Eight and a half years ago now, I was still deeply engaged in an adulterous relationship with a married man and was very spiritually sick, so much so, that my mental and emotional state had become completely unstable. On one particular afternoon, the pain had become so great that I humbled myself enough to finally ask God for help. I prayed to be freed from everything that separated me from Him. I prayed to have ALL my addictions removed and asked that I be brought through the healing as fast as I could handle it, so that I didn’t waste another day of my life living apart from Him. And I meant EVERY word of it, as torrents of tears fell from my face while I said those prayers. What I didn’t know was that two weeks later, a storm would begin in my life, one that I continue to believe is somehow the answer to all those prayers. But sadly, that storm still rages on in my life and has yet to depart.
There are many slogans, passages, and uplifting words out there in the world about the storms that fall upon us in our lives. I’ve been quoted many of them, often from the Bible, and various other religious text, as well as from my 12 Step recovery realms over the years, about how those storms always do pass. During the first few years of this, all of them were actually comforting and kept me going. But, as my health issues began to pile up, one after another, and my life fell apart more and more, my skies remained mostly grey with only a few moments of sunshine suddenly bursting through. Moments that never lasted more than a few hours to a day here and there. Moments that have only added up to about the number of days I can count on two hands.
This storm originally began somewhat small and was quite akin to a few passing rainstorms, one always following another. Eventually, those rainstorms turned into heavy downpours, yet I continued to endure, even when they didn’t let up. But, just when I thought those rains couldn’t get any stronger, they did, and my life now feels like it’s experiencing a Class 5 hurricane. And there I’ve sat in the midst of this crazy storm, as it ravages my life with so much physical pain and mental anguish, leaving me in in a place where I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to not live in a such a storm.
I honestly don’t remember what it’s like to experience blue skies, light breezy winds, and a hopeful horizon. All attempts on my part to clear these dark skies and send all these heavy winds and rains away, have been thwarted by things seemingly beyond my control. People have asked me many times, especially recently, if I regret saying those prayers now. While my ego says yes, my heart and soul continue to say no. Because in all reality, I despised the person I once was, before this storm first began.
Somehow, I’ve continued to find enough faith to keep going though, and to keep believing that this storm will eventually end, even as the skies around me have turned totally black as of late. As I face probably the darkest moments of my life now, the Devil, evil, or whatever dark forces that plague our world, beckon me constantly to take my life, to give up on God, and to pick back up any number of addictions that used to comfort me. I have resisted all those temptations thus far, but honestly, I’m out of energy. Frankly, I’m tired, exhausted really. I have nothing left to give, but my life itself, and yet I still employ that to God. Because science, medicine, natural healers, and all the things this world has to offer for healing, have been unable to clear this storm away, and if anything, have often led to it becoming even stronger.
So, when people ask me now what they can do for me to help, as this storm feels like it’s about to ultimately break me in two, I have only one thing left to say. Pray that I’m given enough strength to get to the other side of this storm. Pray that God will see me through to its very end. And pray that I have enough faith to not give up on God, or myself for that matter. Because I can only imagine how clear the skies will become and how close I’ll feel to my Maker, when this storm finally does end.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
You are at the light at the end of the tunnel,walk towards that light, one may stumble fall or even stop but you my friend are no coward, so if you look back don’t say it’s easier to go back look forward and say look how far I’ve come❣️Going towards that light of self love,we must love ourselves more than we love others, from the moment of conception we are made with love it is up to ones-self to continue that love, that love will never die even when we do, because God is there to continue that ❤️ you are worth it and as life goes we all are ?
Thank Patti for the very encouraging words! And for your love! I am very grateful for it and for you! ❤️?
Andrew, I completely agree with Patti, that we must have self love first. I too, am mentally, physically, & spiritually broken. While i acknowledge it, my brokenness CANNOTand wii not just go away, despite self love. I’ve accepted the broken, fragile me. In. I.O.P., the counselor frequently mentions one particular character “defect” I’ve struggled with my entire life. Self love has allowed me to acknowledge and work on this particular defect. More importantly, self love has given me the strength/assertiveness to tell same counselor. my lack of appreciation it’s brought up in a group so frequently! I am God’s child, and therefore, perfect in HIS/HER eyes! ❤
Tami
Thank you Tammy for responding! I agree that self love is so important. The hardest part of self love at this point is loving all the parts of me that are in so much pain… ❤️?
Andrew, you remind me of some very dark periods I’ve experienced in my 15 year recovery. I look at them as “Dark Night of the Soul” times. Wracked with physical pain, feeling so alone, and not sensing the presence of God anywhere. During those times, I’ve tried to keep things very simple. I get tripped up because I forget that recovery is a long process and I can’t really speed it up thru using my intellect. Reading one more book, writing out one more step, journaling until my fingers are numb is not helpful in those times. Sitting in silence with the words, Be Still and know that I am God, is most helpful to me. It’s in the silence that I seem to be able to reconnect and slow down and feel at peace. I will hold you in prayer. I promise to not throw any slogans at you, you already know them! Just please remember that you can’t rush healing, it takes time and patience. Love and respect to you!
MaryEllen, thank you for your encouraging words and comforting words. I too have been drawn to the “be still” words that you shared, especially as of late. My only hope is that the light will dawn again in my life here soon and that I am still on the path that God wants for me… ❤️?