Author: Andrew Arthur Dawson

A teacher of meditation, a motivational speaker, a reader of numerology, and a writer by trade, Andrew Arthur Dawson is a spiritual man devoted to serving his Higher Power and bringing a lot more light and love into this world. This blog, www.thetwelfthstep.com is just one of those ways...

Beauty That’s Only Skin Deep

Have you ever met someone who looked pretty darn good on the outside, but as you got to know them a little better, you realized their “beauty” was only skin deep?

Lately, there’s someone I know who has been quite a mirror for me that is constantly reflecting into my past where I once made great efforts to keep my outside image looking pristine, yet on the inside I was a complete mess. A few months ago, this acquaintance left their $10/month gym membership behind and joined a health club that cost $93/month to be a member. Their rationality was that they would be more motivated to work out on a weekly basis because of the higher cost of membership. On that note alone, it appears as if their decision did make a difference as they now head to that club at least three times a week. In addition, this person hired a personal trainer there who is helping them to work out once a week and I have observed them now in various conversations showing off their new muscles or talking about how good they are starting to look. While all of those changes may be good for them to become healthier, what hasn’t changed is all the chaos I’ve seen in the person’s life that most others normally won’t ever see. And all of that chaos is no different than what once existed in my own life when my outside image was just as alluring for so many.

A few years ago, before my physical body went into the toxic removal state it’s currently in, I would usually spend an hour or two every single day at the gym with maybe the exception of one day a week. There I would do an hour of cardio, I’d lift weights, I’d swim many laps in the pool, and I’d feel temporarily better after all of it as I headed back to my home after each workout. But once there, I would often unravel at the seams. Sometimes anxiety would set in and other times it was depression as I dwelled on my life and where it was headed. I’d overeat whatever it was that I prepared for as a meal and justified that action in my brain because of that heavy workout I just completed. Many of those meals were never well balanced and healthy for me either. I also procrastinated in my life doing my laundry, household chores, paying bills, and keeping my responsibilities that others were dependent upon me for. At night, my focus was on looking at porn, talking to those who sexually stimulated me, or going out on “dates” that really were just my cover for “hooking up”. The focus of most of my conversations with anyone during that time were either completely about me and the drama in m life or about me playing Mr. Fix It in the life of the person I was talking to. Ironically, the one person I should have been trying to fix was the same one I was looking at in the mirror each and every day. It was also the one that I instead spent too much time staring in, prepping myself, and worrying about my looks before I left the house. The reality was that inside I was a complete and total mess even though I looked pretty good on the outside.

I’m actually very grateful that I haven’t been able to work out regularly for some time now. It has forced me to be still more than not and spend time looking at what’s below my own surface. There, I have been doing a ton of work on removing old harmful patterns, toxic behaviors, unhealthy thoughts and desires, and all the things that have kept me feeling ugly on the inside even when so many found my outsides alluring.

In recent months, I have been feeling much lighter and brighter and am starting to see that I’m growing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally because of all that work I’ve been doing on the inside. What’s funny is that my outsides don’t look so sculpted and shaped right now. I’m a little saggy around the edges of my waist and I’ve lost any definition I once had in my pectoral area. And while I am bothered a little by this, I know that the work I’ve been doing on the inside is much more important for the journey I desire in life to be closer to God.

Working out all the time and developing an amazing physique that makes people look in your direction might feel great for a period of time. But if you are living in a very selfish and self-centered life that is shallow and often filled with many fears and worries, you might want to remember this next point. As you grow closer to any of those people who take an interest in you because of your looks, they will only eventually see your beauty is skin deep and that will never, ever, lead to any type of healthy and longevity based relationship.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Wrestling Away That Control From Your Ego

Have you ever had a confrontation with someone where your ego was screaming at you that it’s all their fault, but deep down inside you could feel your heart and soul trying to whisper just the opposite? I actually had one of those situations arise during an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) retreat I was on this past weekend where my own heart and soul had to end up wrestling my ego for resolution of a conflict that transpired between another person and myself. But before I mention the specific details of that situation, some background information might be useful for the re-telling of these events.

This AA retreat I was on actually had a name for it and was called a Matt Talbot weekend. Matt Talbot is actually the name of an Irish man from Dublin, who had become addicted to alcohol at a very early age in life around the turn of the 20th century. He later experienced a spiritual conversion and went on to lead a life of sobriety because of it. These retreats have been established based upon his spiritual experiences and are an opportunity for recovering alcoholics to enhance their spirituality and sober way of life, in a setting that promotes fellowship and sharing throughout the weekend. The people who attend these retreats are all recovering alcoholics. There are many different Matt Talbot groups that have been formed over the years in the United States, Canada, and Ireland and each continue to hold retreats throughout the year to helping those in AA recovery.

Today, I belong to Group #70, which meets at a retreat center in the mountains of New Hampshire twice a year. This wasn’t my initial group though as I first experienced a Matt Talbot retreat around six year ago in a different location with Group #5. And those experiences from that first retreat became the driving force for the confrontation that ensued this past weekend between this other man and myself.

It started late this past Saturday evening while I was sitting at a table playing some cards after the events for that retreat day had ended. I had begun a conversation by asking one of the other card players if they still went on Group #5’s retreats. He responded that he hadn’t in awhile but planned on going back. I proceeded to ask some of the other people sitting there if they too still attended #5’s weekends. None of them did and I took that moment to say I was glad that I had found #70 because of what had transpired during that one and only #5 retreat I had attended. Without anyone even asking, I explained I had been gay bashed by a member of that group behind my back during that weekend and hadn’t experienced much in the way of fun activities and fellowship there either. Suddenly from behind me came the stern voice of man who identified himself as someone who currently holds a position for that group. As he walked out of the room in frustration, he said in anger that I should be more aware of my surroundings. My ego quickly took control and tried to defend itself as I verbalized my irritation again about that guy who had been anti-gay and said things being my back. As my retreat brother left the room pissed, his last words were essentially to get over it.

For the next hour, the conversations I held with the people around me were all about trying to prove that it was his resentment and that I held no fault in the matter. Over and over and over again, my ego came up with all the reasons why I should be entitled to my opinion about my experiences from that #5 retreat. But there was a small nudge that continued to occur within me that kept trying to show me the part I played in this confrontation. My ego wasn’t having it though, so after an hour of getting nowhere with it trying to convince everyone I was right and that man was wrong, I decided to head to my room and pray instead. This alone was a major step of growth for me as I know that not more than a few years earlier, I wouldn’t have cared at all about that man’s feelings.

As I kneeled in my room and prayed, I asked God for guidance. And it was in those moments of silence, I realized I was still harboring a resentment towards that man from Group #5 who hadn’t liked gay people. I even became aware that I had in turn spent years bashing his group any chance I got because of him. Immediately, I prayed for love, forgiveness, and peace for that man who hadn’t liked my sexuality. I did the same prayer for Group #5, as well as for the other man who had gotten in the confrontation with me and I immediately felt better. The next morning, I asked God if an amends was in order and then went into my daily 35 minute meditation. It was during that meditation I received a very strong and resounding yes, as well as the words to use for that amends. Shortly thereafter, I found that man and did just that. And ironically, he made an amends back to me as well, and the two of us ended it with an embrace. As we walked away, heading to the next event, I felt a thousand times better than the previous evening when my ego had me in its grips.

All too often, during confrontations and storms like this that can happen in life for any of us, our egos do their best to take over control on how we react in them. It’s during those heightened moments where it’s always best to step away from the situation temporarily, to take a deep breath, and then to seek guidance to a Higher Power through prayer. In doing so, not only will the heart and soul be able to wrestle away that control from the ego, you will also end up feeling in the end, so much lighter and so much brighter.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Unity In Alcoholics Anonymous

There is a symbol that is used to represent the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Even if you aren’t familiar with AA on any level, I’m sure you’ve still probably seen it. Most often it’s found on the back of a car’s bumper, but it seems to be turning up more and more lately on things such as clothing, jewelry, and artwork. It’s a rather simple emblem that’s essentially a circle containing a triangle within it whose sides represent unity, service, and recovery. Unfortunately, it appears there are many groups, such as my own, which seem to be unaware what the unity part of that triangle really means.

By straight definition out of the dictionary, the word unity is defined as the state of being united and joined as a whole. And sadly, that seems to be the exact opposite of what my home group in AA is currently doing. But before I mention some of those things that they’re doing which don’t seem to be congruent with unity, I think it’s important to note that when a group is practicing that principle, it creates a byproduct called fellowship. And for many, the stronger the fellowship in a group, the more it seems to gain in membership and the more its members continue to come back week after week, month after month, and year after year.

I’ve belonged to several other AA home groups in the past and each of them helped me to understand a little better what unity and fellowship really looked like. The first home group I ever officially joined was probably the best one to represent this. I can still remember walking in those doors on the first Friday night of September in 2007. There were at least three greeters outside the meeting hall giving warm welcomes to everyone as they entered. Inside the hall, it was hard not to notice everyone helping each other out to get the room ready for the next meeting. There was plenty of smiling, laughing, hugging, and friendly conversations going on. And many people walked up to me and gave me huge embraces even though they didn’t know me. Even better, when the meeting was over, I had received several invitations to join many of those members who were going out for some pizza. While I didn’t live in the time that Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith created the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have come to understand through research, that they practiced something similar in their meetings back then. I had always felt they would have been proud to have walked into my first home group to see their legacy of unity live on. But as I said earlier, there are some meetings, like my current home group, that don’t practice unity so well. And just last week, I saw this was becoming very apparent there.

Week in and week out, I am the sole person there to set up and even when the other members begin to arrive, none offer to help me out. Most of the members only warmly greet those that fall into their cliques and close friendship based circles and fail to even walk around the room and say hello to anyone else, including other members like me. When I have begun the cleanup after the meeting, most promptly leave but for those that remain, it’s only to socialize with their friends for a few more minutes. And not once, in the year I’ve been a member of that group has anyone wanted to go out together for any kind of fellowship after the meeting. My group even has occasional speaking engagements at various detoxes, halfway houses, and other places of recovery, but often many of them are sparsely attended by our members. All of this stands to reason why our group has been struggling financially as of late to pay our monthly expenses. While the speakers we’ve had may have been good, I believe it also takes a strong fellowship to draw people back each week to gain in not only numbers, but also members. In the past year, our average attendance has been around 40 and our average active membership has been no more than 10. While my attempts at creating more unity and fellowship have had the tendency to be turned against me with comments that what I’m suggesting is unrealistic and unreasonable, what my group members don’t understand is that this is going against the very principles that Bill and Bob set forth so long ago.

Finding a home group that is strong in unity and fellowship, can be critical for a person’s recovery, especially when most were probably doing the exact opposite during their active days of addiction. If you are searching for a good meeting to attend or looking for one to call your home group, I encourage you to find one where people shake your hand, hug you, verbally greet you with warm cheer, and even invite you to join them later after its over for more fellowship. These are only just a handful of the many traits that fall under a good unity based group. But if you find yourself on the other side of the coin walking into a meeting where you aren’t even pleasantly greeted by one of its members, my suggestion is to keep on searching for other meetings to attend, as that’s a definite sign of a group lacking in unity. That being said, I think I need to follow my own advice here and begin looking for another group to call home again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson