Is it truly possible to remain clean and sober from an addiction using only sheer will power? This was the hot topic of the day at a 12 Step meeting I attended about a week ago and it’s one in recovery that often polarizes those who believe in a Higher Power and those who don’t. But I’ve discovered through my own trials and tribulations with addictions throughout life that the real answer isn’t whether one can or cannot remain clean and sober through will power at all, it’s whether one’s will power is enough to find true recovery from their addiction and in my case, it never was.
How this debate always seems to begin in any meeting is where a person shares the number of years they’ve been clean and sober and the follows that with some type of a statement about how they’ve never had to seek a Higher Power to reach their current sobriety milestone. In the latest iteration I observed of this ongoing argument, a gentleman explained how God or a Higher Power did not drive his nine years of sobriety. Instead, it was his willpower that got him there. He went on to dispute that when he does something like hold open a door for an individual, it’s his willpower making that decision to di it and not some type of a Higher Presence. He provided several other similar examples and remained very adamant about how his long-term sobriety has always been grounded in the power of his will and not anything else. Ironically, I can’t and won’t argue his point because I went 12 years living exactly the same way. But, as I alluded to already when I began this entry, while willpower may be enough in some cases to help a person remain clean and sober, I have never seen it be enough to find full recovery from any addiction.
I equate these words “full recovery” today to how I end each of my blog entries when I use the words “peace, love, light, and joy.” I never really had any of those elements active within me during all the years I was clean and sober without a Higher Power guiding my way. In fact, there were many times back then that I didn’t hold those doors open for people either. That’s probably because I was completely restless, irritable, and discontent most of the time where I thought more about myself than anyone else. Sure, there were days that were better than others and on them my willpower was definitely much stronger. And when it was, I would hold those doors open and do other selfless actions as well. But on the days where my willpower was weak, even though I might not have picked up a drink or a drug, I partook in other addictions such as sex, caffeine, or gambling. The more I engaged in any of them, the more selfish my actions became in life and the less I did things such as holding a door open for anyone. None of that changed until I finally sought a Higher Power to guide my sobriety and when I did, that Higher Power guided me into something much better, which was a life of recovery.
While I still have plenty of moments in my life of recovery where I might not feel all that great, I do have a lot more peace, love, light, and joy operating within me as compared to the days when my willpower was mostly running the show. Interestingly enough, I hold those doors open now for people not because of my willpower, but because something inside me has changed for the better. I no longer have a desire to act out on any addiction either and I also want to be selfless now in all of my thoughts, words, and actions, even on those days when I am feeling a little down. That’s an incredibly far cry from when my willpower was more in charge, because it was then you would find me slamming those doors in people’s faces instead.
There’s one last thing I think is important to mention on this debate of willpower versus Higher Power. Every sober person I’ve ever met who has avoided seeking a Higher Power either has relapsed down the road or has lived as a dry addict with that constant state of restless, irritable, and discontent. I should know as I lived that way for way too long and almost relapsed myself.
So as far as I’m concerned, willpower can only get an individual so far in the battle with addictions. But searching out a Higher Power will do exactly as the 12 Steps are intended to do, and that’s to help a person find a life filled with a lot more peace, love, happiness, and joy.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
In my experience, I have found exactly one person who, as an atheist, has demonstrated the fruits of a happy and contented sobriety. And even he has expressed that there is something – unnamed, unquantifiable – that happens when people with a common problem and a common solution gather together. He’s quite open about his struggle to accept everyone else’s talk of God or Higher Power or whatever, and his sharing has brought a number of insights about how I understand my own Higher Power.
He is, however, the exception, rather than the rule.
However, I don’t argue any more – with the self-will people or any other fundamentalists, for that matter. I have to be reminded, often, that the Preamble that one 12-step group uses says that they are “an organization of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other.,” and that the organization “does not wish to engage in any controversy.” I recognize that I’m not there to change anyone else’s mind or argue them into some idea of “right” behavior, because that’s not my job. (It makes meeting-going so much easier for me.)
A good friend shared with me two things that have worked for him: 1) I don’t have to attend every argument to which I am invited, and 2) I’m never completely powerless – I always have the power to make things worse. I always have a choice – be “an instrument of Peace,” or be “a blunt instrument of will.”
As for those who are willing themselves through life, the last truism fits well: “It will get them in the end, and that’s *always* the wrong end. So get the hell out of the way and let the clowns finish their act.” When I am confronted by their particular variety of insanity, my safest answer is, “That may work for you, but that has not been my experience.”