Eight and a half years ago now, I was still deeply engaged in an adulterous relationship with a married man and was very spiritually sick, so much so, that my mental and emotional state had become completely unstable. On one particular afternoon, the pain had become so great that I humbled myself enough to finally ask God for help. I prayed to be freed from everything that separated me from Him. I prayed to have ALL my addictions removed and asked that I be brought through the healing as fast as I could handle it, so that I didn’t waste another day of my life living apart from Him. And I meant EVERY word of it, as torrents of tears fell from my face while I said those prayers. What I didn’t know was that two weeks later, a storm would begin in my life, one that I continue to believe is somehow the answer to all those prayers. But sadly, that storm still rages on in my life and has yet to depart.
There are many slogans, passages, and uplifting words out there in the world about the storms that fall upon us in our lives. I’ve been quoted many of them, often from the Bible, and various other religious text, as well as from my 12 Step recovery realms over the years, about how those storms always do pass. During the first few years of this, all of them were actually comforting and kept me going. But, as my health issues began to pile up, one after another, and my life fell apart more and more, my skies remained mostly grey with only a few moments of sunshine suddenly bursting through. Moments that never lasted more than a few hours to a day here and there. Moments that have only added up to about the number of days I can count on two hands.
This storm originally began somewhat small and was quite akin to a few passing rainstorms, one always following another. Eventually, those rainstorms turned into heavy downpours, yet I continued to endure, even when they didn’t let up. But, just when I thought those rains couldn’t get any stronger, they did, and my life now feels like it’s experiencing a Class 5 hurricane. And there I’ve sat in the midst of this crazy storm, as it ravages my life with so much physical pain and mental anguish, leaving me in in a place where I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to not live in a such a storm.
I honestly don’t remember what it’s like to experience blue skies, light breezy winds, and a hopeful horizon. All attempts on my part to clear these dark skies and send all these heavy winds and rains away, have been thwarted by things seemingly beyond my control. People have asked me many times, especially recently, if I regret saying those prayers now. While my ego says yes, my heart and soul continue to say no. Because in all reality, I despised the person I once was, before this storm first began.
Somehow, I’ve continued to find enough faith to keep going though, and to keep believing that this storm will eventually end, even as the skies around me have turned totally black as of late. As I face probably the darkest moments of my life now, the Devil, evil, or whatever dark forces that plague our world, beckon me constantly to take my life, to give up on God, and to pick back up any number of addictions that used to comfort me. I have resisted all those temptations thus far, but honestly, I’m out of energy. Frankly, I’m tired, exhausted really. I have nothing left to give, but my life itself, and yet I still employ that to God. Because science, medicine, natural healers, and all the things this world has to offer for healing, have been unable to clear this storm away, and if anything, have often led to it becoming even stronger.
So, when people ask me now what they can do for me to help, as this storm feels like it’s about to ultimately break me in two, I have only one thing left to say. Pray that I’m given enough strength to get to the other side of this storm. Pray that God will see me through to its very end. And pray that I have enough faith to not give up on God, or myself for that matter. Because I can only imagine how clear the skies will become and how close I’ll feel to my Maker, when this storm finally does end.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson