Month: August 2015

“As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic. So it’s not strange that lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life, which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. ‘Damn this faith business’, we said. When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had had we asked what God’s will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. In A.A., we saw the fruits of this belief; men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeing neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith, it was faith that worked under all conditions…” (p. 31, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions)

My faith has definitely been wavering tremendously lately with all the intense mental, emotional, and physical pains I’ve been struggling with. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed to God for a very long time now for my suffering to end and have yet to see that come to fruition. While I may not understand why, I still continue to trudge forward, waiting patiently, and constantly asking for God’s will to be done in my life. That’s only because I grew tired of waiting on God to answer my prayers just over four years ago, when I spent an entire year taking matters into my own hands. That year didn’t end well, as that bout of defiance only caused me to have a nervous breakdown and attempt suicide. I have since spent almost three and a half years now trying to become more and more reliant on God. But it’s truly hard sometimes, especially when great pain is involved. I mean who really wants to walk through pain on a daily basis anyway? I sure don’t, but I continue to do so anyway, because I know exactly where defiance led me the last time I grew impatient and stopped waiting for the miracle to happen. It will happen though, in fact it is happening, because I know with me writing about it here that it’s helping me to remain reliant on God, and ultimately, I believe that’s the only solution to finding eternal peace and serenity for all of life’s impossible situations.

I pray I keep the faith that God will eventually deliver me from whatever troubles I’m going through. And I pray I remain fully reliant on God, and never return to a life of defiance, even when my mind may try so desperately to tell me otherwise.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson