Author: Andrew Arthur Dawson

A teacher of meditation, a motivational speaker, a reader of numerology, and a writer by trade, Andrew Arthur Dawson is a spiritual man devoted to serving his Higher Power and bringing a lot more light and love into this world. This blog, www.thetwelfthstep.com is just one of those ways...

Fully Letting Go Of Codependent Behaviors

All the way back at the very beginning when I first starting writing this blog, I made mention to a person that had once been a very big part of my life. He was someone that I had formed a codependent bond with for many years where I consistently found it too difficult to break from. That all changed though almost two years ago when I began separating myself from every unhealthy attachment I had in my life, most of which were codependent based. Unfortunately, my sister informed me of some information yesterday indicating that both she and this former friend might still be struggling with fully letting go of their codependent behaviors.

For those who don’t know what being codependent means, it’s defined in Wikipedia as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. It also can refer to the over dependence on the needs of, or control of, another and can involve placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of someone else. Sometimes, as in the case of what my sister informed me, it even deals with the inability that people have at times to let unhealthy connections permanently go.

I know that pattern very well as I kept this person in my life for four years, three of which would have never occurred if I had been working through my codependent behaviors. I’m grateful to say though that I’ve been able to maintain my distance from him for the past twenty-three months. It’s a good thing too because I know there’s a good chance I would have fallen back into those behaviors again if I hadn’t. Codependency is a lot like an addiction in that I don’t believe it ever goes away completely. It’s more like it goes into a state of remission once its behaviors are curbed but it could resurface at any time given the right conditions. This is something that I cannot afford to have happen in my life again with God at my helm these days. I just wish that would be the same case for this former friend and my sister.

What transpired earlier this week with them was that my sister received a large Harry and David Christmas basket from this former friend at her new address in Tennessee. The initial irony I found in this was that my sister could not remember ever giving my former friend her address once she moved. She too was trying to let the connection go knowing it was unhealthy for her on some level as well. It’s not really that important anymore to talk about what transpired all those years ago that made my connection with this former friend so unhealthy for everyone. But to put it simply, the drama we created in our connection with each other affected everyone gravely including my family, his family, and all of our friends. My personal connection with this man ended for good because of that in January of 2012. At the time, I also chose to end any communication with his friends and family because I knew I had to if I was going to start letting go of my own codependent behaviors. Unfortunately, he didn’t do the same.

When the first holiday season rolled around, he gave my sister’s family $250 in American Express gift cards. That was when it started to become evident to my sister that he wasn’t letting me go. When they moved out of the area a few months after that, she began to distance herself from him and rarely did anything but say hello when he tried to contact her. I was convinced that this would finally help him get the point and start letting me go on all levels. That was until my sister told me about this large Christmas gift basket she received from him the other day.

While it’s obvious to me that this former friend is still struggling on some level to let me go, I was also saddened to hear that my sister fell back into some of her own codependent behaviors because of his gift. Prior to receiving it, she had no intention of giving him anything this holiday season. But because of her own guilt and worry, she bought something in return and sent it to him. Not only did that action reinforce her own codependent behaviors, it’s did for him as well. It gave hope to my former friend that he’s still connected to me in some way and it kept my sister maintaining a connection that she really doesn’t wish to have anymore.

Breaking free of codependent behaviors is a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means letting go of the people we might have once cared about greatly. And sometimes it means having to overcome those feelings of guilt or shame by not reacting to them. There are many reactions that my sister could have had to his gift that would have been moving her towards a life free from codependency. But sadly, buying a gift in return wasn’t one of them. While she could have done a return to sender for his gift or donated it to someone else, the one action that would benefit her growth the greatest is the one she keeps avoiding. It’s the one where she contacts this former friend and cuts the cord to him for good.

This is what I have had to do each time I wanted to break free from codependency and it’s brought me great freedom each time I have. I definitely know it would do the same for my sister. Even more importantly, I also know it would help this man to let me go once and for all.

While deep down I know he probably wishes that I’ll come back in his life one day down the road, I have already accepted the fact that it can’t and won’t ever happen. Codependent relationships robbed me of a life devoted to serving God. They hurt my health and healing processes. And they prevented me from growing healthy and loving connections with anyone else, including myself. Because of these things, it will never be worth the risk to even reach out and say hello just once to him or anyone I was once connected to like him.

It’s my hope and prayer for this former friend that he will completely let me go one day and end all attempts to keep me around in some fashion, including through my sister’s family. On the same level, I pray for my sister too. When both can fully let go of their codependent behaviors, I know they will begin to experience a much deeper and fuller relationship with not only themselves, but also with the God of their understanding.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Gay Deception Of Married Men

There is a lot of deception going on out there in this world. It happens every day all around us on so many levels. It may even be happening to you right now as we speak. But most recently, it happened to a very close friend of mine and it truly broke his heart.

It’s been almost 20 years now that I’ve known this friend. We met in college around my junior year and he became the first person in my life to help me understand my sexuality a lot better. Ironically though, I came out of the closet before him. Over the years that followed that, I have watched my connection with this friend wax and wane. Much of that was due to my own addictions that I lived in, but somehow our friendship was able to survive through it all.

I would call this friend more of an introvert than an extrovert due to his shy and reserved personality. And part of me has wondered if that’s why he frequently had trouble meeting someone that he could spend his life with. Five years ago though, all that changed for him when he finally met someone special. I was initially very happy for him because my friend’s track record with those he previously dated wasn’t very good. Many of those he ended up with just seemed to use and abuse him on some level. I was glad to hear that wasn’t the case though with this older man.

But as my friend’s relationship with this man began to develop, I really began to question that man’s authenticity. They had strange communication between the two of them, as they never talked on the phone. Yet they communicated via multiple e-mails every single day without ever missing a single beat. My friend was also never asked by this man to come visit his home. It would only ever be infrequent trips to my friend’s house as based upon this man’s rare availability. All of that raised a lot of red flags within me and I constantly expressed my concern about it to my friend again and again. I finally had to come to a level of acceptance because it wasn’t my relationship and if it was working for my friend, then so be it. But deep down I felt sad as I knew my friend had the same concerns as me about his relationship, except he was too afraid to rock the boat.

For someone like him, who had such terrible experiences in all his previous relationships, the idea of potentially losing the good he had was too difficult for him to ponder. So he stayed uncomfortably comfortable and treasured what little moments he together with this man. For all the time they did get together, they were a couple who did many activities together including camping, apple picking and much more. My friend even introduced him to his parents, which was a huge thing for him to do. Overall, they shared a tremendous amount of love, fun, and laughter together but their lack of communication always made me question it’s legitimacy.

One day I started praying for my friend because of my doubts about his relationship. I began asking God to guide him to seek the real truth about the man he was dating. While I didn’t know what that real truth was, my motivation to pray was that I knew my friend wanted more but didn’t know how to ask for it. Thankfully though, just before Thanksgiving, that prayer was answered when my friend found the motivation and courage to seek that truth by doing some Internet research. Unfortunately, while he was hoping to find out nothing, what he did find out what much more than he bargained for.

The long and short of it was that this man he was dating was actually married to a woman for over 30 years, had a completely different name, was ten years older than he had claimed, had two fully grown children, and didn’t even live in the area he stated he was from. On some level, I know this is partially my friend’s fault for letting the deception go on for years, especially knowing he always had his own doubts about it. But, what concerns me the most about what happened is how many people got hurt in the selfish actions of this man’s deception.

First there was my friend who got hurt as he had fallen in love with this man and it broke his heart to find out the truth. Then there’s the wife who currently has no idea what’s really going on. I can only imagine her pain that will come on the day when she finds out the real truth about her husband. Then there’s everyone else this man is deceiving including his children, friends, and anyone else he might be sleeping around with.

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident either. There are so many websites out there that allow married men to live a life of deception like this. I should know because I used to peruse a few of those sites back in the days where I met too many of them. They were constantly wanting to have flings on the side while their wives were out for the evening or out of town for a few days. Or they just wanted to come over to my house while they lied to their wife about some obligation they had to keep. None of them ever went as far as saying they were gay either. It was always that they were bi-sexual or just curious and exploring. And none of them felt they were cheating either because they claimed they weren’t being sexual with a woman. In their minds, being with man was just a cheap sexual act for their own quick gratification. And I made the mistake of giving into another man’s deception like this and spent two years of my life getting sick and toxic because of it.

I’m grateful I have no desire to ever partake in something like that ever again. It’s my hope that my friend will feel the same as me now given he knows the real truth about his relationship. The sad thing is that sometimes people still go back to those toxic relationships, even knowing this, because they are too afraid to be totally alone. I’m not sure what’s going to happen from here for my friend but I pray for his strength to fully let this man go for good. My friend deserves so much better in his life and frankly, doing anything with this man now would only be helping to continue that man’s deception.

I honestly don’t know why there are such a growing number of married men out there who are choosing to deceive their wives by sleeping around with other men. The only thing I do know is that it’s selfish, self-centered, toxic, and unspiritual to do so. It also creates a lot more darkness in this world through each lie these married men tell to get what they want. Hopefully one day, all of this gay deception by married men will be fully exposed so that they can know the true pain they are causing the world in doing it…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Phil Robertson and Duck Dynasty

It’s been awhile now since I wrote about anything that specifically dealt with the spiritual side of sexuality. That all began to change though when I caught wind of the news about the words Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame shared in his interview for a GQ article.

In it, he shared:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” 

He went on further to say:

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and wrong… Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers – they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself, it’s not right.”

Being a gay male myself and currently in a monogamous relationship with a partner who I love dearly, it saddens me to see someone take a whole group of people in this world and denounce them so openly, especially given the fame he has gained. Of course Phil is entitled to free speech and I know there are probably many more who feel the same way as him out there in this world. But it’s really not him, or anyone else that so openly denounces homosexuality, that bothers me. It’s how they all don’t realize what they’re saying is the exact opposite of what being a true Christian means.

Jesus Christ walked this Earth and practiced offering love and light to everyone. Not once does the Bible ever recollect anything about Jesus denouncing two men or two women for being together in a loving relationship with each other.

Too many Christians continue to take a text written 2000 years ago and use it as a weapon against a whole set of people on this Earth who have souls just like them. They share their opinions, and not facts, based upon those writings in the Bible to say who is or isn’t going to Heaven and who is or isn’t going to Hell. The reality is that they aren’t God, Jesus, the Disciples, or anyone else from that time. They aren’t all-knowing or all-seeing. They have their opinions that are solely being based in their minds as facts because of what they read in the Bible.

Phil Robertson is an example of this. While he is entitled to his free speech, he’s not practicing spreading the love and light that Jesus once tried to spread on this Earth through the comments he said in that GQ article. What’s even harder to swallow is all the thousands of comments I’ve already seen written online in response to A&E’s decision to place the man on hiatus from Duck Dynasty. Many of those people are claiming themselves to be Christians like Phil, except they are spewing hate, anger, rage, spite, malice, and other things that are more bestowed from those living in darkness.

It’s not my place to tell Phil Robertson how he should feel. He feels as he does and interprets the Bible from his own viewpoint. But I can understand why A&E placed him on hiatus from appearing on Duck Dynasty. In today’s day and age, a bad public image for a person of fame, or any company that represents that person, can end up destroying both’s reputation. I’m sure that A&E is afraid of losing viewers and offending any of those that are either gay or support gay rights who might either watch Duck Dynasty or other programs on their network.

Regardless of everything I just said, I do want to say that I have never have watched Duck Dynasty nor have I ever been into hunting. But my deepest truth about all of this controversy is the following. If I had been watching the show and then caught wind of Phil Robertson’s words speaking out against homosexuality, I wouldn’t be watching it anymore. It’s as simple as that for me these days when it comes to anyone or anything that speaks out so negatively against the whole gay community. Speaking out against anyone with such slander is not walking in the footsteps of Christ nor is it spreading any love and light on this planet. It’s only creating more darkness instead.

I spent many years not understanding why God had me be born gay if it was such a sin. Thankfully that changed when God helped me to see that being promiscuous with my sexuality was the actual sin, but loving one man with all my heart, mind, and soul was not. Unfortunately, people like Phil Robertson, and the others in this world who feel as he does about gay people, might not ever understand this. Hopefully though, one day they will.

But like everything else, such as when the CEO of Chick-Fil-A went through this very same issue quite recently, this Duck Dynasty issue will eventually blow over too. And when it does, another incident in similar nature will sadly just take its place. This will happen over and over and over again until people like Phil Robertson begin to take a different look at homosexuality. You see, it’s on the day when EVERYONE can start realizing that two men or two women loving each other unconditionally is acceptable and blessed in the eyes of God, that we’ll all be a lot more loving as Jesus Christ once was.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson