I’ve never done the act of cutting myself, which is the process of where a person takes a sharp object such as a razor blade and places small incisions on parts of their body and subsequently watches them bleed, all for the purposes of relieving emotional pain they are feeling inside. While I may never have done that act specifically, I can still relate to those that have because at times I find myself picking at spots on parts of my body, trying to remove them, usually with little to no success, and instead causing nothing more than me bleeding from a self-inflicted wound. So why do I do this? And how does this relate to what a cutter may go through? Well ultimately I feel it comes down to control and sheer frustration over the emotions going on within.
You see in my case, I’ve been going through an ordeal with my health and healing for some time now. For whatever the reason, my journey to greater health has been a difficult one where my body constantly seems to be going through very painful transitions to get there. While I have gotten better in some areas, others are taking far longer than I’d like and sometimes I just get so frustrated by the emotional despair I feel inside over that. When I do, I occasionally have found myself suddenly picking at things I can see on the outside of me in an attempt to control some part of the healing process I’m going through.
Just the other day for example, I had been really struggling with my level of physical pain when I saw a few spots on my back in the mirror that were most likely signs of aging. But they overwhelmed me so much that I started digging at them with my fingernail, trying desperately to remove them, only to cause more problems for myself. And where I ended up after that was me crying profusely and praying to God for relief from all that I’ve been going through. On some level, the act created a release point for all the pent up frustration I felt inside in that moment.
Why I feel like this relates to a cutter is only for the fact that I’ve known a few of them over the years. Take this person I once knew who used to cut themselves after engaging in homosexual contact. Deep down they didn’t know how to reconcile the pain they had over their sexual identity or the fact that they had been molested at a pretty young age. So every time they had a gay sexual encounter, their emotional imbalance over that part of themselves would surface. They then would often begin cutting themselves because it was the only way they knew how to control and release the emotional pain they felt inside.
So as in this person’s case or in mine, it comes down to acts of control. I tend to believe the only remedy for that is to let go and let God and some days I’m better at doing that than others. But ultimately I know that whether it’s cutting, picking or hurting oneself in any way, shape, or form, it’s never a healthy action.
It’s pretty humbling for me to write about this and how my own actions relate to those who cut themselves, but when you’ve endured physical pain for as long as I have, the emotions run pretty high inside. Yet I know that cutting oneself or even picking at things on the body to the point of bleeding is not even close to an act of unconditional love. Truly it is actually the exact opposite of that. And I know it’s something God is probably sad about every time He sees it happen with anyone.
This is why I have compassion now for even those who cut themselves. Because those that do, must have some pretty deep-seated pain to drive them to that act. Thus it’s my prayer and hope that anyone who is inflicting any pain to themselves no matter how small it is, finds solace in God, because ultimately, I know that has been the only healthy solution I’ve found to help me release my own pain…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson