Silly Joke #1
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
Silly Joke #2
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on. One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!” After gathering as much information as possible, he approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “The elderly lady over there says you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Is that true?” In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
Silly Joke #3
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinate.” The teacher says, “No Brian, the proper use there is the word, ‘fascinating.’” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinate.” The teacher says, “No Jennifer, the proper use there is the word, fascinated.’” So then Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest’s so big she could only fasten eight!”
Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Little Johnny what is your problem?” Little Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal’s office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher she would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of her questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Little Johnny: “9!”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Little Johnny: “36!”.
And so it went with every question the principal knew a third-grade should know. Little Johnny didn’t get a single one wrong. So, the principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some questions as well before we make the official decision?” The principal agreed.
The teacher then asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Little Johnny, after a moment, “Legs!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal felt a little shocked why she would ask such a question!
Little Johnny replied, “Pockets!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Little Johnny: “Pants!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?
The Principal starts to object to the question, but Johnny quickly answered.
Little Johnny: “Coconut!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
The principal was looking very stunned now.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal’s mouth suddenly drops open.
Little Johnny: “Bubblegum!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
At this point, the Principal was looking noticeably upset.
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do sometimes on three legs?
Little Johnny: “Shake hands!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?” Little Johnny nodded his head.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
The Principal looks visibly shaken now.
Little Johnny: “A Tent!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal closed her eyes and placed her hands over her face.
Little Johnny: “A Wedding Ring!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: “A Nose!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: “An Arrow!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher.
The Principal at this point was really hoping this nightmare of questions would end.
Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and brings about a lot of excitement with all the noise it causes?
Little Johnny: “A Firetruck!”
“CORRECT!” said the teacher. “Great job Johnny! That’s all I have to ask. I guess you really should be in the 3rd grade!”
The principal then breathed a huge sigh of relief that the questions were finally over. She quickly ushered Little Johnny to the outer office and then closed her door. Talking to the teacher, “I think it’s best we put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade actually, as I couldn’t even answer the last ten questions correctly. But, off the record, it’s pretty apparent by the answers I had to all the ones I got wrong that I’m either a sex addict, have a really dirty mind, not being fulfilled enough by my partner, or all of the above!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
