A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there was a brother and a sister who were innocent, pure, and worthy of praise, affection, and unconditional love and their names were Andrew and Laura. It didn’t take long for them in life though to see what they’d experience the most were actually drama, chaos, negativity, and unwarranted discipline, all because of a few things their parents Lew and Pam struggled with immensely, that being alcoholism, PTSD, and manic-depression. In this story, one where Andrew and Laura rarely felt embraced, accepted, or good enough, the two truly needed to turn to each other for the support they didn’t get from their parents. Sadly, instead, the dynamics of their household pitted them against each other more than not, and the two quickly grew apart, learning to fend for themselves alone in a world where they felt like they never mattered.
This is a true story and one whose aftereffects continues to play itself out between my sister and I, someone I love dearly, but have very little association with at the moment. I often believe this is much in part due to how I treated her as a kid, as I viciously fought with her most of my younger years and hated spending time with her on most days. On the contrary, I know of many who bonded with their siblings growing up and consider them amongst their best of friends to this day, devoting time with them over the phone or in person regularly, which is what my heart truly desires with my sister now. While there are presently some unfortunate dynamics with my sister’s husband that most definitely affects the potential of this from ever happening, I also tend to believe things would be quite different even in the midst of those dynamics if I had been there for my sister when we were growing up and became the best friend she needed. It’s sad to say, but I was anything but that growing up to her. I was so incredibly mean to her then and have far too many memories of me lashing out at her for no reason. Looking back, I believe I took out on her what was unfolding before my eyes with our parents and their incredible dysfunctionality.
Nevertheless, I honestly long to have memories of my sister and I growing up with laughter, connection, and a close friendship in general. But, the truth is, we rarely experienced that nor spent any healthy time together enjoying each other’s company. Rather, each time my mother was mean to my sister, or my father leaned too heavily upon her due to his mental illness, I wasn’t there for her, leaving her to feel utterly alone. The fact is, feeling alone is something we both have felt quite a bit since our childhood, yet when we could have turned to each other to help with that, we didn’t. It’s much in part why we became codependent in our lives with each of the relationships we eventually found ourselves in, learning to depend far too heavily upon them for our survival and needs that we never got growing up. How much of that would be different today, if the two of us had bonded more growing up, being there for each other, I don’t know? But, add in the notion that I spent so many years in addiction after our childhood, it only further aggravates the estrangement my sister has always felt from me.
This is why I’m not sure if my sister will ever fully trust me in this life to be there for her because of how much I was never there for her when it ultimately mattered. It’s one of the biggest reasons why I find myself often wishing I could go back in time and become my sister’s best friend early on, as maybe we’d be that right now. I know I’ve done what I can to rectify my past, but sometimes the damage done is just too great. Truly the matter is in God’s hands now, as only he can do the work necessary in my sister’s heart and soul, and with us in general, to ever bring about a close friendship between us again.
Regardless, I love my sister dearly and pray that one day I’ll be one of her best friends in this world, one whom she can trust and rely upon when life rears its ugly head, and one where she’ll never have to feel completely alone ever again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
