Silly Joke #1
A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, “Welcome. Come walk with me and I’ll show you where you’ll be living in your afterlife.”As they’re walking along the path there he notices clocks on a golden fence. He asks St. Peter, “What are all those clocks for?” St. Peter replies, “They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie.” The man looked at them further and noticed each had a name on it with their profession below it. As they continued along, the man noticed something interesting, so he asked out of curiosity, “I haven’t seen any clocks of a politician or lawyer yet? Where are they? St. Peter calmly replies, “Oh, them…a ton of us have been using them as fans!”
Silly Joke #2
John and Martha Stewart lived in a rustic cabin without any electricity deep in the mountains. Thankfully they had a phone line, as late one night his wife who had been pregnant for almost the nine full months suddenly went into labor. A local doctor from around their hills was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a tiny baby boy was brought into the world and John went to put the lantern down. “Whoa there, John!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put that down too soon, as I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. John went to put the lantern down again when the doctor blurted out, “Whoa! Not yet Johnny boy, it seems like there’s still yet one more to arrive!” John scratched his head in bewilderment, and nervously asked the doctor, “Hey Doc, ya think maybe this lantern light ya gave me is what’s attracting them?”
Silly Joke #3
Three doctors died together in a plane crash are now waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, “What have you done to enter Heaven?” “I was a pediatrician who brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.” “Good enough to enter the gates,” replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. “I was a general practitioner who went to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.” St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor already knowing the question, blurts out, “I was a very powerful director of an HMO who reviewed many medical files of countless patients.” St. Peter calmly responds, “You may enter Heaven…but your coverage only allows for 2 days here.”
Bonus Silly Joke
A man who always obsessively read the manual for everything he bought from a store was also a hypochondriac and germaphobe. One afternoon, he felt like he was running a temperature so he decided to go purchase a rectal thermometer knowing that was the best way to get an accurate reading. He stopped at his local pharmacy and purchased one from Johnson & Johnson. After arriving home and opening the package, he removed the thermometer and its small manual. Once he safely inserted the thermometer into his rectum, the man began reading the manual where its first line caused him to recoil in horror and quickly pull the thermometer out of his ass as it said, “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested…”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
