrounding this as I should be able to co-exist temporarily in someone else’s space that might be slightly disorganized and clutter filled. Thankfully through my prayers and meditations with God, I can see more growth for me to pursue and at least now I have a better understanding of my friend’s condition and how my actions affected them. I think until I can work through more of this, my best course of action may be to stay at a motel instead next time!

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

A few nights ago I went out to dinner after an AA meeting with a couple of friends. Another person from that meeting also joined us and ended up sitting next to me. I listened intently to him throughout the evening as he spoke of a lonely life he was living every day, which was greatly reminiscent of how I once felt.

He talked of how he’s spent the past six years being single during which he resorted to occasional quick hook ups and watching pornographic material on the Internet to deal with his loneliness. Upon hearing this, I shared with him about all the same unhealthy things I did to keep myself from feeling those very same emotions and how it destroyed my mind, body, and soul in doing so. I mentioned specifically about my affairs with married and partnered men, and the damage those relationships did to me, and all he could say was that he wished he could have those same experiences because something was better than nothing.

When I asked if he’d be willing to go through a period of sexual refrain so that he could work on loving, healing, and embracing himself a little more, he indicated he felt he had done enough through his state of being single for so many years. What’s ironic about that statement is that it’s one I used to say quite often to myself. For many years, I too was single and felt that being in that state was enough for me to learn to love myself. But during that time, I never totally faced being fully alone and instead occupied most of it with watching porn, chasing after unavailable and unhealthy people, and living in other addiction based behaviors.

I’m firmly convinced today that it is inherent to have a good capacity of love for oneself before any successful long-term intimate relationship can ever develop. To put it in another way, how could I ever have loved anyone else unconditionally, if I couldn’t look in the mirror on any given day and say I truly loved myself?

During all those years where I refused to work on finding that love for myself, I brought all sorts of people into my life that were just like me who didn’t love themselves either. Each and every one of those relationships was a just a mirror for myself to see more clearly who I really was inside. So when I was with dominant, controlling, and abusive men, it’s because I was also the same. And when I was with mentally and emotionally imbalanced as well as codependent men, it’s because that was I as well. Until I began spending that quality time with me and only me, I continued to find other broken men who forced me to see those areas of my life that needed to be healed the most, or I kept myself numb with various addictions such as watching porn.

After a period of celibacy and spending a lot of time alone to get to know myself much better, the healing of those broken parts within me began occurring and my love for myself started growing much greater. It was then that God saw fit to bring into my life a partner who was much healthier than just about everyone else I’ve ever been in a relationship with. While my partner does still mirror parts of me that I need to continue to work on, our relationship is not toxic like all my previous ones were. And I think it’s important to note that those previous ones were only toxic because I was, but without consciously knowing that, I sought others that were just like me to teach me that lesson.

It’s my hope and prayer that the man I had dinner with the other night, who could have been a snapshot of me several years ago, will take the time to work on loving himself a little more than he currently does. Until then, sadly, he’ll most likely stay in those same toxic patterns where his loneliness will continue to persist.

While I do still deal with loneliness, it’s not because of how I’m living my life anymore. It’s not because I don’t love myself enough. And it’s not because I’ve surrounded myself with toxic relationships and addictions. It’s only because I long for a closer relationship with God and it’s my daily prayer that it develops more and more as I continue to work on loving and healing myself daily.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson