Today’s Grateful Heart Monday entry on TheTwelfthStep is dedicated to a piece of gratitude I’m presently experiencing in life and that’s for still having enough hope and faith in God that the present story I’m living out isn’t where my life ends.
The last time I experienced the end of a long-term relationship, it was with my ex-partner Jerry. When it ended, I lost so much hope and faith in God that I opted to write my own story for a few years that was filled with nothing but countless sexual and love addicted experiences and a suicide attempt to end it all. It was a very dark time and one I don’t wish to repeat ever again. It came after seven years of being with Jerry, the first four of which I thought were the beginning of the rest of my life with someone I deeply loved.
I attach very strongly to someone I fall in love with, and tend to give my heart fully to that person, and believe that is the way it’s supposed to be a in every life-long relationship between two people who are in love with each other. And walking away from someone when your heart has become that intertwined with another is extremely painful. Every time it’s happened to me in my life, I’ve sought out very low vibrational patterns to cope. In other words, each time my heart has been broken, I’ve sought something to numb it and avoid feeling the pain of it all. But this time I’m not because I’m choosing something Higher, something Greater, to guide me through it. While I may not see any clearing on the horizon whatsoever presently, and indeed see more darkness than anything it seems at times, I have enough hope and faith in a brighter day that’s coming and that alone keeps me going.
Ironically, there have been plenty who have tempted me lately to resort to old addictive patterns. I don’t want massages or dates or sexual hook-ups nor do I want to talk about sex or anything of the sort. It only turns me off even worse to anyone who brings this subject material up, because that’s not what I need most in life right now. What I need most is to strengthen my hope and faith in God and for unconditional love to come my way to help my heart heal.
The fact is, I don’t want to live in any lower vibrational patterns anymore in life. I don’t want sex talk, or hook-ups, or to do anything that will only make me feel worse in the long run. Instead, I am choosing to live by my hope and faith that this pain will go away the more I feel it and deal with it, because eventually I know I’ll heal from it.
So, what is my next chapter in life? I don’t know. Honestly, I feel trapped on so many levels. But what I do know is that I love God enough to believe in a beautiful story that’s still being written, one that’s manifesting for me and within me. And knowing that and believing that provides me enough hope and faith to keep going, one day at a time, until the joy of it all is finally revealed.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
