It’s New Year’s Eve and 2022 will soon become nothing more than a memory. Of all the years in my life, 2022 has by far been the hardest upon my heart. I’ve experienced such a massive onslaught to it since it began that it’s never gotten a chance to recover. So, as 2023 begins, I have only one hope for it, but before I say what that is, I want to share all that my heart actually went through this year.
2022 began with several individuals whom I felt were good friends, walking out of my life without ever explaining why or ever even giving me a chance to talk through whatever their reasons were. Each would ghost me, one building upon the next, until my life became a blur from what seemed like a mass exodus happening. While you can say it’s their loss, or share some bible phrases or other sayings people often used during times of great loss, or even offer that universal quote, “when one door closes, another opens”, I’ve found that none of that really helps heal a broken heart when too many doors close all at once.
With each of those doors closing in heartache, by the time my birthday arrived in June, I began enduring hurtful words from a partner I still loved immensely. When you hear things like, “I hate you” or “I can’t wait till you go on your vacation, so I have some peace and quiet around here…”, even if they get said in the heat of the moment, it still felt like a sledgehammer bashing my heart each time. Eventually, my heart couldn’t take it anymore and I gave up. It was then I realized I had been the only one carrying the torch when he’d admit he hadn’t been in love for some time, the heartache of which became unfathomable for me.
Then the came the hard realization that I had nowhere to go due to my financial situation and health issues, both established long before I ever moved to Toledo, and something that didn’t matter back then to either of us because of being in love. While thankfully I was still promised I had a home to stay in until another path opens up for me, having to continue to watch the cats who share the home still get all the coo’s and cuddle’s I once got, I’d silently cry within each time.
When I tried to seek solace from all this with my best friend, it only brought about greater heartache as he suggested that maybe the demise of my relationship and all those that ended in my life prior were only because I’ve been sinning against God for a long time by being in gay partnerships. To hear this from my best friend who helped me out of the closet ages ago, who helped me find God and reminded me again and again that God loves me no matter what, who helped me find true recovery from addiction, and who taught me all about how to love everyone unconditionally, hit my heart so hard I thought it was going to explode from the pain. I’ve never felt that God disapproved of any of my relationships, because I’ve always loved so fully from every bit of my heart, which is precisely what God is, unconditional love. So, when you’re seeking your best friend’s shoulder to cry on over so much heartbreak but instead given religious creed that feels shame-filled and guilt-ridden, it was like putting a set of nails into my heart no different than Jesus getting nailed to a cross.
In the midst of all this, I’d also learn of my sister’s marriage crumbling after 22 years, and as it did, she’d grow distant, our calls became less, and our connection waned. While I understood she was hurting too, I still desperately needed someone to talk to about all I was going through. Unfortunately, she didn’t have that energy to give, which led to her cancelling her holiday trip to see me. That in turn caused even further heartbreak, and even more so when I learned I couldn’t visit her over the holidays either, all because of someone in her life who’s never learned to love me even when I’ve desperately tried to offer them unconditional love time and time again.
And just when I thought my heart couldn’t take any more in 2022, the one diamond in all the rough from this year, the one true gem that glowed so brightly above them all, and someone who seemed to truly understand me in every one of our calls that would last for hours on end but felt as if only mere seconds passed by, who somehow also found a way to help my heart repair a little more each time we connected, suddenly exited my life as well, with nothing more than a text that made no sense compared to the depth of the connection we had built, and someone I continue to miss every, single, day, as if a part of me is missing now.
So, while I wish I had a hopeful message to offer of what I learned this past calendar year like I have done in years’ past, what I do have to offer is my truth as to why I hurt as bad as I do in my heart right now. In light of that, as 2023 begins, I place my one and only hope out there for God, the Universe, Source, or Whatever you may choose to call it. Please return to me the one person who will unconditionally love me and never let go, to embrace my fragile heart and spend the rest of this lifetime with, always putting unconditional love first before anything else, as I do the same with them. Truly, it’s my heart’s only remaining desire…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Dear Andrew,
I’ve been reading your recent posts and my heart is breaking for you. Your pain is right there for all to see and as a “fixer” I long to help make everything better for you. Sadly, I know that I can’t. Only you can fix your own heart, as we all have to do for ourselves.
Others will probably give you lots of advice and platitudes about windows opening, growing stronger, God’s plan, etc. I’ll leave that to them, but I do want to give you a thought if I may. But first, a little background:
Both my parents came from large and close families, so I had lots of aunts and uncles in my life growing up. On my father’s side, one of his brothers was single. On my mother’s side, two of her sisters were single. All three were happy and well-adjusted, with thriving careers and social lives, and weren’t obviously out looking for love. As they interacted with the rest of the family, they truly appeared content with the lives they had built for themselves. This was a formative example to me growing up, showing me that I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
As an adult, I have been lucky enough to have a few wonderful relationships (including my current husband). I’ve also had long periods of being single. I think the key to my healthy relationships, in fact, is that I’m just as content to be single as in a relationship. While I love being in love, and being loved by someone else, I love myself enough to be just fine alone, too. In fact, I think it’s the fact that I do love myself and am content in my skin that allows me to share love with others, especially a significant other.
So, at the risk of being a pushy or preachy friend, I want to encourage you to rethink your new year’s prayer. Instead of asking God for someone to love and to love you, ask God for the strength to stand alone and to be content, to love yourself. It is that strength, confidence, and self love that may eventually be attractive to another person and bring a new relationship into your life, but if it doesn’t then you will still be living a wonderful life filled with the joy and contentment of your own making.
I wish all the best for you, Andrew, and share these thoughts because I care.
With love for you and prayers for a joyous new year,
Ren
Ren, thank you for your comments. And yes I agree it’s important to stand on our own and love ourselves. As to the latter, I absolutely love myself unconditionally. I have chosen sadly to be in relationships my whole life who helped me realize the love I deserved that I wasn’t getting. Sadly, based upon my health circumstances and my financial situation I am dependent presently on staying with my now ex partner and that has been very painful to deal with. But am I ready for next chapter with someone who will love me unconditionally as I love myself? Yes absolutely, which means loving me in my current limitations until they change… ❤️🙏