The Twelfth Step

Sometimes I find it very hard to want to keep going. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my physical pain levels that I’m still waiting on my Higher Power to heal. But I also believe that feeling is closely connected to the both of my parents, as their lives got cut short due to their own actions. Having endured my father’s suicide and my mother’s drunken and deadly fall down the stairs, there are times when I think it would be easier to check out early just like they did. Thankfully though, my Higher Power continues to put people in my life who give me enough inspiration that helps me to keep going, even when I want to cash in all of my chips.

The first of those inspirations is actually my sister, as she too went through the very same experiences I did in our dysfunctional family. Over the years, I’ve watched her grow through so many trials and tribulations. Today she has three wonderful children, and I see the unconditional love she offers them. Even when her difficult days closely mirror some of my own, her only thought is to keep going because of them and that alone is what helps me to keep going when I don’t think I can anymore.

My spiritual teacher Manin is the second of those inspirations. I often like to think of her as my surrogate mother, as she cares for me just like a loving mother might. For many years now, she’s guided me through quite a number of my own trials and tribulations, never once giving up on me. No matter how much I’ve ever talked her ear off about wanting to give up and sounding like a broken record, she always found a way to get through to me and convince me to keep going.

A third inspiration comes from a close friend of mine whom I once dated. Not too long ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s after just completing a long journey of losing an incredible amount of weight. Instead of letting his diagnosis shut him down, he has continued to be just as active as ever, running marathons, helping others, and even directing theater. Even better, on days when I really have needed a lift, somehow I always seem to receive some encouraging words from him through e-mails or comments on my blog. Each of these things are also part of what helps me to keep going on the days I think about giving up.

My partner is one more person I’d like to mention whom I also find inspiration in. Somehow he always musters enough stamina in life to bite through any of his own pains and still perform his daily obligations with work and at home. I admire that courage and strength he demonstrates regularly and it’s that too, which helps me keep going on days when I think about checking out.

There are so many others who also inspire me enough in life to help me keep going. From the sponsees I work with, to those I meet in recovery meetings, to the disabled people I see everyday who are smiling and happy, to all the people of this world who are trying just like me to be a much better person and live more closely to their Higher Power, I am inspired on a daily basis by so many who help me to keep on trudging forward when I start thinking I can’t anymore.

So I want to thank all of you for helping to inspire me, especially on days like the past few. Whether you know it or not, each of you has helped me to keep going and been a wonderful blessing from my Higher Power. I truly don’t want to give up and check out of life like my parent’s did and it’s because of people like you that I’m still here. Thank you for that from the bottom of my heart and God bless.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Each time we talk, my spiritual teacher reminds me to have patience with my health and healing processes and to continue to maintain what I’ve been doing daily to support them. Having high levels of physical pain though, day in and day out with little to no relief, truly has challenged my ability to do that. While I continue to do my best to follow her guidance, the hardest battle I’m facing, as of late, is actually not this. It’s my fear that I’m slowly losing my faith in God.

Four years ago, I began pledging my entire will and life over to the care of God when my life had gotten completely out of control. Since then, I’ve made an incredible leap forward from where I once used to be. The addictive-based life I once lived regularly is no longer and I feel so much better on a spiritual, mental, and emotional basis these days. While all of that reflects the positive work that God has been doing to transform me, I truly am struggling lately to understand why these physical pains haven’t left me yet.

The fact is having physical pain wears a person down the more it stays present. It affects a person’s thinking, reasoning, rationalizing, and ability to live life to its fullest. In my case, it’s done all of the above and it’s also eliminated my capacity to do most of the things I once enjoyed in life. For the past 48 months, I’ve tried my absolute best to maintain a belief that all of this pain is temporary and that God will deliver me out of it.

During that time, there was a 12-month period where I lost that belief and instead sought out doctors, science, and medicine to fix me. The only thing that path ended up doing for me was cause higher levels of physical pain and a trip to the mental institution for a few days. When all of that occurred, I took it as a sign that I was meant to endure this suffering for whatever the reason. Since then, I’ve done just that and have gotten through all of those difficult days by keeping my faith alive that God would end my physical pains soon.

Over the past five months or so, I have had little to no physical relief and on some days I question my sanity. Sometimes I even think of my mother and father and how they ended their life tragically because they couldn’t handle their own pain. I know that’s not what I want, but my ego plagues me to do something because of this pain. The difficulty is that I have exhausted every avenue to end this pain and my spiritual teacher says that all I can do is have patience and maintain.

I wish I could say her words were reassuring and comforting, but in a body that hurts so bad on most days, it’s often not. The only thing that truly keeps me going is the faith I have in God that I won’t be left in this physical state of being for the rest of my life. But the more this physical pain persists day in and day out, the more I question my faith.

They say that all people experience a time on their spiritual journey that is meant to test the endurance of their faith. If that’s the case, I often wonder if my parents didn’t pass that test. Regardless, I still want to, just as much as I want to maintain my faith in God that my physical pain will end soon. But I know the more they remain, the harder it’s becoming to believe this.

So the only thing I know to do whenever I feel like this is to pray…

I pray to You God that You still have a beautiful plan for me. I pray that plan still involves a life for me here on Earth that’s free of these physical pains. I pray You strengthen me enough so that I don’t lose my faith in You like my parents did. Please know that I love You God and all I truly want is to live my life to the fullest where I can dedicate even more of it to You. May Thy Will, Not Mine Be Done…. Amen.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson