Do you regularly stare at someone that you find attractive when they walk by or happen to be in the same room as you? If so, is it a quick stare, a long gaze, or something else altogether? In my case, it’s usually been the latter and often the very thing that led me directly into acting out in my sex and love addiction. But in my recovery from this addiction, I’ve learned about this action called the three-second rule that can help curb this behavior.
The three-second rule is simply this. When a person is nearby that one finds attractive, acknowledge it for no more than three seconds and then move on. Unfortunately for most people in recovery from a sex and love addiction though, this can tend to be a very difficult thing to do indeed. In my case, I frequently have looked for those three seconds, then looked away for a short period of time, then looked back again for three more seconds, and then repeated this behavior over and over until the person is no longer in my presence.
In fact, just the other night, I was in one of these recovery meetings doing this very thing with someone there, which only led me to feel slightly guilty when the meeting ended. Thankfully, my peers in that program reminded me that this behavior was a far cry from how I used to be with this addiction. They were right because (a) I never used to look away at all when I saw someone attractive, and (b) I used to follow all the long staring with doing whatever I could to get that person’s phone number. I’m grateful to say I didn’t do that the other night with this person, nor have I done that with anyone else in a long time. As it’s a sure bet that if I did get a person’s phone number I just stared at for long periods of time, I’m probably already in a relapse mode.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t excuse the excessive staring I did at the meeting that night, nor does it excuse all the other times I’ve done this lately either. I know it’s something I must work a little harder on, which is one of the main reasons why I’m writing about it here. I’ve actually spoken about this quite a bit with my sponsor and his sponsor as well, and both have said to not beat myself up about it. I guess that’s an easy thing for me to do sometimes though because I think beating myself up will be the necessary motivation to change an unhealthy behavior. Except so far, it hasn’t in this case.
Hence the other reason why I’m writing about this is to admit to the world I have a problem with this behavior, all in the hope that I’ll now be more conscious of not doing it the next time someone attractive comes along. Even better, after that meeting the other night, I told two of my recovery friends that I have this issue, so they can also help me stop doing it if they catch me in the act. But most importantly, I’ve started praying to my Higher Power to give me the willingness to remove this behavior and replace it with a much healthier one, one that follows the three-second rule legitimately.
So hopefully this is the beginning of me finally removing this unwanted behavior, one that draws me away from my Higher Power, one that prevents me from being present with others, and one that will only lead me back into my sex and love addiction in the long run. And I’m grateful to say that I think my Higher Power is already answering my prayers, because if I didn’t have the willingness to change this unhealthy behavior, I don’t really think I’d be writing about it now… J
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson