On Friday’s at my five day a week AA home group, it’s open topic day and one never really knows what’s going to be brought up during them. Usually I contribute something at each of them, but a few weeks ago I found myself struggling to share anything when the subject brought up was to describe our first AA meeting. The reason why I struggled so much was simple. I simply just couldn’t remember it.
The original AA meeting I actually went to was somewhere during the first part of summer of 1995. I had a social worker at the time counseling me who suggested I try attending a few. About the only thing I remember from the first one I checked out was how smoky it was, because back then you could still light up a cigarette during them. Having just quit cigarettes in addition to alcohol, my initial impression of AA quickly became biased. I tried a few others in the days and weeks ahead, but I can’t say I remember any of them either. Part of the problem was that I had an ego a mile wide and I felt that the only thing I needed to do was not drink, not do drugs, and not smoke cigarettes. I never realized that those meetings were a lot more than just dumping one’s drama out there and I didn’t understand that there was a lot more work to do on myself after becoming clean and sober. But the reality was I wasn’t open to doing any of that work on myself back then. My ego had convinced me I was absolutely fine as I was, so long as I was not drinking, smoking, or doing drugs. Over the course of the next 12 years, none of that changed much either.
While I remained clean and sober and hit random meetings here and there, the only things I remember about any of them were whether there was anyone attractive present. Sadly, meetings to me for all those years were nothing more than a dating pool or a place to find a hook-up. My first real memory of an AA meeting didn’t really come until I became so powerless over my addiction-based insanity that I found enough willingness to get to one and actually listen for once. That moment was on the first Friday night of September in 2007 when my only real recovery friend invited me to go to his home group after I told him how miserable I was in life.
I remember walking through the church doors to his group that evening observing how everyone there appeared to be happy, yet I was so incredibly depressed. How could someone with 12 years of sobriety feel this way is what I thought inside as I greeted my friend with a hug? The immediate thing I told him was that I was in a very dark place and needed to share that night. He let me know I wouldn’t be able to though because they had an incoming group coming to share their experience, strength, and hope. I didn’t quite understand what he was talking about though because the only meetings I had ever attended in the past were ones that were open discussion. I proceeded to pressure him with the notion that I absolutely needed to share what was on my mind and after seeing I wasn’t going to give up, he ended up letting the incoming commitment know of my desire. Ironically, they eventually called me up to the podium where I clearly recall feeling a lot of fear inside.
As I stood there and began to speak in front of more than 100 people at a podium, the only thing I ultimately remember saying was how sick I was after all those years of being a dry drunk and that if I didn’t get help that night I was going to kill myself. I then burst into tears and rushed back to my seat. When the meeting ended not too long after, I got my very first sponsor and it was then I definitely began my true path to recovery.
While I’m slightly saddened that it took me as long it did to get there and create a strong enough of a memory to remember my first true AA meeting, I’m still thankful for all those prior ones I went to. Because it shows me how much I’ve grown since that very first smoky one I sat down at all those years ago where I let my ego run the show. I truly consider myself one of the lucky ones now because so many others have walked in my very same shoes and either relapsed, died, or remained a dry drunk. Thank God none of those happened with me and thank God I found enough willingness to finally come to an AA meeting with an open mind, as doing so has saved my life.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
What a terribly long time it was for you to suffer, my friend. It’s like a man who has tied himself to a chair in the middle of a restaurant, starving to death while so many around him are being fed. For my own sake, I am glad you made the choice to insist on sharing, and somehow having the strength to return and continue the real journey of recovery.