Day 12, it’s time to return home to Toledo from Grand Cayman and as I type this, I’m actually on the last leg of my flight there. Originally, I was just going to end this series with yesterday’s entry, but the more I thought about it, the more I really felt it needed a proper conclusion.
Overall I must say that this was probably the most challenging vacation I’ve ever been on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically it was truly difficult to keep my sanity for most of this trip, given all that I went through inside. I know there are going to be some who read this who aren’t going to understand how a person can go to an exotic destination and feel the way I did. But I’ve come to learn in life that unless I’m walking in that person’s shoes I will never be able to understand what they’re going through.
Nevertheless, because of all the struggles I endured in Grand Cayman, my partner and I decided we’re not going to take any time away again until I start feeling better. In all honesty, I didn’t have much fun on this vacation and that’s hard for me to admit given how much I wanted to. In fact, I’ve been so down about it that I’ve even felt like I ruined my partner’s only vacation he gets for the year. He says I didn’t, but I know how much better the trip could have been if I hadn’t gone through so much turmoil inside. I know it’s not always going to be like this and I know there will be other vacations some day that I will enjoy again. It’s just a bummer that this one has now come and gone and most of my memories from it are the struggles I went through.
Regardless, when my day began this morning in Grand Cayman at 7:30am, it started out like all the others with me going down to the beach and soaking my feet, asking the ocean to help take some of my pain away and bring healing within me. I fully believe that the ocean is just an extension of God and somehow I’ve always felt closer to God when I do this. I then dug a small hole in the beach and mentally pictured all of my pains and ailments going into it. After burying it, I headed up to the room to do my morning spiritual routine, which was followed with a shower and breakfast. As I ate the last of the fruit, yogurt, and donut on the balcony, glancing out at the ocean, my heart felt so heavy. Heavy because I knew I would miss the ocean and the small bit of peace I had received from it. Soon after, everything was packed and ready to go, and we headed out of the room for the last time. Tears fell from my eyes as the door closed. I just couldn’t believe my trip was over, as on some level it never felt like it even got started for me.
Thankfully the drive to the airport was quick and both legs of our flights were on time as well. I also utilized the handicap assistance again today to make my travel home a little easier. Soon we’ll have landed and be on our way back to our humble home, most likely ordering a pizza since there’s no food in the house. There’s a part of me that feels so broken right now as I type these remaining words, because it’s days like today that I ultimately wonder why God has had me suffering for as long as I have.
While I may not understand You God, I still maintain my faith that You know what You’re doing within me. And while my trip to Grand Cayman may not have been what I had hoped for, I’m still going to do something that I promised myself I’d do to end this blog vacation series. I’m going to express my gratitude to You.
So I’m grateful to You God that I was even able to make it on this trip and have two eyes and two ears to see and hear the things I did. I’m grateful for experiencing so much of Your beautiful marine life from coral to sea turtles to stingrays to tropical fish. I’m grateful You brought a nice couple from Roanoke into our lives who embraced me with nothing but unconditional love. I’m grateful to You for each of those moments where I smiled and laughed and remembered what it’s like to experience Your peace and joy. I’m grateful that I remained clean and sober from all my former addictions throughout the entire time, even as pain-filled as I was. I’m grateful for all the wonderful meals You provided us, as well as the incredible accommodations You helped us to find. And last but certainly not the least, I’m grateful to You for placing my partner Chris in my life, as he has supported me through everything I’ve gone through, both on this trip, and on this healing journey I’ve been on to grow closer to You.
So thank You for all these things and all the others that remain silently upon my heart and know that I’m forever grateful for what I did experience in Grand Cayman, even in the midst of all my pains and struggles…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
