The Twelfth Step

What is a friend really?

I’m sure each and every person has their own definition of what a friend is. It’s probably easier for most to say what a friend isn’t though. With the overhauling being done in my life on every level including the friendships department, I’ve come to experience many of those.

As a child, I found friendships hard to come by. Being labeled a nerd back then and spending most of my time alone, my best friends were books, my Atari, and the water in a pool where I swam daily. After going through an outside transformation of my personal appearance and behaviors at the age of 17, that all changed. I was suddenly thrusted into the “in-crowd” and for the next 22 years, I treated every friend like they were a commodity. They were something that if I needed it, I would do what I had to acquire it. They also were something I could put aside if I didn’t feel like dealing with it. And even worse, they were prioritized and shuffled around on scales of what benefit I could get out of each of them.

Making plans with some of these friends didn’t mean that they were definite either. If something came along that was a better offer, I’d cancel on them. If any of those friends started to get on my nerves regardless if it was something that was my fault, I’d distance myself from them and blame them. It seemed as if I always had a new best friend too. I’d cherish each of them like they were the most precious thing in the world. But at some point, every one of them always fell apart.

Why?

The truth was simple. I was always looking at what I could get out of any of them and not what I could put into it. In other words, I was completely selfish and because of that I became a fair-weathered friend to everyone.

Ask yourself the following questions and see if they ring any truth to you?

1. Have you ever sat home on a weekend night waiting for that phone call from a friend you so desperately wanted to spend time with and it never came?

2. Have you ever had plans with a friend you were looking forward to all week and then just as the hour was about to arrive to meet up for those plans, you get a phone call and are told “something came up”?

3. Have you ever tried calling a friend you really needed to just have an ear to listen to and you find yourself repeatedly getting their voicemail and rarely if ever getting a return phone call?

4. Have you ever called a friend just wanting to hear their voice and when they return your call, it’s through a text message saying a short and sweet hello and that they hope you’re well and will catch up with you soon?

5. Have you ever gone out with a friend where they are always looking at the time, spending much of it on their phone with someone else, or even texting again and again while you try to carry on a conversation?

6. Have you ever gone out with a friend who never seems to have enough money to pay, expects you to pay, or if they do pay, they spend time making you feel guilty for it?

7. Have you ever had a party where a friend says they are going to show up and don’t or where they do show up and stay for a very short time and say they have another engagement or that they don’t feel well?

8. Have you ever heard about a party or get-together that a friend of yours had and somehow they forgot to tell you about it?

I could go on and on with these questions…This is what a fair-weathered friend does.

Why is this so easier for me to think of them? Bottom line, I was guilty of all of them. That is what I did to others. And now I am experiencing what it is like on the reverse.

To put in bluntly, “karma’s a bitch”. What I have given out in this lifetime that brought pain to others is now coming back to me so that I may experience the lessons on the receiving end. It’s not much fun but I’m grateful for the lessons nonetheless. I’ve realized now that I was a fair-weathered friend to everyone, even my own family. I was once on the other side of those questions doing all those behaviors and actions that made someone ask them in the first place.

I know today that if I need to ask any of those questions about someone in my life that I think is a friend, they probably aren’t a friend at all. I’ve learned that a true friend is someone that is there through thick and thin. One that can be called upon if help is needed. One that keeps plans and promises. One that looks forward to time spent together.

While I only have a couple of true friends today that may have survived this shift I’m going through, I am grateful for each of them. I ask God today to be at the center of each of them and I do my best to be selfless in them and not selfish like I once was.

It’s not a great feeling to be on the receiving end of fair-weathered friends, but I can assure you that if you are dealing with this, you might have been one of them yourself to someone at some point in your life like I was. If there are people in my life I don’t particularly like or want to be around, I don’t string them along anymore. I don’t lead them on to believe a friendship is growing between them and me. I don’t make plans just to cancel them or to check a box and satisfy some requirement that I have to go see them. And most importantly, I am there for them as best as I can be as sometimes just having a shoulder to lean on is all that a friend wants in the first place.

Look within. If you are being treated poorly by a friend, maybe you have treated them or someone else the same way.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Every time I catch up on the news each day whether it’s watching it on television or reading it on the internet, there seems to be a new report on gun violence erupting somewhere. In the past year I’ve lost track of the number of deaths from each of these incidents. The worst of which was just a few months ago in Newton, CT.

When that happened, the United States seemed to join together in unity for a moment with mutual pain and suffering. There were many acts of charitable kindness and love that came out of this awful tragedy. It appeared as if everyone was finally on the same page that something needed to be done. And then the cries of outrage began and a division occurred between citizens of this country on how gun violence should be handled. Gun control, gun elimination, new and stricter laws on gun purchases and other political measures were sprung. This is where sadly I feel this country is off the path of how to heal and handle something like this.

Why is it that when horrible things happen that all of a sudden every person seems to say that some new policy needs to be enacted to prevent this from happening again? The responsibility for healing and growing from these terrible things is on each and every one of us, not on the government to make it go away.

Children are growing up with guns and violence today. I was appalled recently when I saw my nephews and my partner’s nephew as well playing a game titled Call of Duty. It started out with extreme vulgarity and then expanded into a first person shoot-em-up game with extremely graphic gun-induced bloodshed.

I know that “scientists” haven’t proven any correlation yet to these video games and the gun incidents that have happened, but does it really matter? Why do we want children to grow up with images of guns and bloodshed? It’s not even just in video games that this is happening. More and more movies are showcasing guns and bloodshed and kids are scrambling to get to the theater to watch them. The death counts in movies are rising up higher and higher.

It’s a known fact that repetitive behaviors change the thinking state of the mind. So isn’t it a no-brainer that if a child is watching gun violence everyday through movies or video games, that their brain may become accustomed to glorifying it and finding it a normal part of everyday living?

There was a time when I loved it myself. I played the violent games, and I saw every single movie filled with blood splatter patterns from the shooting of some type of gun. And I thought it was cool. Along the way, I changed. Being centered with God and wanting to be filled with a greater place of peace from within, I realized that what I was watching or taking part in was affecting this from happening. I don’t play those type of games anymore. And I have been going to those types of movies less and less and finding myself being drawn more to the lighter fare.

I believe that all great change on this planet begins with ourselves. If one is horrified by the gun violence in this country, then they must realize they can do their part by not exposing themselves or their family to it. There are plenty of other video games and movies to watch that aren’t filled with guns.

I truly wish people would begin to realize that it’s our “Call of Duty” to try to make a difference and help prevent these horrible tragedies like in Newton, CT or in Aurora, CO. It begins in our own homes, in our own actions, and in our own behaviors. I pray people begin to see that great change happens from within ourselves and not because a new law is enacted.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson