I find it ironic how much life sure has become a dichotomy. As a teenager and eventually a young adult, I never wanted to sleep long hours, was active in so many things I barely ever had any free time, enjoyed big group get-togethers, struggled to settle down with one person in a relationship for very long, had to always buy a ton of in-things, chased whatever would bring me large paychecks, and loved living in or around some large city that seemed to consistently support all of that. But now as a middle-aged man, none of that is true for me anymore.
As a middle-aged man, I like to sleep in late and like taking naps when I can. My activities are kept more limited, as my downtime has become more precious. I feel like a fish out of water at big group get-togethers and would rather hang out with one or two people at the most. I hardly buy any of those in-things anymore because I don’t feel I need them nor the stress they seem to create having them. Usually, I just let things age until they stop working. I’m finally having to face that with my iPhone 6s Plus that I purchased back in 2015. I also don’t desire to have a job anymore that pays me incredible sums of money and am more inclined to do work that just feels satisfying even if it pays me nothing like my current path with all the volunteer work I do. And where I once loved city and surrounding suburban dwelling, lately I long for the peace of rural living where I won’t have to see or hear neighbors within a few feet from my home.
With all these personality changes, I’ve been wondering lately if this huge contrast of who I once was from my younger years is just a factor of getting older. I’d argue it’s not necessarily that because I know many who are still living as much like their younger selves, except now having just more responsibilities in life. So if that’s not it, why have I become such a stark contrast from who I once was?
There is only one thing that’s different in my life today and in the past decade or so that wasn’t present in my old personality, and that was seeking a Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. Up until I was in my mid to late 30’s, the concept of God was just something that I sought when life got out of control. But as soon as I regained control, I didn’t ever seek God. Now, I seek God all the time because my 12 Step recovery showed me a healthier way of living by seeking something Greater than myself to guide my life. When I was guiding my life more than not, I sought a lot of things that I don’t believe were ever authentic to my heart and soul. They were only authentic to what my ego thought it needed for survival and happy living.
Nevertheless, the more I seek out God in my life these days, the more I find myself not relating much to a vast number of people on this planet where the focus seems to be greater with pleasing oneself than others. I truly believe human nature is inherently selfish and I was so incredibly selfish in life until I began seeking something Greater to guide my life. Now that I try to do that on a daily basis, something I give credit to my 12 Step recovery program, I feel what I seek in life is far different than what most others are seeking. I face a lot of adversity now more than ever because of it, especially whenever I do actions out of selflessness, much of which are often met with suspicion, judgments, and attacks upon my character.
I see my future evolving now into something so drastically different from what my youthful self once envisioned because of my relationship with a Higher Power. A future self that most likely will involve only a few spiritual friends and a hopefully a continued monogamous relationship, weekends spent more home than out, travel to places that are quieter rather than bustling with nightlife and activity, employment that isn’t about its pay and more about its fulfillment for God, and living in the country where I don’t find myself stressing out over neighbors living essentially on top of me.
Life sure has become a dichotomy from the person I once was…but I’m becoming ok with that. Because I’d rather have a life with a Higher Power at the helm, where life finally seems to be heading somewhere, as when I was at the helm, like always felt like it was going nowhere, except down…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
