My Life Then And Now

It’s difficult sometimes to see from within my own perspective any growth I’ve made over the past few years of my life. Being riddled with tremendous amounts of physical pain daily has often altered my perception and reality of just how far I’ve come. I decided that this entry was to essentially fulfill a homework assignment I created for myself as based upon my new therapist’s urgings. She had encouraged me in my last session to write down any signs of progress and healing I’ve made since January of 2010 when my life came crashing to a halt.

Three years and four months ago when 2010 initially began, I officially lost the bed and breakfast I had owned and everything I had financially put into it. At the time, I was actively engaging in a sexual relationship with a married man and also had many toxic friendships, both of which I wasn’t even aware how severely codependent I was on them. After the B&B’s demise, came my own with the decline of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health in that order. Over the past forty months, I have continued to allow God to take over more and more reigns of my life and have done what I can to heal. The following italicized list, in no particular order, is all the things I could think of to where I’ve seen growth and changes for the better happening in my life and I thank God for each of them:

I have broken off contact and ended any connections to that married man and the one that followed and no longer engage in any kind of relationship with any married or partnered person who “cheats” or “plays” outside their own relationship, as compared to how I once had at least one of them always active in my life.

I no longer maintain any friendships with those actively suffering and still partaking in any major addictions including drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex/love where I once sought out those types of friendships to feel better about myself.

I have separated myself permanently from those who were codependent on me for their own existence as for the longest time, I had at least one always in my life.

I have removed all the friendships in my own life I held any level of codependency on as compared to how I always had at least one person I felt I couldn’t live without on an unhealthy level.

I regularly now attend multiple AA meetings a week as compared to how I once avoided AA like the plague more than not.

I speak about my own experience, strength, and hope in recovery at least once a week at either a 12 Step meeting or a recovery facility for those still suffering from addictions whereas I once avoided speaking at all because I had nothing to offer anyone but my own addictions.

I write something daily now relating to my life and the hope I wish to bring the world by blogging in here as compared to all those years where I had stopped writing altogether.

I am in a monogamous relationship with a man I love dearly and think only of him on all sexual and intimate levels whereas I once either was dating several people at a time or fantasizing, flirting and treading the fine line with cheating with others while in a committed relationship.

I no longer look at any pornographic materials at all as compared to the hours I once spent doing so.

I don’t drink or consume any caffeinated-laden beverages or foods at all as compared to how I constantly once sought doing it.

I am sponsoring a person currently through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous after many years of no one wanting me to do so.

I no longer am taking any anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, or any medications in general as they all had once kept me numb and not moving forward in my healing.

I am finding it less and less necessary to argue with anyone about anything whereas I generally once liked drama and having the final word.

I am able to cry more now when something moves my heart as compared to how tears rarely flowed out of my eyes for anything.

I enjoy spending time alone going to the movies, praying, meditating, sitting in the sun, doing puzzles, reading, writing, and so much more where I once despised spending any amount of time by myself except to sleep.

I am reading self-help books and novels again after many years of finding it difficult to read anything in print.

My relationship with my sister and her family is rapidly improving compared to the many years I broke their trust and avoided spending time or energy on getting closer to them.

I am not buying the latest and greatest of anything and spending money frivolously on “stuff” that I once thought I needed to have to be happy.

I ask everyday for God’s will to reign in my life and to remove from me all the things that keep me separate and unloving as compared to the total self-will run riot that I lived in on most days.

I love myself a lot more and can look in the mirror now and say so as compared to how I used to want to smash any reflection of myself away.

When I find myself still getting angry at anything, I usually see a mirror reflecting back on me on my own life lessons as compared to how I generally once blamed everyone else for it.

I have regular spiritual routines I have been keeping to for quite awhile now even when I don’t feel much like doing them, as compared to how I once would start one of them and then give it up soon after.

I find a much greater love and appreciation for what I still have in my life and not what I don’t.

I have a much greater capacity in my life of faith, trust, hope, acceptance, patience and love as compared to how most of them were non-existent not too long ago.

And I have spiritual teachers in my life now who are dedicating a lot of their time to helping me heal without any conditions whereas I once had no one but those trying to help me heal that also wanted something more from me and garnered a hidden agenda.

I’m sure I could write plenty more examples of how my life has improved now as compared to the beginning of 2010 if I was to spend a lot more time thinking about it. The more important thing though is what I did find through in writing this homework assignment. My life then was a complete disaster and a toxic mess. My life now is spiritually, mentally, and emotionally so much better and improving more and more everyday. While I’ve seen the reverse still happening with my physical health since I started working on myself all those years ago, I continue forward in my healing everyday by maintaining a large amount of trust and faith in God. I trust in God that all this physical pain is just a purging of all those toxins I took on in this life and previous ones and I have faith in God that I’ll one day be free from all those toxins as well. And I know on that day, I will be able to see my life has become better not just spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, but physically too.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Author: Andrew Arthur Dawson

A teacher of meditation, a motivational speaker, a reader of numerology, and a writer by trade, Andrew Arthur Dawson is a spiritual man devoted to serving his Higher Power and bringing a lot more light and love into this world. This blog, www.thetwelfthstep.com is just one of those ways... View all posts by Andrew Arthur Dawson