Would you take the red pill or the blue pill? That’s the question that Neo faced in the 1999 hit film “The Matrix” and something I’ve pondered quite a bit ever since, but in a slightly different way than what those pills represented in the movie.
In “The Matrix”, the red pill represented knowledge, freedom and the truth of reality, while taking the blue pill represented falsehood, security, and the ignorance of illusion. By taking the red pill, one would leave the cushy fake world of the Matrix and experience true reality, while taking the blue pill meant remaining in the Matrix and living out life in an illusory existence. Neo ends up taking the red pill of course and eventually goes on to see all the delusions he lived in for so long.
Now imagine, purely hypothetically, if in real life taking the red pill meant immediately leaving this world and entering whatever is beyond this life, while the blue pill meant remaining here and living out the natural course of our life until our flame extinguished on its own. Which one would you take?
For the majority of my life up until just over five years ago, I know I would have taken the blue pill because I loved the illusion I lived in. Money, sex, power, position, status, each were the things I chased after and each had almost full control over me. But then a change happened in my life, one where I began to see how fake all of that was and how unimportant each really was in the grand scheme of things. And as that change began, a whole lot of physical, mental, and emotional pain emerged in my life and has been with me on some level ever since.
Living in this world now and being able to see through the many illusions of it, yet not feeling much joy because of the serious level of pain I constantly deal with is what leads me to often say that I would instantly take the red pill in a heartbeat.
If you are someone like me, who lives with chronic pain, then you probably understand why I’m saying this because going through life with a pain filter makes it very hard to experience joy in just about everything. And believe me, I do my best to cultivate joy anywhere I can, but with my life always being tainted by this high level of pain, it makes it extremely difficult to ever feel any type of joy whatsoever. Hence the reason why I would like to take one of those red pills, even in this very moment.
When I explained this to my therapist recently, she asked me what I’d do if all my pain went away. I immediately answered with the truth, in that I wouldn’t want to take that red pill anymore. But ironically, I wouldn’t want to take the blue pill either at that point. Instead, I’d just want to exist in the state I was in, not running from the illusions this world creates but not living in them either. Because ultimately, I believe that joy can be felt without having to ever seek some person, place, or thing. Contrary, I believe in any given moment, joy can be felt in the simplest of things like stepping outside into the pouring rain and feeling every droplet splash off one’s body. But unfortunately, it’s quite easy to fall prey to all the illusions of this world that one rarely gets to experience something like that.
I don’t believe there is any person, place, or thing in this world that can ever take my pain away and create the joy I seek. Nor do I believe I’m meant to check out in this world as quick as possible, to escape all my pain, like my father did. As hard as my life feels on most days, deep down on my soul level, I know I don’t want to take any pill or anything really that might alter my present state, as I’m inclined to believe that where I’m at right now, even as I type these very words, is exactly where God wants me to be.
Sometimes that’s a really hard concept to embrace, especially on those days where I literally am either screaming in agony or profusely crying over my level of pain, as it’s on those days that I really just want to take that red pill and end my existence here, hoping my next might be far better.
But alas, I don’t think that’s God’s will for me and so I trudge on, doing my best to make it through day after day, with faith, hope, and a belief that I will one day again feel joy in a way that doesn’t come from any of those illusions this world creates, and instead is able to generate itself from a place that I’m still working on accessing within…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
