“Addictions occur when you seek to fill an emptiness inside you with something outside of you.” (Karen Salmansohn)
Have you ever felt truly empty inside for an extended period of time? If you don’t know what I mean, maybe it’ll make more sense by asking if you’ve ever felt a huge lasting void within you, where life was filled with despair and loneliness, where it seemed next to impossible to feel joy, where it looked as if the world all around you appeared dark more than light, and where you quite possibly wondered if God was even present in your life anymore. If you’ve ever been in this extremely difficult place, then you might already know how alluring it was during that time to seek something outside of yourself to fill that huge pit of emptiness. Sadly, I know that place all too well and far too often sought to fill it with things that eventually turned into addictions.
When my Dad committed suicide for example, looking at pornography, chatting with others sexually on the Internet, and going from doctor to doctor for reassurance about one perceived health issues after another is what I sought to fill the emptiness I felt from his death. The same was true when my Mother died tragically, except then I sought to fill that emptiness with promiscuity, spending loads of money, travelling overseas, and moving from one place to another. Unfortunately, all of those things turned into addictions and only temporarily filled that emptiness within me. It wasn’t until I sat with that emptiness, day in and day out, facing it head on, did it ever heal and leave me.
Lately, I’ve been sitting with a lot of emptiness, except this time I’m not so sure where it’s coming from. The difference though is that I’m not seeking to fill it with anything outside of myself anymore. While the temptation to do so has been there, oh so strongly, I have resisted it thus far and sought my Higher Power, God, even when I’ve felt like He hasn’t been answering. Because the alternative, seeking something outside of myself that will most likely turn into an addiction is only going to derail me from the ultimate purpose I believe I have in life. That being to serve God and become a living testimony to God’s grace and unconditional love. And ultimately, I know I’ll never achieve that so long as I ever seek to fill up this emptiness with anything except that which comes directly from God…
I pray I will always choose to sit through any periods of emptiness I experience in life, no matter how long they last. And I pray to always seek my Higher Power during those times as well, instead of reaching for things outside of myself that only ever turn into addictions and illusions. As I know in doing so, will that emptiness ever be able to become filled with something that’s fully sustainable.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Yes, I have those same experiences and appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your experiences. Sitting in the void is what I call it. For me it is like being in a long hallway with lots of doors and the difference is weather I desperately grab at door knobs or weather I walk mindfully staying at peace until I know which door is mine to open. I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy in my life “trying” door knobs…and the best of times were when I kept my arms at my side and received the grace available in that hallway.
Beautiful response Kelly! Thank you so much for your own depiction of the void and the waiting. 🙂