Month: August 2022

I’m Finding It Hard To Smile Anymore…

People often tell me to smile, sometimes in response to the photos I post on Facebook, where my face is doing anything but smiling. But life isn’t always full of smiles and today’s entry is about why I’m finding it hard to smile anymore.

At my deepest core, I’m not in a good place and haven’t been for a long while. My faith in God has waned so much now that I often find myself struggling to keep believing. I still try my best though to do so and often put a false smile on my face “faking it till I make it”, something I learned through my 12 Step recovery long ago to do when life hits you hard. But life has been hitting me hard for many years now, with countless days in a row battling constantly changing chronic pain and varying health issues that remain unexplained, no matter how much effort I put into either trying to change my circumstances or accept them.

There are some who think I choose to live in misery and are even right now probably judging me because of these very words I write. Some have gone so far as to say that all my pain and suffering is because I’m living in sin with being in a same sex relationship. Some say it’s my thorn or cross to bear in God’s glory. And some say I simply haven’t tried hard enough, done enough, or put myself out there enough for it to ever get better. Everyone seems to have an opinion about my long pain and suffering, all of which makes it even harder to smile.

I feel very lonely now on most days, even in crowded places, even in groups of people I know, and even in meetings I regularly attend. I cry on most mornings when I awake and no, they aren’t tears from serotonin imbalances or clinical depressions, they are tears from living in the chronic pain and suffering I have, for as long as I have, and for the incessant loneliness that comes along with it. Loneliness that gets even stronger each time people tell me to just suck it up, to just get over it, or remind me of all the people in the world who are suffering far worse than I am. Look, it’s hard to smile anymore when what I hear on most days are judgements of why people think I’m suffering as much as I am, instead of receiving the thing I need the most to smile, that being acts of compassion, understanding, or loving human touch.

Seeing so many wonderful souls die abruptly in recent years due to COVID, overdoses, and plenty of other diseases and tragedies, I often find myself questioning why the Universe has kept me alive and took them away. I frequently find myself wishing I could have changed places with them as they smiled far more in their lives than I have for years and from what I saw in their lives made far more of a positive impact on this planet than I ever have. So yes, I’m finding it hard to smile anymore.

Until you deal with health issues that bring you chronic pain every, single, day, for years and years and years, having done the very best you can to seek out answers and getting none, all while exhausting yourself in the process, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and avoiding ALL mind-altering substances and medications along the way due to former addictive behaviors, feeling every bit of the pain without anything to numb yourself from it, you will never, ever, understand why it becomes so hard to smile.

So, the next time you see someone not smiling and feel that urge to tell them they should do so, will you please try offering them an act of compassion, understanding, or loving human touch instead? Because maybe, just maybe in doing so, that smile you wish to see may very well emerge on their face in the process, arising solely from their heart and soul as it receives your token of unconditional love, something that no amount of advice, suggestions, opinions, or simply telling someone to smile, can or ever will bring forth genuinely…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Today’s quotes are dedicated to all those out there that I expressed gratitude for in yesterday’s Grateful Heart Monday, who always look for the positive and good in others, rather than focusing in on the negative and bad…

“When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.” (Unknown)

“We experience God to the extend to which we love, forgive, and focus on the good in others and ourselves.” (Marianne Williamson)

“People say, find good people and leave the bad ones. But I say, find the good in people and ignore the bad in them. Because no one is perfect. (Unknown)

“If you let your friends, colleagues, and family know about the good that you see in them, it will help them to eventually see it for themselves too…” (Andrew Arthur Dawson)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another entry for my Grateful Heart Monday series on my blog, TheTwelfthStep, where gratitude remains the sole focus of my writing at the start of every week, which for today is for all those who carry the trait of believing everyone is filled with good and focus first on the positive traits they see in others, rather than the negative.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative traits we see in others, and when that is done repeatedly, it becomes harder and harder to ever see any positive or any good in an individual. I inherently believe that everyone is filled with positive and good traits and that somewhere along the line the downsides of life begin to cause us to fall away from emanating that. But, even when this happens, I tend to feel that there is always positive and good in even the angriest and most resentful of souls and I most certainly work hard to find that, praising people for even the smallest of positive qualities, rather than choosing to point out any glaring negative traits.

There are many out there who continue to point out my negative traits, refusing to see that there is any good in me. While I do have number of negative traits I’m still working on healing, there is plenty of good in me today, far more than when I was an active addict. But there are those who believe I’ll never be a good person and will always be that addict they once knew and continue to point out every time I make a mistake, rather than focus on any of my positive actions and good qualities within me. While I inherently know those who do this are blinded by their own negative energies they haven’t released within and choose to see those negative traits within me instead, I’m thankful for those who do the exact opposite and remind me of the good they see in me, especially on those days when I’m really down.

I am thankful as well for those who do this regularly with others, who go through their days complimenting people, praising individuals, lifting them up, even those who might be considered by the masses to be people to avoid due to their negative energy. One thing I’ve always loved about Christ’s story was how he helped those that no one else wanted to and that no one else believed was worth saving. If it wasn’t for a few individuals in this world who always saw the good in me and focused on my positive traits, I probably would still be deep into addict behavior. It’s why I now return the favor, always on the lookout for the positive and good in even the most difficult of people I come across, even those who often yell first and express judgment and anger more than not. Because even they have plenty of positive and good in them, it’s just buried, yet my quest is to find it and shed more light onto it, just like others have done with me over the years.

Always looking for the positive and good in each other, I believe this is a strong spiritual trait to have, and one I feel represents a true Christ love and the message Christ did his best to portray throughout his life. It’s a trait I seek to exude myself every day, and while I often find myself coming up short in that task, as I’m sure many of us do, I’m thankful and dedicate today’s Grateful Heart Monday for all of us who keep trying, who keep doing our best to focus on the good in others and not the bad, and on the positive rather than the negative. We all have positive and good in us, we just need to take a moment to find it, as it’s always there…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson