My best friend visited me from Boston last week and while we did have some pretty good times, the most challenging part in seeing him was having to say goodbye at the end of his trip here. The fact is, I’m not good with goodbyes, especially when it comes to someone I love dearly.
Take for example when my partner and I used to live apart. Each time we visited one another, I would cry for most of my drive or flight home and usually even into the next morning, feeling quite sad since saying goodbye. Ironically, a long time ago I had a great friend who loved me dearly, that did the same thing with me every time I went away on a trip. Regrettably though, I used to make fun of him for that because my heart was so closed off to feeling any love at all, except for the toxic kind that I used to have in all my former love addiction-based relationships.
Much of this pain I feel when I say goodbye to someone after a visit with them stems from the sudden losses of both of my parents in my life. In both cases, it’s like one day I was talking to them, entertaining their visits and the next they were gone for good after saying goodbye. So there’s this part of me that always worries each time I part ways with someone I love after a visit with them, that it may be the last time I ever see them again.
I’m not sure if this trait will ever dissipate and honestly, I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing really either. Because after all, at least my heart is open to feeling this type of love these days, versus in the past when I ultimately didn’t care about saying goodbye to most of the people who I had a visit with. That’s simply because their departure always made it easier for me to quickly return to my life of addictions.
Thus, I’m appreciative to have spent another week with my closest friend in the world. And although his parting was such sweet sorrow, I’m truly grateful to see how open my heart is these days with the tears I shed for most of the morning after his departure. I also must say I’m extremely grateful for that friend I once had who showed me what unconditional love was after each of my departures away from him. Although I was just too afraid and too sick to acknowledge its validity back then, I can at least say I fully understand it now…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson