What do you do when the thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? That indeed is the dilemma I’m presently facing with my partner Chris.
Chris and I have found ourselves struggling plenty of times with each other for the last five years, as five years ago, when he went away on a men’s retreat that I hoped would draw us closer, it did the opposite by pushing us farther apart. There, on his retreat, he re-opened a doorway into a tragic event from his past in the hopes to heal from it once and for all. While it accomplished that, it also shifted something else within him, so much so, that it erected a huge wall up within himself, notably on the emotional level. While I know most relationships go through their ups and downs, our relationship has had quite a few downs ever since that retreat. My long-standing health issues haven’t helped the matter either, as they’ve tended to only exacerbate the presence of that wall within him.
Where this shows up the most in our relationship is any time I find myself longing to be held or reassured, especially on those days when my pain becomes so great. This type of emotional support is something he once gave me freely and with plenty of regularity, because he wanted to and not out of codependence. It’s honestly what led me to want to be with him, as I never got that type of support in any of my prior relationships.
While I do my best these days to offer this to myself, that really only goes so far, and while my partner does provide for me in a number of other very important ways, including the staples of food, water, and shelter, he struggles immensely offering me the emotional support I desperately need right now in life.
Unfortunately, his patience has worn very thin over the years, specifically since this retreat, which becomes overly evident any time I’ve sought this type of support from him. Because of this, I’ve frequently sought it elsewhere, and occasionally found it with those I’m attracted to, which only leads the addict in me down a slippery slope. Ultimately, I want this from Chris and truly just miss the person he once was during our first four years together. While the mental blockage within him may hinder his ability to see that my need to be regularly held, touched, and verbally loved is a normal thing in a relationship, he does at least acknowledge the existence of the blockage.
I have prayed on this repeatedly over the years, asking God for guidance on what I’m meant to do. My old addict self would have left this relationship long ago, believing there was someone else better out there to offer the emotional support I need. Yet, I’ve seen the results of acting upon that ego-based urge so many times before, where I quickly learned time and time again that the grass wasn’t always greener somewhere else. The simple reality is that someone else indeed may be able to offer me the emotional support I need, but grossly lack in another area that Chris has bountifully been already giving me.
So, what do you do when the very thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? I have no idea. What I do know though is that I love Chris and I know he loves me, and I will continue to pray that love is enough to get us to the other side of this…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
