Category: Words To Live By

I had an interesting day today in that things I planned on doing came out differently than how I had originally intended for it to go. Sometimes that’s a good thing though…

When I headed out in my car today, my original intention was to take my old suitcase to a place in downtown Boston named The Zipper Hospital. After many years of beatings, my suitcase was in need of an overhaul and this place seemed like it could do the job. When my morning prayer and meditation routine was done, I phoned them and asked where they were located. After finding out that parking was not free and that they weren’t even sure they would be able to help me with it, I did a quick Google search for an alternative and found one in Sudbury about 30 miles away. I was up for the drive as it was sunny outside for once here and parking was free there. (For anyone that knows Boston, where the original store was, to park simply an hour or more, can cost anywhere from $15 to $30 on up.) As I headed out the door, I decided to take an old backpack with me that needed a new zipper to see if the store could fix that as well.

About 40 minutes later, I was happy to know they could fix both and that I could pick them up in a few days. While I had been waiting for the repairperson to look over my items,  I came across a new backpack that was on sale there. They had already informed me that the one I had was going to cost $20 to repair, so after about 15 minutes, I made the decision to take it back and buy the new one for about $20 more. In all honesty, I was glad to move on to a new one as the one I had been using was from an old friendship that had a lot of bad memories. When the woman brought my backpack out from the repair shop, I was shocked to find out it had already been fixed and told I could keep it with no charge.

I believe it’s a human trait to always want to get something for nothing, but I’ve learned over time that sometimes it’s better to pay it forward. After paying for my new backpack, I got in my car and decided to donate the newly repaired one that had nothing wrong with it now. The old me would have held onto it, thrown it in a closet and probably never used it again, and gotten some sort of selfish satisfaction that it was fixed for nothing. Thankfully, that’s not me anymore. I quickly looked on my phone’s internet and found a place not more than 10 minutes away called Global Thrift and decided I would make a quick stop there to drop it off. When I reached the store and went to the back where the donation area was, a guy smiled from ear to ear at me and thanked me profusely saying that my backpack probably would be out the door by the end of the day with some lucky kid as they were always in demand. I left the store with a smile on my heart and a kick in my step and felt a lot better that I had done that instead of what I probably would have done with it a few years ago.

I have a lot more things I want to donate in the near future and I’m looking forward to doing that. It’s amazing how a human being will hold onto something that is never used for years and years when someone out there could enjoy using it right here and now. Why does anyone hoard anything? I can only speak for me, and I know that it really is about my own selfishness and self-centeredness that generally is saying “well, geez, you might need this someday…” My rule of thumb today is that if I haven’t used it in over a year, it’s most likely I’ll never use it again, so donate it or get rid of it.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Earlier this evening, I had a difficult conversation with my partner on Skype. I was trying to set up a future flight in late April to come see him and it raised major concerns within him about finances and budgeting. We have an agreement that whether I drive or fly to see him, that we share the cost by each paying half. When I expressed to him how much the flight cost was, his voice tone and demeanor went from pleasurable to stern. Over the next few hours we spent time working through some uncomfortable moments that dealt with finances. We went over his budget, and saw what amount of money was truly available to him after all his monthly bills were paid. In the end, there was a small amount available that could cover his portion of the flight so long as he was able to maintain his current work schedule and budget.

I spent some time meditating after the conversation as I had gotten angry during much of the conversation and was trying to figure out exactly why. At first I looked at all the people I’ve dated where things like this came up and realized that more than not, most of my former partners had done the same thing as what happened tonight. But I realized that there was something more in this, and it was about me. I’ve talked a lot in many of my postings about how things outside of myself that irritate me are simply mirrors for myself. In this case, another one appeared.

There have been many times in my life that people have asked me to do something that would entail me spending money. Whether it was gifts for family members such as my nephews, trips away with friends, retreats, classes, or a holistic practitioner to see, I’ve made excuses how I couldn’t afford to do any of them. There were times in friendships where I said I couldn’t afford something such as going out to dinner with them, and then I went ahead and went out to dinner with someone else that I liked better. Or maybe a friend gave me a gift for a special holiday and I would say I couldn’t afford a return gift and yet I would give another friend a gift that I felt closer to. There were times as well where I might be asked to do something and I would express my concern about not having enough money and then I was out buying myself new clothes that I didn’t need, new DVDs that I’ve already seen in the theater, or taking myself on a trip somewhere to pamper myself.

I know many people probably do this. All of us set priorities in our minds on what’s important to spend the money on that we earn. But sometimes, priorities get mixed up on what truly is the most important.

In my life now, the number one priority is serving God’s will. After that it’s taking care of my health and healing including staying clean from all addictions. And in doing both those, my partner is the most important thing outside of that. Since meeting him I’ve made a lot of changes to how I’ve lived day to day. I buy a lot less things that I don’t need in my life. I don’t go on trips anymore unless they are to see him or are with him. I don’t go out to dinner every night of the week. And I look for other corners I can cut in my life to save money so that I can spend it with my partner.

It never was like that before. I was selfish and my money was allocated as I saw fit. If I wanted something, I got it and everyone else was secondary to it. I believe that’s why I got so angry tonight because I projected my former financial selfishness, onto my partner. Thankfully, I’m not that way anymore. It is important to set priorities on finances and how money is spent. But I also know it’s not healthy or spiritual to tell someone I can’t afford to do something when I’m doing it with someone else. To combat that, I have become more open and honest with my priorities to those in my life. And I have learned as well that beyond my family and my relationship, I need to treat everyone equally on what I can or can’t do. If I’m setting priorities in my life with different friends, then maybe I’m not really wanting to be around some of those people in the first place.

I know my partner cares about me. And I know he wants me to come see him. I realized after meditation that he wasn’t doing to me what so many others including myself have done. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the mirror when I’m in the midst of any argument. But I know through meditation and prayer, I generally see that it always leads back to me and my own behaviors.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I face a difficult challenge today. I’m going to be seeing my sister for the final time today until I’m not sure when, as she is moving to the Nashville, TN area in the next few days. Moving is not something unfamiliar to her. Since 2000 when she married her current husband, I have seen them move 6 times. Each was in a different town or different area or even a different state. And with each move, came a renewed emotion and comment from her family that the new home was exactly where they are meant to be and that they aren’t going to move again.

The last big move came when my sister left for Virginia and was convinced her new life was going to be spent there. Like the move to the Nashville vicinity, the reason was a job promotion for her husband. I was devastated as where they were moving to was the area that I had moved from to be closer to them in Massachusetts. After just under a year, they were back in Massachusetts in new jobs and saying to family and friends that they were here to stay for good.

And I believed it too. I’m sure all those that they told did as well. And then the bombshell dropped a few months ago, just around the holidays, I was told her husband got an amazing job near Nashville and they would be moving away in mid-February. Sadly, much arguing ensued after, mainly with me steaming at the ears. It took some time for me to calm down and process through it. My Shaman informed me that it probably is in my greatest highest good and that I should be still with it and reflect on the good that may come out of it. For weeks, I did, I meditated and I prayed for God’s will to be done and for me to not be angry and resentful about the move. I prayed too for my sister and her family’s happiness. Somewhere along the lines, I began to shift my perspective…onto me…and how I’ve done the same thing as she is about to do yet again. Through much of my writing in these blog entries, I’m beginning to realize that every time I get angry and resentful, it’s generally because I’m seeing a mirror for myself on something I’ve done in my life. And with this move from place to place, well, yes, I’ve done that too. Many times.

When I graduated from college in Rochester, NY, I had job opportunities to stay in that vicinity. I also had friends there too. And I had people around me there as well that I didn’t particularly like. I also was tired of the North and of being in a college town and made comments about how there was nothing to do in the area. So I took a job as far away as I could get, which came in Northern Virginia. Just under two years living there, I had changed from that job to another, and was in a relationship that was falling apart. I was lusting after people around me that I called friends and finding fault with my boss and my fellow employees, as well as my duties at my place of employment. So I sought refuge in yet another move and I went up north to Massachusetts within an hour of where my sister was living at the time. That lasted 8 months. In those 8 months, I worked two jobs, ended that 2 year relationship, bought two cars, made and ended several new friendships, broke some hearts, and purposely tried to break up a relationship of another couple. Then I left blaming all those things that were going wrong and stated I couldn’t stand Massachusetts to everyone I knew living there, and I moved back to Northern Virginia. I told myself that I never should have left in the first place and that this time would be better and different. I bought a house, settled down, but kept changing jobs and finding dissatisfaction in my life in just about every area. I went through several short term relationships and then met a person who became my partner and after a few years in that relationship, I convinced myself that my misery was once again Northern Virginia and the corporate world I was living in. So I sold everything and moved out to a small island near the ocean that was named Chincoteague. In the middle of nowhere, I tried unsuccessfully to live out my partner’s dream of owning and running a bed and breakfast. For me it lasted four years. During those four years, I ended the relationship once, travelled around the United States several times, and went on silent retreats trying to find myself. By May of 2007 I decided that the cozy island with it’s tranquility and solitude was the problem. I decided that the seven year relationship was the problem. I decided that the bed and breakfast was the problem. And I moved…AGAIN. And guess where I moved to. Massachusetts. And since September of 2007, that is where I’ve been. And in just a short period of time, about a few months, I was unsatisfied once again in my life. I could only think about how the world was wronging me in every situation I found anger or irritation in. I never realized the problems were not any of those things that I was finding fault in. It was never the areas, the houses, the jobs, the friends, the relationships, the weather, or anything else in the cities or towns I called my home. It was always the man in the mirror. It was always me.

Though much therapy, writing, healing, meditation, prayer and more, I have gone within myself to figure out that there was a lot of muck that had built up inside. The process of removal has been challenging but rewarding at times. The rewards have been “a-ha’s” that have shown the lightbulb above me turn on at times. Things that I never understood why they ticked me off in the past from ex partners to ex jobs to ex bosses to anything ex. Each of the resentments I had towards any of it, were just areas of my life that I wasn’t wanting to face and work through.

And now I’m watching my sister do the same thing that I’ve done so many times before. And I’m powerless to do anything about it other than pray. When I have gotten into one of my geographical cure phases, there is nothing anyone can tell me and nothing that can change my mind. I did exactly what it was my brain told me was going to make my life better. With each new move came new friends, a new life, a new start, a breath of fresh air, a new career, a new church, new restaurants and new malls and new places to explore. But it also brought me one thing that wasn’t changing…me. I brought the same attitude. I brought the same dissatisfaction in life. I brought all of that muck. It may have been a few weeks, a few months, or maybe even a few years that it resurfaced. But it always did. And I finally lassoed myself down to stay here and face those parts of me.

My sister and her family haven’t figured that out yet. I’m sure they will eventually find these same answers. That the grass may be greener when they arrive. But at some point, no matter how many chemicals they place on it, no matter how much they water it, unless they fertilize the soil with richness, it’s eventually going to die there too. Mine did. In each and every place I brought myself.

While my life has never felt that it was meant to be in Massachusetts long-term, and while my partner doesn’t live here, I’m staying put for now. I believe that there are some places within me to still work through. When it’s time to move, it will come naturally, and not out of an act of believing life will be better somewhere else. Life can be better right here, right now, wherever I am. I just have to do the work and clean out the cobwebs in my attic that keep me living in that fog and illusion and tell me a move will make things better. My sister will learn this lesson one day. But it has to come in her time, as God sees fit, and not in my time. But I’m grateful she has taught me a valuable lesson about myself just by doing what she’s doing.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson