I know this is a subject I’ve spoken to before, but I think it’s one worth repeating from time to time in my writing, especially as of late where I’ve really found myself questioning if God is even real. The fact is, my health issues and ailments are really getting the best of me lately and when they have, I have found asking God via prayer for proof of His existence, most of which have gone unanswered. You know why I think that is? Because no matter how many proofs we may get, I think we will always keep questioning God’s existence each time the going gets rough, leaving us in a perpetual cycle of weak faith. I had a strong reminder of this recently in fact.
On one specific day when no rain was predicted in the local forecast and skies were clear, I knew I needed to water the yard, I just didn’t feel like doing it because of how crappy I had been feeling. So, I asked God to show He was still there for me by making it rain that night, and just after midnight, it did, for 15 minutes, in a downpour, fully removing my need to water the yard. Yet, it wasn’t long after that, maybe a few days later at best, when my pain got the best of me again. Once again, I found myself questioning whether God was real and asking for another sign to prove He was. This time it dealt with the winds outside. I asked God to calm the winds because they had been driving down droves of leaves into my yard for days like it was fall and I was getting so sick of cleaning them all up. According to all the weather forecasts, they weren’t supposed to calm down for another day, but ironically, they disappeared within 30 minutes after saying that prayer and never returned. You’d think this would increase my faith, but it did the opposite, making me become more dependent, almost like an addiction, on proof of God’s existence, versus just blindly trusting He’s there and still has a beautiful plan for me.
The reality is, I don’t think any number of signs of God’s presence will ever make me fully believe in Him, as my ego always seems to find a reason to prove otherwise. The fact is, God either is or He isn’t and coming to that place where one truly believes He is, will never come from receiving one sign after another of God’s existence, it will come though from having true faith within. Faith that develops from just blindly trusting, even when the mind can’t seem to find a reason too.
There is simply no way I would ever have made it thus far in life if God had answered me every time I asked Him for proof of Him. To stand in this storm I have been with my health, for as many years as I have, to have endured the level of pain I have with no relief in sight, has required incredibly strong faith, one that most assuredly has been tested repeatedly. This faith hasn’t come from signs at all, rather it’s come from walking through a constant darkness, hands outstretched, trusting that God is somewhere in front of me, beckoning me to keep moving forward, all while believing that when I finally make it to the other side of this, that I’ll have a far deeper unshakable faith, one that will need far less signs of His proof and instead whose life itself will become proof of God’s existence.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson