“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all…”
Recovery is a funny thing. The more I’ve recovered from my addictions, the more I’ve seen how many people and institutions I harmed when I wasn’t recovering from those addictions and the more its gotten clearer just how sick and toxic I was.
When I first sat down to work on this step, I came up with thirty names of people and institutions who I knew I had harmed and owed amends to. Over the years since then, the list has grown directly proportional to the growth that I’ve made in my relationship with God.
Quite often, our egos get in the way of seeing a situation more clearly where we may have caused harm. They may get bruised or they may feel twinges of fear in facing an amends that could bring about that much needed healing and growth that recovery is meant to bring. So instead, those amends may never make it on the 8th Step list and the release from that guilt and shame never comes.
Very similar to the 4th Step Turnarounds, a thorough 8th Step includes writing down where one was selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid for each of the people or institutions listed. Something that I noticed when I finished writing this step was how all of those entries showed me that I’ve been an insecure person for most of my life and through that insecurity, I acted out in addictions and caused great harm to others. In every single case, my insecurity drove me to selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fear based behaviors, each of which harmed someone or something.
As my self-will has decreased over the years in my recovery, I have become more willing to see where my addictions took me and the great harm that I caused to so many because of them. The more I’ve become willing to see where my addictions took me and the great harm I’ve caused to so many, the more I have become willing to write down the names of all those people and institutions I’ve harmed where I once thought they were at fault. The more I have become willing to write down all the names of all those people and institutions I’ve harmed where I once thought they were at fault, the more I have been able to recover from my addictions. The more that I’ve been able to recover from my addictions, the more I’ve been able to grow closer to God. The more I’ve been able to grow closer to God, the less I’m harming anyone or anything anymore. And the less I’m harming anyone or anything anymore, the more I realize there’s a good chance I won’t have to write a big amends list ever again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
