Silly Joke #1
An angry wife calling her husband on the phone: “Where the hell are you?!”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and now blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”
Silly Joke #2
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”
He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…'”
Silly Joke #3
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be another 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared again. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. A few days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee when the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” That’s when the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He suddenly turned to Joan, “Crap, what am I going to do now, Joan?!” Joan replied, “Well, Joe, you could just leave the car in the darned garage today!!!”
Bonus Silly Joke
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (*sigh*). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again (…???…) On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty that the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.” So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
