Silly Joke #1
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’ The entire congregation said, ‘Amen!’
Silly Joke #2
A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day. The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?” he asks himself. The next morning, he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees. The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw. The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, “What’s that noise?!”
Silly Joke #3
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk said, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” In light of that, the head monk decided it was best to go down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a loud sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong. “The word was ‘celebrate…CELEBRATE!’,” cried the head monk.
Bonus Silly Joke
A very selfish husband was at home watching a football game when his wife suddenly interrupted him. “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” To which he replied, “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the bar to watch my game in peace!” He then heads to the local bar and drinks for a couple hours, but then starts to feel really guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home and help her out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working too. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed as well. “Honey, how’d all those things you wanted me to do get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried and cried until a nice young man walked by and asked me what was wrong. I told him that you refused to help me and he offered to do all the repairs, and that all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.” He said, “Are you serious! So, what kind of cake did you bake him?” She replied, “Bake a cake? Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
