Can you imagine having to relive the worst period of your life for eternity? That was the premise of an hour scripted science fiction/fantasy type of series I watched the other day where a person was sent to Hell and forced to experience that very thing over and over again. For me, the single darkest period of my life I’d hope to never relive again was when I received a phone call from my sister back in October of 1996 letting me know that my father had committed suicide.
If you’ve never had to go through something like this with someone close to you, then you probably can’t understand the total shock it does to your system. When I learned a friend’s brother committed suicide recently and witnessed the paralysis it left them in, I could so relate, as I can still vividly recall how I felt after talking to my sister on that dark day over two decades ago now.
Grief from a suicide affects everyone in incredible ways, so much more so than when a loved one passes away for other reasons that aren’t by their own hands. When my father took his own life, I became numb for almost three years of my life and lived in addictive behaviors to deal with it. My sister, on the other hand, kept blaming herself that she could have done more to save him and took even longer to get over that feeling.
There are also those who immediately go into huge fits of anger and rage for extended periods, while others spiral down into deep depressions for extremely long periods of time after learning of a loved one’s suicide. On some level, I experienced both of those as well after my father’s death, which is why I shudder at the thought of ever having to go through another suicide again in this life with someone close to me.
While I’ve often flirted with the thought of taking my own life on many of those high pain-filled days I keep going through, I’m constantly brought back to the memory of how deeply my father’s suicide affected both my sister and I. That is something I never wish to inflict upon anyone and truly, it’s probably the most selfish act one can ever do in life.
Now we are entering that time of the year again, the Holidays, where suicides become far more prevalent. That’s because so many people experience such devastating loneliness during the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years’ time frame. If by some chance you are someone who has been considering doing this, please know there is help out there. And if you are someone who’s recently experienced this with a loved one, know you can and will heal from this in time. And even though neither of you may believe it in this moment with all the dejection you are experiencing, there are people out there who do love you and I’m one of them, even though I may not even know you in person.
I love you because I am you and have been exactly where you are in this very moment. And just to show you how much I mean that, I ask you that you click my contact form to reach out to me and I promise you in doing so that I will immediately respond, even by phone if you leave me a number. Because I do care, and so does God. But more importantly, please remember you really are loved, even if your brain keeps trying to tell you otherwise…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
