I often wish I had a family. A big biological family with extended family beyond that. That kind of family with plenty of aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and first cousins and such. I have many friends and even a partner who have much of that and while I’m grateful for them and the support and connection they continue to receive from those various family members of theirs, it’s left me feeling very alone in this world. Because beyond my sister and her family, individuals I haven’t had any connection with in the past few months, I have no other family to reach out to.
My father and mother were the only children of their parents and they passed away long ago when I was 25 and 33 respectively. My grandparents did have a few brothers and sisters who had kids but I never got to know any of them deeply when I was growing up and to this day have no real direct connection with any of them. In light of that, my current sponsor and others in the past have frequently told me I need to create my own family and I’ve tried. And tried. And tried. And repeatedly come up short.
Recently I came to realize just how difficult this is for me during an extended car ride home from Cleveland where my friends Mike and Frank were talking about how much love and support they have in this world. After an hour of hearing about their extended families and how many people care about them, I told them to please stop, as it was wrenching my heart incredibly.
Beyond my partner Chris of nine years who I live with and consider family of course and my best friend Cedric who lives in Massachusetts, I can’t say I have anyone else in my life who I’d consider “family”, someone who’d drop everything to come be there for me if I asked. I have a few good friends from former cities I once lived in who I know care about me from a distance, who I talk to from time to time, but that’s different.
A family member to me really is someone who is there for comfort, especially in times of great need, who enjoys seeing you regularly, and surrounds you with love and joy when they do. I don’t have that beyond Chris and Cedric and wish I did. Why this is may indeed be related to having lived in addictions for far too long, diseases that took me away from connecting to others. Or it may be because I’m weird and not most people’s cup of tea when it comes to someone they might grow deeply connected to and consider family one day. While I’ve often prayed that God would bring a new family into my life and have tried so many different avenues to bring that to fruition, that prayer has yet to be answered.
Some days this has led me to honestly wish I had been born straight, as I would have had a big family with many kids if I was, who hopefully would have had many kids themselves. Having grown up feeling alone with only my sister and I, two people who sadly fought like cats and dogs for most of our childhood years, I truly have deep compassion for those who may be reading this and feeling like they can relate.
How many of you wake up each day and wonder if you passed away, who really would show up at your funeral? Or if there would even be a funeral? And how many of you have wondered if anyone would really miss you in the long run once you were gone? I think these things daily and cry out to God in tears on most mornings on my knee’s bedside, begging Him for answers as to why my suffering and aloneness has been so great in this life.
Continuing to bear the brunt of the health issues I do, having such difficulties making deep friendships that could become “family”, having no biological family anymore to connect with, I’ve come to treasure those moments when Cedric and I talk and laugh like no days have passed since we last saw each other. I thank God for those moments and all the ones with Chris as well each time we take small road trips for a day and create new memories with each other. And I even treasure those small gifts in life like my cats jumping on top of me and calling me their family as they purr away and fall asleep on my lap. I am very thankful for those simple moments, especially on those days when I feel so very alone in this world.
That’s why I believe that having family is something to truly be thankful for, which is also why it bothers me when I hear individuals tell me they couldn’t care less about their family and harbor resentments towards them, unwilling to forgive and reconnect. Because family is something I may never have, but if one day I do, if one day I have a handful of people who truly are there for me, who would come from wherever they live if I called upon them and said I really needed them here, I will forever be grateful for it. That I can promise.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
