The Twelfth Step

Giving a lead in a 12-Step recovery meeting is daunting enough, especially early on in one’s sobriety, but doing so when going through those incredible storm-filled times in life is something much harder. I should know, as I was asked by someone to do a lead recently and it happened to fall on a particular day when my pain and anguish from the health issues I’ve been enduring was through the roof.

I can honestly say when that day came upon me to do that lead, I really wanted to call and cancel. I very much wanted to ask my friend to find someone else to speak. I thought to myself, what good am I going to offer anyone in the state I’m in? Yet then I heard that small voice deep down inside me, which I choose to believe was the Holy Spirit, that part of God that lives within me. It reminded me first of what my original sponsor in recovery once told me and that was we do our work in recovery when we want to and even when we don’t. And I definitely didn’t feel like doing my recovery work in this case. But then that small voice said something that I knew I absolutely needed to listen to.

Call upon Me and ask for help and I will guide you through it…

So I did just that. I prayed that morning, afternoon, and just before I did my lead, asking for help and the strength to get me through the next 45 minutes I was to stand at that podium. And something happened that evening I felt was beyond amazing while I stood there in front of close to 60 people. I was able to remain in my heart, have tears well up in my eyes, and feel more passionate about the God of my understanding, my recovery program, and where I’m at in my life, more so than any other lead I’ve done in recent times.

Shedding tears in front of a bunch of strangers is something I’ve never really allowed myself to do. But in this case, I felt safe and more in touch with not only my heart, but also all the hearts of those in the room before me. And when I was finally done speaking, I not only felt a great sense of relief, I also felt a true sense of peace. Peace that I knew somehow that God had done for me what I couldn’t have done for myself that evening.

I’m so grateful to my Higher Power for helping me find my heart during this lead and for giving me the strength to do something I know I wouldn’t have done if I had left it up to my ego and my pain-filled thinking. So thank you God for opening my heart at a time I most needed it to become open…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Each of us move along our spiritual journey at our own pace. Unfortunately, when codependency or some other type of addiction gets involved, we sometimes end up making decisions to do things sooner than our spirit is actually ready for them. In my case, I did this very thing many years ago when I allowed someone I was lusting after to convince me to go on something called The Cursillo Retreat.

Cursillo is an apostolic movement of the Roman Catholic Church and is a three-day retreat where the major emphasis is on developing a relationship with Christ. Overall the weekend involves spiritual talks, group discussion, food, and fun, but mainly it really just works to blossom one’s spiritual growth in life. And it’s not necessarily geared for Catholics only either, as plenty of people from other religions and spiritualties have experienced the retreat and gained a wonderful sense of peace because of it. But sadly, this didn’t happen for me, but that was only because I went on the weekend due to behaviors stemming from my own codependency and sex and love addiction.

During the actual time period when I first became aware of Cursillo, I was actively sleeping with a married individual and pursuing the same with someone else already in a relationship as well. When the latter informed me of how much they felt it would change my life and even draw the two of us closer, I wasn’t thinking about going on it for my spiritual growth. Instead, I was thinking more about my disease and what it might get me with this person if I actually went on the retreat.

And so I did. I went on the retreat and even at some point during it, broke down and confessed much of my transgressions that I was still actively engaging in, both to others on the retreat, and even privately with a priest. Yet, as soon as I left that retreat, I immediately went back to sleeping with that married individual and pursuing even harder the friend who had motivated me to going on it.

The fact is, serious addicts like I was during this period of my life, will do anything to get their fix. For me, it was doing things like going on retreats just like this and I constantly changed my goals in life to meet my toxic behaviors, rather than do what a healthy person normally does, which is change their behaviors to meet their goals.

So while I didn’t receive the spiritual benefits so many usually get out of the Cursillo retreat, I did learn a very valuable lesson many years later because of my participation in it. Addictions truly spoil many wonderful experiences in life that God tries to bless us with. But thankfully, I’m not letting any addictions or others influence me anymore in my spiritual growth and I’m excited for when God tells me it’s time for my next retreat. J

Peace, love, light, and joy

Andrew Arthur Dawson