In one of my recent alcohol and drug addiction presentations at the University of Toledo with a large group of fourth year nursing students, I was asked a very interesting question during the Q&A period after the main part of my speaking was complete. A student wondered if I had ever entertained the notion of sitting down with the middle-aged man who once molested me as a child to tell him that I’d forgiven him. In all the thousands of presentations I’ve done thus far, I’ve never been asked this, yet my answer to this student was swift and didn’t take much thought because I absolutely have pondered it and would meet with him if I could.
The man who molested me was arrested years ago on distribution of kiddie porn. I only know this because I looked him up one day a few years ago wondering what happened to him and thinking that very thought the student inquired of me. When I saw he was now locked up and probably would be for the rest of what years he had left, I couldn’t find any further trace of where he was incarcerated, as a pedophile’s location once they are imprisoned often isn’t public record.
Nevertheless, forgiveness is an interesting thing because when many people often say they’ve forgiven someone or something, if you really get them talking about it, quite often they’ll start getting angry about it and having that anger is probably the strongest indicator possible that says they haven’t actually fully forgiven yet.
When I speak about the man who molested me these days, a man who I can say his name now, Tom Albright, without flinching, without anger, and without any emotion other than sadness, says a lot. Sadness only in that I have compassion now for a person who remained spiritually sick their entire life and most likely will die in prison now because of it. I can’t say that sadness is how I’ve always felt surrounding this though.
For more than two decades, and maybe even close to three, I lived in so much anger about Tom Albright that I wished he would die, and painfully at that. Having had my sexuality taken from me just as I began puberty does a number on one’s mind and heart. I spent the first decade after getting molested thinking that the way this man acted upon me was the way love was supposed to be in life. I had no role models in my life when it came to what love was supposed to look like. After all this man spent six months showing me a lot of loving attention, always saying such kind words, getting me to the point of feeling safe enough with him so I could trust him. That trust that I built in him is what led to me being violated and to an incredible number of years remaining angry. But remaining angry isn’t healthy when it goes nowhere.
Being angry all the time is like swallowing a toxic chemical such as bleach and letting it sit within your stomach churning and burning away from the inside while hoping it somehow will inflict that pain upon another, except it doesn’t and only hurts the person living in anger, and severely at that. In addition, holding onto anger like this also adds layers and layers of cold walls around one’s heart, causing them to remain more closed than open to any form of giving or receiving love as they go through life. I lived this way for far too long and doing so led to living in one addiction after another to cope.
The only, and I mean ONLY, way to truly get over someone that hurts us, is to FULLY forgive them, and that process often isn’t easy whatsoever. In my case with Tom Albright, it meant going away on a spiritual retreat for a few days with a bunch of men from an organization I’ve been a member of for several decades now. There, on the retreat, I chose a man to play the role of Tom. He was given the words to say that Tom once said to me. A gauntlet of men was then placed in front of me that I had to break through with only my body, as this man kept saying Tom’s words, words that were once said to me while he molested me. When I reached the man playing him after breaking through that gauntlet, all that repressed anger and rage was at the surface. As I was safely held back from physically harming the man acting as Tom, I screamed out all my pain, all my anger, all my rage, and all my anguish, until it finally left me with a very hoarse voice that was able to say the words for the first time, “I forgive you…”, looking directly into this man’s eyes. All that remained afterwards were tears, tears of joy for finally being free of that dark energy and hold that Tom Albright had held over me for most of my life.
So yes, I would meet with Tom Albright today if I could. While I honestly don’t know whether this man is alive anymore or not, as most likely he’d be well in his 80’s by now, whether he is or isn’t, this is what I would say to him if I did meet with him.
Tom, the pain your actions caused me as a child had immeasurable damage upon my heart and soul, damage that took many years away from me connecting healthily with others and many years as well to repair. I want you to know though that I am fully healed now of this and found forgiveness for what you did to me when I was only a kid. I truly have forgiven you Tom Albright and want you to know that I love you because deep down below the sickness you remained in your entire life, is still a soul from God, one that I know started out pure, and one that I believe will be made pure again one day by God Himself…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
