Daily Reflection

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.” (Matthew 17:20)

A close friend of mine asked me recently “Has your suffering been eliminated by your faith?” While I couldn’t give him an emphatic “Yes!”, like I really wanted to because I know it wouldn’t be true, I was grateful I could honestly respond by saying at least some of it actually has been.

You see, without faith, which is pretty much where I was at in 2011, I was living in a constant whirlwind of a sex and love addiction that eventually led me to attempt suicide. That was definitely the worst feeling I’ve ever had in life and the most intense suffering I’ve ever felt as well. Life without faith ultimately led me to believe that there was no other solution than to either continue living in the sick addiction I was or to kill myself and I opted for the latter. Thankfully, I didn’t succeed and have lived to write about it many times over in this blog ever since.

Look, I may not regularly be experiencing the happy, joyous, and free feelings yet that recovery and a life of faith are said to bring, mostly because my physical pain seems to block me from feeling much of that. But I do have at least enough faith, a mustard seed sometimes at best, to keep going, to not take my life, and to continue remaining sober from not just an addiction that almost took my life, but also all the other addictions I once fell prey to. And that alone has moved an incredibly tall mountain out of my life that I never thought could be moved.

It’s also the suffering I’m speaking of, that my faith has eliminated thus far. And without it, I know my suffering would be so much worse. So, in light of that, I’d rather take my life of faith any day, then a life without, because a life without would be sure death for me. And at least with that mustard seed of faith I still have living within me, one very large mountain hasn’t returned and I know the others will eventually be moved away as well.

I pray I may always hold onto at least a mustard seed of faith God, to help me to keep going, to keep believing, and to keep trusting in You, as I know the suffering that comes from without it leads to nowhere but a very dark place, and that’s something I never wish to experience again.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Daily Reflection

“You can’t save a relationship unless both people are equally invested. It takes a joint effort to make it work. One person trying will never be enough.” (Tony Gaskins)

A close friend of mine has been going through a rough time lately in his relationship ever since he went on a spiritual retreat and became part of a men’s organization to begin healing from his many past wounds. Instead of his partner supporting his new efforts to spiritually grow or making any attempts to work on themselves, they’ve resorted to using guilt, shame, manipulation, and self-pity.

What’s interesting is that I can totally relate to their current dynamics, as I’ve stood in both of their shoes many times throughout my life. Watching someone I’m close to rapidly start to change in front of my eyes because of the healing work they’re doing can feel so very threatening, especially when I’m not working on myself. This is mainly because it creates the feeling that the other person is growing apart from me and in all reality, they actually are. But alas, resorting to guilt, shame, manipulation, or self-pity, instead of looking at myself and doing my own work to heal, has only ever pushed my relationships in the very direction I didn’t want them to go, that being apart.

As for the other side of the coin, seeing someone I care about deeply, avoiding looking at themselves and their own inner wounds, causes a problem for me any time I try to make repeated attempts to get them to do their own healing work. Doing so tends to create resentment in them and a further resistance to change. And ultimately, it’s fear that’s consistently been the element present whenever I’ve stood in either of these shoes. But unfortunately, choosing to live in that fear, rather than focusing on changing myself has only ever caused the demise of those relationships.

You see it’s like two plants sitting next to each other, where one gets watered, while the other does not. The one that does, flourishes, while the other that doesn’t, withers away and dies. This is precisely what happens when one person in any kind of relationship chooses not to water themselves and face their fears, while the other one does.

Thankfully I learned this lesson over time and find myself in a lot healthier connections now because of it, ones where we both are working on healing and growing in our own unique ways, yet united together on a spiritual journey with God more at the helm, than ourselves.

I pray I may always place the focus on healing myself in each my relationships in life and let God be the one to guide those I’m in those relationships with to do their own work, as that truly is the only way I know those relationships can be successful.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson