Relating To Cutters And Control

I’ve never done the act of cutting myself, which is the process of where a person takes a sharp object such as a razor blade and places small incisions on parts of their body and subsequently watches them bleed, all for the purposes of relieving emotional pain they are feeling inside. While I may never have done that act specifically, I can still relate to those that have because at times I find myself picking at spots on parts of my body, trying to remove them, usually with little to no success, and instead causing nothing more than me bleeding from a self-inflicted wound. So why do I do this? And how does this relate to what a cutter may go through? Well ultimately I feel it comes down to control and sheer frustration over the emotions going on within.

You see in my case, I’ve been going through an ordeal with my health and healing for some time now. For whatever the reason, my journey to greater health has been a difficult one where my body constantly seems to be going through very painful transitions to get there. While I have gotten better in some areas, others are taking far longer than I’d like and sometimes I just get so frustrated by the emotional despair I feel inside over that. When I do, I occasionally have found myself suddenly picking at things I can see on the outside of me in an attempt to control some part of the healing process I’m going through.

Just the other day for example, I had been really struggling with my level of physical pain when I saw a few spots on my back in the mirror that were most likely signs of aging. But they overwhelmed me so much that I started digging at them with my fingernail, trying desperately to remove them, only to cause more problems for myself. And where I ended up after that was me crying profusely and praying to God for relief from all that I’ve been going through. On some level, the act created a release point for all the pent up frustration I felt inside in that moment.

Why I feel like this relates to a cutter is only for the fact that I’ve known a few of them over the years. Take this person I once knew who used to cut themselves after engaging in homosexual contact. Deep down they didn’t know how to reconcile the pain they had over their sexual identity or the fact that they had been molested at a pretty young age. So every time they had a gay sexual encounter, their emotional imbalance over that part of themselves would surface. They then would often begin cutting themselves because it was the only way they knew how to control and release the emotional pain they felt inside.

So as in this person’s case or in mine, it comes down to acts of control. I tend to believe the only remedy for that is to let go and let God and some days I’m better at doing that than others.  But ultimately I know that whether it’s cutting, picking or hurting oneself in any way, shape, or form, it’s never a healthy action.

It’s pretty humbling for me to write about this and how my own actions relate to those who cut themselves, but when you’ve endured physical pain for as long as I have, the emotions run pretty high inside. Yet I know that cutting oneself or even picking at things on the body to the point of bleeding is not even close to an act of unconditional love. Truly it is actually the exact opposite of that. And I know it’s something God is probably sad about every time He sees it happen with anyone.

This is why I have compassion now for even those who cut themselves. Because those that do, must have some pretty deep-seated pain to drive them to that act. Thus it’s my prayer and hope that anyone who is inflicting any pain to themselves no matter how small it is, finds solace in God, because ultimately, I know that has been the only healthy solution I’ve found to help me release my own pain…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Andy and The Zodiac Crystal – Chapter 34

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
There’s no bell for me to ring, that’s why I’m knocking on your door!

Click here to open the PDF for Chapters 1 to 33.

Andy and The Zodiac Crystal – Chapter 34

“What are you doing here?! Get out!” I said feeling half angry, half scared at seeing the sudden appearance of Assistant Principal Carl Dillard in Chris’s bedroom.

“The real question is…what are you doing here Andy?” said Carl with a sneer and in that same sinister-sounding tone. “Looking for your Guardian I presume. Well it’s apparent he’s not here. Let me guess, he must have gone to the Council to see how you two can stop me.”

“We ARE going to find a way to stop you.” I said maybe a little too overly confident.

The pain began searing immediately in my head.

“You can’t stop me. No one can, especially not from a few 12-years olds the Council thinks so highly of.”

“Yeah, well if you are so powerful, then why do you need my crystal?!” 

“Because with your crystal in my possession, no one is ever going to stop me.”

“So then you’re admitting I actually have a chance to stop you then?” I said catching on to the irony in his words. “You know what I think Carl? I think you’re afraid. That’s why you want my crystal because you’re afraid of losing the only power you have in this world and becoming powerless.”

The pain grew even stronger, like a nail was being driven into my head, but I didn’t stop.

“You think you’re so strong, but actually, you’re weak! You have to control people and instill fear in them just to respect you. That’s why you aren’t a Keeper of a light-based Zodiac crystal and that’s why you can’t stand the Council.” 

Even though the pain in my head was becoming excruciating, I could feel something stronger growing within me.

“You don’t know anything. You’re just a stupid kid who has a powerful crystal with no idea how to use it.” Carl said defiantly.

“I don’t need a crystal to deal with bullies like you. That’s all you are Carl. An adult-sized bully. And that’s what your Dad was to you. And guess what? Now you’re only following in his footsteps becoming just like him.”

“SHUT UP YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE COCKROACH!” 

Something was happening. The pain was lessening in my head and I could tell it was undermining Carl’s ability to control me with his dark crystal’s abilities.

“Am I striking a nerve Carl? You know what’s funny? I don’t care about the pain you’re causing in my head anymore. In fact, you can inflict all the pain you want on me, but that’s not going to change the fact that you’re still just a scared little kid who had an abusive father!”

The pain in my head then suddenly disappeared completely.

“Maybe if your parents had treated you with unconditional love, you might have not become like this. Maybe then Council might have selected you to receive the crystal you want so bad to take from me. Well too bad. You can’t have it because you don’t deserve it!” 

The look in the Assistant Principal’s eyes said it all. He was now the one who looked afraid and if his powers were still active within him, they weren’t working on me one bit. I don’t know whether that was because I had distracted him from what he had been doing to me, or whether me overcoming my own fear had changed something somehow. Either way, Carl Dillard looked like a sad little kid at the moment, like he was about to be pushed down to the ground again by his angry father.

“You may have overcome my abilities this time Andy, but that won’t happen again the next time…” said Carl, as a vortex abruptly appeared next to him, which he slipped through and ultimately disappeared into the night.

I did it! I actually beat him! Man, I wish Chris was here, as I really wanted to savor the moment and celebrate the victory with him. But he wasn’t there and I was becoming more and more concerned with each passing minute.

I decided to sit down on his bed while I pondered what to do next. There were a few comic books nearby that I picked up and leafed through, hoping that at some point, Chris would reappear in that tornado that comes along with travelling to see the Council. But he didn’t and after thirty minutes passed, I decided it was time to head home and hope that I’d see him at the bus stop in the morning.

After teleporting myself back to my room, I sat on my own bed feeling rather excited on the one hand, because I had defeated Carl for the first time. But on the other hand, I was really worried about how long Chris was going to be gone, given the time displacement that happens with visiting the Council.

That worry only grew worse the next morning when Chris didn’t show up at the bus stop or at school. When my home phone rang later that evening after having a very restless day, I had hoped it was Chris saying he was back.

“Andy? It’s Chris’s mother on the line. Can you come downstairs please?” My mother shouted from the kitchen. I had been trying to focus on something else other than my worry about when Chris was going to return by attempting to do my homework, but I wasn’t having much success.

“I’M COMING!” I yelled back as I got up from my desk and headed downstairs.

Andy, have you seen or talked with Chris today? Mrs. Riley says she hasn’t heard from him and he was supposed to check-in around 6pm.”

 I didn’t know whether to lie or to tell the truth. I knew that Chris didn’t like me lying, but shouldn’t I cover for him somehow? What would I say though if I did try to cover for him?

“Andy?”

“Ummm, no I haven’t seen or talked to him today Mom.”

 I actually told the truth. Maybe being a Keeper really was changing me for the better?

 “He wasn’t at school today Andy?” 

“No. But maybe it was because he felt sick and chose to stay home? Maybe he’s just trying to sleep it off? Or maybe their home phone isn’t working for some reason?”

I know that was a lot of maybe’s, but at least it wasn’t me lying since I was only posing some questions. Unfortunately, I knew the real truth though and I was as concerned for Chris as much as his mom was. I shuddered at the sudden thought of all those years that went by with me in that cave for just several hours of time there.

“Linda, I’m sorry, it doesn’t appear that we have any information for you. Would you like us to stop over at your house and knock on the door?”

My mother paused while she listened to Mrs. Riley and then wrote a number down.

“Ok, I will call you back in a short while. I’m sure he’s fine Linda…. Ok … Goodbye.”

“Andy, we’re going to take a quick walk over to Chris’s house to see if he’s there.” 

“That’s fine Mom.”

It wasn’t fine though, because I knew he wasn’t going to be there. After all, I know he would have called me already if he had returned from visiting the Council.

The trip to his house seemed to be as quick as one of my journeys through those vortexes. But I’m sure that’s because my mother had walked there extremely fast. I think she was feeling overly concerned for Mrs. Riley, given what she had gone through with me when I had disappeared for all those years.

Once we reached Chris’s front door, I rang the doorbell a few times and waited.

After what seemed like a very long time, my mother reached for the doorknob and tried to turn it.

“Mom, what are you doing?”

“I’m seeing if it’s unlocked.” She said nervously.

And oddly enough it was. I had wondered if Chris had forgotten to do that before leaving to visit the Council or whether it was Carl Dillard’s doing the previous night. I didn’t have time to think about it though because my mother had just opened the door and was now poking her head in.

“Chris? Are you here? Your mother is a little worried because you haven’t checked in with her yet this evening?”

My mother waited a second and then yelled his name even louder.

“CHRIS? ARE YOU HERE?” 

Nothing. Which of course I knew was going to happen.

“I’m going in and taking a look around.” My mother said adamantly.

“Mom, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

I was trying to stall, knowing she wasn’t going to find much of anything.

“Of course I’m sure Andy! Chris is missing and I know what that feels like, when your child goes missing.” 

Her voice started to waver and for a moment, I thought she was going to cry.

“Mom, it’s ok. Let’s go take a look together.” I said reassuringly.

We spent the next ten minutes wandering throughout the house and as expected, we found nothing other than the heavy mess that was left behind in Chris’s room from the tornado that comes with going to visit the Council of the Zodiac.

“I’m calling Mrs. Riley right now Andy. This isn’t looking good at all.”

She then pulled out the slip of paper with the number Mrs. Riley had given her and picked up a cordless phone sitting on the kitchen counter.

She was right. This wasn’t looking good at all, but not for the reasons she and Mrs. Riley were thinking. But I had one idea that I think could prevent a bad situation from growing any worse and I truly hoped it would work.

“Libra…” I whispered the word, knowing that I could still use my crystal, even with Chris having it in another dimension.

WHOOSH.

My mother’s hand remained paused in mid-dial, phone cradled within it.

If time existed differently in Council’s realm, then pausing time here shouldn’t affect Chris’s return. At least that was my hope. I wondered though, just how long I was going to have to wait with the world being frozen in time to see if my hunch was correct…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson