Month: March 2013

Why Am I Here?

“Why Am I Here?” This thought has crossed my mind so many times in the last year of my life with all the pain and struggles I have had to face every single day. The life I once lived now seems like it was someone else’s or a very distant memory.

Ten years ago I was still employed by the U.S. Government, earning $82,000 per year. I was about to sell my house and make a $200,000 profit which would be invested fully into a new bed and breakfast venture with my then partner of several years. I was soon to be owning a home and a business on a small island off the coast of Virginia. And I felt like I had finally arrived to a life that I was always meant to be living in.

Since then I lost my mother, then that partner, then that business, then all that money, than my health, then most of my friends, and finally my ability to be employed. There are days like today that it takes every ounce of courage and determination to keep moving forward with faith that God will deliver me out of this state which I have referred to lately as Hell. Religion speaks often to a fire and brimstone place that one’s soul goes to when they die a sinner. On days like today when pain wreaks havoc in various areas of my body and when depression fills my vessel, it often feels like I’m in that fiery pit now.

In the Bible, there was the story of Job who was tested for his faith as he endured great losses all around him and within him. For anyone who’s read the story, Job was able to maintain his faith even as he lost more and more. But eventually he would cry out in the end and plea to God to take his life because the pain was so great and because he had no answers as to why he was suffering. God finally did speak to Job after his plea. The chapter in the Bible concludes with God restoring Job on every level with even more than what he originally had lost. Unfortunately, there is no proof that Job’s story is even real. Some biblical scholars say it’s true. Other’s have said it’s a parable to provide hope for those going through great suffering. For me, I have often thought of myself on some level as Job, like on days like today, when I have cried out in my own anguish and wished God would take me from this life.

The memory of me having all that money, all those friends, and all those possessions so many years ago obviously wasn’t supposed to be the journey that I was meant to be on. Where my journey is heading, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have endured great pain and suffering for almost three years now, the last year of which has been more than not, unbearable.

I don’t understand God nor His plan for me. To a few people that I know, comparisons have been made to the life I’m now living as somewhat of a monk. Quite often, it’s extremely difficult for me to be around a lot of people. I spend most of my days and evenings alone now because I find it very hard to explain to everyone what I feel inside when what they see on the outside doesn’t quite line up. To some I’m sure the feeling is that I have some area of unconfessed sin that is driving all of this. Job’s three friends even tried to convince him of this, except Job’s suffering was due to Satan trying to prove that Job would denounce God when all of what he had was taken away. Rest assured, I have confessed everything that I am aware of in my life that wasn’t done in love and light. I’ve made amends wherever possible. I’ve done everything that I know I can do from a health and healing standpoint. I’ve been prayed for, prayed over, and anointed with oil. And I have removed everything from my life that would drive me away from living a completely spiritually God-centered life.

So far I still have no answers. I am told by my spiritual advisor and Shaman, by my closest friends, and by my partner, to remain patient. It’s really hard. And on some days, like how I feel right now, tears come to my eyes, and I silently ask God “Why?” I don’t know why I’m still going through all of this. I don’t know why I’m still even here. It’s even harder when I see people all around me getting away with behaviors that are filled with a lot of darkness and hate while I try to do the best I can to stay spiritually centered with God.

What I do know is that I am going to continue to do the best I can to keep going and trust that God will one day bring light to the darkness that I feel. That He will deliver me out of this pain and suffering I continue to endure. And that He will show me the next step on my path as to why I’m still here and how best I can serve His will.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Beginning Of My True Recovery From Addictions

It was the beginning of September, 2007. I had just come back from a month long trip in Europe where I was trying to run from myself and all my addiction based behaviors. Ironically the place I spent the most time during this hiatus from my life was Amsterdam, a place where one can find any addiction readily accessible. When I landed at Logan Airport in Boston, MA, I was a mess on every level and knew I needed help. It had been 12 years since my last drink or drug and I felt worse than when I had been active in either of those addictions. The progression of my disease had worsened each year since my sober and clean date of June 11, 1995 because I had gone to substitute addictions that kept me feeling numb. On top of that, my business and finances in Virginia, where I had previously lived, were in shambles and a seven year relationship with someone I thought would last forever was now over. The only person willing to take me in at that point in time was my sister who lived in an outlying suburb of Boston, Massachusetts.

Shortly after landing, my only friend in Massachusetts called me and suggested after hearing my duress, that I come to his home group in AA on that upcoming Friday night. For years, this friend had made the same request when I was in the area visiting. On every one of those prior occasions, my answer was always the same that I had something better to do, or even worse, I would guilt trip him into skipping his weekly home group meeting stating that I was only in town for a short period of time. I never realized how self-centered those actions were or how much AA might have helped me with all the pain I felt inside.

People in recovery have said that when one really hits their bottom, they become willing to do just about anything to find healing. When that phone call arrived at that moment from this friend, I didn’t have any excuses anymore. I didn’t have any other place I could think of that I’d rather be. I knew I needed help and that if I didn’t get help, I was either going to go back out on drinking or drugs or kill myself. So I told my friend that I would be there. When that Friday night arrived, I plugged the directions into my GPS for the church that the meeting was being held at, and an hour later, I arrived. As I walked in the front door of the church, I saw my friend, along with a tremendous amount of other people who were all smiling, laughing, and greeting each other with hugs. I felt completely at odds.

My friend gave me a big hug and said he was glad that I came. I told him that I really needed to speak about what I was going through at that meeting that night. He explained to me that he didn’t think it would be possible because there was an incoming commitment. I had never heard that term before and asked him to explain. He told me that in the New England area, many AA groups go out to other groups, detoxes, hospitals, or prisons, and speak about their experience, strength, and hope in recovery. And that night, he told me, there was a group coming in to do just that. Many old timers would say that at that point, I should have just gone into that meeting, sat down, shut up, and listened to each of the speakers.

I didn’t.

In my ego and self-centered universe, I thought everybody needed to hear what I was going through. So instead of listening to what those old-timers would have told me, I kept badgering my friend and convinced him to talk to the incoming commitment and place me on their list of speakers. He eventually gave in and I was called at the end of the meeting to come up and speak. As I slowly walked up to the podium, I looked out at the 150+ people that were there to get a message of positivity and hope that recovery can bring. Instead what came out was that my name was Andrew, that I was still an alcoholic, that I was 12 years clean and sober and that I was also a complete, horrific mess. The last thing I remember saying that night was that both my parents took their lives from this disease and that I was going to do the same if I didn’t get help. I left that podium after that in a torrent of tears.

God really does work in mysterious ways. While it may have been completely selfish and self-centered with speaking at that AA meeting, it changed the course of my life for the better. I got a sponsor that night. I got a list of phone numbers of people to call. I developed a group of friends that helped me realize there were sober people out there to hang out and have fun with. And over time, through working the steps, I found God all around me and within me. He had always been there, I just had kept running from him from one addiction to another.

Thank God for my friend offering me as he always did to come to that meeting. Thank God for AA and recovery. Thank God that I’m still clean and sober today and now even from all addictions.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Selfish Versus Take Care of Myself

Just over twenty-four hours ago I awoke at 3am with flu-like symptoms. With a fever that spiked somewhere between 101 and 102 degrees and aches and chills everywhere, I was down for the count yesterday. Thankfully today I am back to par and am glad that I spent yesterday doing nothing but laying in bed and taking care of me.

Being a recovering alcoholic and addict, I’ve come to learn there is a difference between being selfish and taking care of myself. I came from a family where there was always an angle for everything. All actions arose out of some end desire for either of my parents. I too became this way as I grew older and immersed myself in addictions. Day in and day out I sought one of my addictions and nothing was going to get in my way of living in them. If I did anything that might have been deemed kind or nice by someone else, I had an angle behind it. Over the past year as I have transcended into a more God-centered life, I have been able to see these patterns and begin to remove them from my life.

Yesterday, as my fever was spiking, I had to make a choice to not attend a commitment I had made to speak with a few others at a detox facility. For someone else that decision may have seemed like a no-brainer. For me, it was a little more complex. Having lived for much of 22 years completely selfish and self-centered, I have spent much of this past year getting out and doing what I can with no motivation other than to help others heal. One of those things is going to speak at various facilities where the still suffering alcoholics and addicts go for treatment.

I asked myself the question multiple times yesterday if it was being selfish if I cancelled on my commitment and stayed home. Part of me continued to say that there were a lot more people worse off than how I was feeling. Thankfully with the aid of my therapist as well as my spiritual advisor and sponsor, I thought things out further on how it would be if I did show up. Would I really have been effective speaking about my experience, strength, and hope in front of a group of people as I shook uncontrollably? Would I have been able to show convincing testimony of the benefits of God and AA while dozing off with the fatigue I was battling. Would I be able to show the happiness and joy that I normally have in living in recovery and serving God? The answers to each of these questions after much thought was “no”. I decided because of that, it wasn’t selfish for me to take care of myself and stay home last night. The action of going could have put others at risk on both a health perspective as well as a recovery one. And just as important, it could have made me even unhealthier.

Living a life for as long as I did selfishly does add some complications to my normal thought processes about things like what happened yesterday. Much of my prior life, when I was active in addictions, was filled with excuses that I was too tired, too depressed, too anxious, or too “anything” to get out of myself and help another. In most of those cases, all of those things that I made excuses for, were brought on by myself and arose out of my addictions in the first place. In contrast, how I felt in the previous 24 hours was out of my control. When I awoke this morning and felt 100 percent better, I realized that my choice to stay home and take care of myself yesterday was the best thing I could have done.

Thankfully, with having a much stronger recovery from my addictions today, I have the support in my life from a few individuals and from God to show me that sometimes just taking care of myself is the best action to follow.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson