Month: April 2017

Clinical Depression Versus Spiritual Depression

I wholeheartedly believe that there are two types of depression, clinical and spiritual, yet many doctors and other people of science would probably argue otherwise, saying depression is depression, and merely results from a chemical imbalance in the body. I beg to differ, only because I’ve experienced them both, and they definitely originate from different sources.

Let me start with a look at clinical depression. I’ve been clinically depressed a number of times in my life, where my serotonin levels have been extremely low. Whenever that’s occurred, it tends to feel like I have the flu. I’m achy and lethargic, it’s hard to keep my eyes open, I want to sleep all the time yet I frequently can’t seem to. I’m usually plagued with anxiety, along with a feeling that I’m being buried alive in a casket, where there’s no escape, and where I can’t see the light. I generally have no energy, no desire to do any type of work, to be creative, to be social, or partake in anything that puts me front and center of people. To put it quite simply, when I’m clinically depressed, it really just feels like a chore to even do the smallest of task, like take a shower. And the only solution I’ve ever found when my clinical depression has reached a severe level has been to take some type of anti-depressant medication like Zoloft, Prozac, Effexor, and the like for a period of time until I could work through whatever it was that was creating the chemical imbalance in the first place. In every single case, it was always due to me either engaging in toxic behaviors, i.e. addictions, or holding onto anger, resentments or past traumatic events, refusing to face the fear of working through them. Thankfully I haven’t experienced this type of depression ever since I entered my recovery for sex and love addiction in April of 2012.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same is true with the other form of depression I mentioned, that being spiritual depression, as I’m currently still facing that in life. But before I explain what that is, it’s important to note that when my last bout of clinical depression ended, I began working ferociously to grow closer to God through prayer, meditation, helping others, becoming more selfless, giving back, listening to happy music, doing daily gratitude journals, writing uplifting articles in this blog, remaining positive, staying away from toxic people, reading spiritually moving literature, eating healthy, spending more time in nature, and turning my life back over to Christ, amongst a number of other things as well. Because of all this, I found myself feeling a presence that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, that being of God. I experienced signs on a weekly basis, sometimes even daily, of God’s presence, in dreams, through people, through nature, and a number of other ways too. Many who knew me said I had a glow about me, which I can only attribute to that of God being very active within me. That lasted pretty consistently into the early spring of 2015. But then, that glow began to evaporate and so did the signs of God’s presence, which in turn caused my level of joy to decrease.

I attempted to double, triple, and quadruple my efforts to connect with God hoping this would counteract that. That’s when I started burying myself more in the Bible, reading more daily devotionals, writing more, sponsoring more in recovery, doing more service work, all to no avail. Then my spiritual teacher asked me to work on myself without her help anymore as summer was about to begin in 2016 and it was a huge blow mostly because I had become dependent on her to feel much of the joy that remained. Ever since, while I’ve seen plenty of God’s presence around me and felt joy for others, an emptiness remained within, one that medication didn’t and can’t fix. That’s the spiritual depression I’m speaking of.

I have remained faithful though with all my spiritual routines and continued to do the best I can to remain selfless and unconditionally loving in life, even in that absence of joy. On most days, I feel nothing but despair, and long to feel God’s presence and love within me, not just around me. But this is where it ultimately differs from clinical depression because I still have plenty of energy. I have no trouble doing my daily routines, I don’t feel like I have the flu or constant lethargy. My serotonin levels are just fine. I don’t feel like I’m being buried alive or that the world is closing in on me. I still keep my commitments and often speak in front of others with no problems. And I get out of myself on a daily basis to help others too, yet I feel little to no joy in doing any of it. That’s what spiritual depression is to me and is so very different than a clinical one. I truly wish there was some spiritual medicine I could find to change this, but alas I haven’t found one through my countless efforts. And while many who read this article might do exactly what Job’s friends attempted to do with him in the Bible, telling him it’s his fault as to why he was dealing with his circumstances, I do what he did and plead my case directly to God.

While I have no idea why I’m experiencing this spiritual depression for as long as I have God, I know that human medicine can’t fix it and that You are the only medicine that will. I know it’s not a clinical depression and although people may continue to tell me it is, or that I’m doing something wrong, or that You aren’t ever going to fix me, or that science and medicine is the only answer, or that I simply need to place greater effort out there, I know otherwise. And like Job, I will continue to wait patiently upon You, as best as I can, to provide me Your medicine, as when You do, I know my spiritual depression will finally lift and I will glow once again in all Your glory…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Trainspotting”, A Humorous Look At Heroin Addiction That’s Really Never Humorous

Recently I watched the movie “Trainspotting” (1996) for the first time along with a few friends of mine who’d already seen it. It’s mainly a film about heroin users that on some level seemed to occasionally take a humorous look at an addiction that’s really never humorous.

“Trainspotting” centers around the lives of Renton (Ewan McGregor), Spud (Ewen Bremner), and Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller) and the Edinburgh drug scene they are deeply immersed in. The movie focuses on all the highs and lows that a heroin junkie tends to go through including the crimes it takes to support their habit, the losses that stack up while engaging in their habit, and the hell that one goes through in any attempts to kick their habit.

What I struggled the most with this movie is the way the heroin addiction was portrayed, as many of the sequences that were involved were shot in such a way that it made the viewer laugh at the antics a heroin addict might go through. But in the world I live in, there’s nothing funny at all about heroin addiction. Every year the rate of heroin users continues to increase along with its rate of deaths. 13,000 people actually died in 2015 from this drug and I have personally watched countless lives throughout the rooms of recovery be destroyed by this disease.

Thus, watching Renton in this film fully crawl into a disgustingly dirty toilet that he just defecated into to retrieve two pills didn’t make me laugh one bit. Or watching Spud lose his bowels in a bed he slept in because he was so messed up and then seeing them eventually be sprayed all over everyone the next morning when the family grabbed the sheets out of his hand that he personally wanted to wash, didn’t make me laugh either. There were plenty of other scenes throughout the film as well where I noticed my friends were laughing, but I just couldn’t.

Because in my world where I’ve seen four sponsees, all under the age of 40, die from heroin overdoses, or where I’ve seen my actual friends steal, go to jail, hurt, maim, and attempt to kill all for this drug, made it kind of hard to watch a film that makes more light of an addiction that ultimately is extremely dark.

There was one scene in the movie though that I feel accurately depicted this disease at its worst and it involved a baby that was being brought up in an apartment where all these junkies hung out. It crawled around innocently, playing, and laughing as the mother thrusted one needle after another in her arm day after day. But one day, after an extended period of using, the woman discovers her baby dead in its crib, looking blue, malnourished and very diseased. As she screams and cries, Renton decides he needs to shoot up to deal with it, which she agrees is necessary as well. Soon, she’s high, her screaming is over, and she appears to care less about the loss. I shudder as I still picture these movie scenes in my head, because it’s scenes like them that happen far too often in the real world with heroin users. It reminds me of that family that shot up heroin in their car last summer, both passing out and overdosing while their baby sat in the backseat.

None of this is funny! Heroin addiction is never funny! It’s deadly and it’s taking the lives of many beautiful souls more than any other drug out there right now! People don’t come into the rooms of recovery and laugh about their heroin addiction, most in fact are usually crying because they’ve lost so much. Personally, I’d prefer to watch a film that has a more realistic approach to heroin addiction, that correctly shows the disease at its worst and never with humor. “Requiem For A Dream” was a great example of that.

Nevertheless, while director Danny Boyle does a good job highlighting some of the craziness that a heroin user goes through in his movie “Trainspotting”, I was left rather disappointed because I felt the film could mislead some who see it into believing that heroin is not as deadly as it truly is.

Heroin addiction is nothing to laugh about. It’s a serious problem in our country right now and I actually live in a state that leads the nation currently in overdose deaths. That’s not funny and never will be, so hopefully films that come out in the future about this disease will focus only on the bleak outlook that comes with it. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll also focus on the hope that does exist out there for a heroin user, that being the 12 Step rooms of recovery.

So, overall, while “Trainspotting” was a good cinematic movie in that it was original in its own design, its biggest flaw was in showing humor with an addiction that truly is never humorous at all…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson