Most people probably already know that a “rain-check” is a thing usually given to a consumer for some future deliverable good. But in the sex and love addiction world, there’s a similar term that takes on a slightly different meaning. It’s called “rain-checking” and it refers to when the addict leaves open the possibility of acting out in the future with a potential partner.
The best example I can provide of rain-checking is unfortunately something I must take from my own old addict playbook. Anytime I was already in a relationship, I would still go out and meet people I was attracted to online, in meetings, at various events and parties, and so on and so forth, and would do whatever I could to let them know I was attracted to them. Most often that would lead to the exchange of the “rain-check”, which was trading phone numbers. And then little by little, I’d make phone calls to each of them during times of relationship frustration, which would only lead to where I would soon be hanging out with them in person. At first I’d use those times to express only verbal intimate desires, telling myself I wasn’t breaking the physical monogamy boundary. But as my own relationship began to falter, not even realizing I was the one causing it, I’d eventually leave it to act out with the “rain-checked” person I had groomed. Sadly, the pattern would only continue into the next relationship, where as soon as the appeal of the newness of it was over, I’d return to working on rain-checking others. And as much as this is difficult to say, at any point in time in my prior acting out days, I’d have at least three or more people rain-checked for future possibilities.
Thankfully, I’m not practicing this toxic behavior anymore. I saw how it not only destroyed any potential of a healthy monogamous relationship, it also ruined any ability to grow my spirituality and relationship with God.
Today I clearly see with my sex and love addiction recovery that exchanging phone numbers with someone who is single and available that I’m also attracted to is not healthy. It’s called rain-checking and doing so is only going to lead straight back into the addiction itself. Thank God I’m no longer doing this…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
This is great example and helpful. I just learned the term “Rainchecking”. This was a bit different for me on the receiving in as the last person I dated bought gifts, and a trip to his home in Arizona as he lived part time there and in my city, San Diego. As a result I discovered after a conversation on where I stood with him, that these jesters were not because he loved me, wanted a long term relationship with me, or that I was even the woman for him. This is a Love Avoidant Man who sends confusing signals causing a great deal of hurt to the woman he is dating. Yet, he seems to think this shows that he is a good guy with his generousity. Maybe not so much. Very painful lesson for me! So now practiicing No Contact to move on and rebuild.
Ann, so glad you connected with the article and great insight on your part as well! Keep up the great work and thank you for responding to my article! ?❤️
Hi Andrew, I attended SLAA fellowship in 2010 while living in London and was at the time in a very toxic relationship…. I managed to complete Steps 1 to 3 with two wonderful sponsors, but couldn’t bring myself to do Step 4 on self – inventory and as a result didn’t progress any further…
Thirteen years later, I am finding myself in a stable ten year relationship, however, for the past two months, I have been communicating with a friend via messages almost on a daily basis. It started quite innocent, however, now I feel that my day isn’t complete without rain-checking… I could not comprehend how have I entered this situation again after all the books I’ve read on subject matter and all the work I did in therapy…. I am stuck and honestly, even knowing what to do, the pull is so strong….so alluring….I would very much like to gradually reduce the messaging and become content again, but it’s really hard at present.
Thought I’d share my thoughts with you, and thank you for your good explanation, and the bravery to share your own story…
One step at the time, one day at the time…
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It’s been awhile since I received any comments on here to my articles. I wrote for ten straight years then finally decided it was time for a break. So I am grateful for this as I too have been going through a lot. Except in my case it’s not with re-engaging in what my past acting out behaviors were. It’s more that the relationship I was in for ten years ended last fall and I have been navigating a very lonely life since, sitting in the stillness and emptiness like I never have before. I’ve learned that for all the times I messaged and connected with someone like you have been going through, it was always something lacking in my relationship I was missing and ultimately something within me and my connection to my Higher Power, which I choose to call God. Take the time to sit in the stillness when you feel compelled to talk to this person. See what you are lacking and ask God to fill it instead of that person. Nevertheless, I am proud of you for reaching out and being so honest with me and the world. Thank you. 🙏