Author: Andrew Arthur Dawson

A teacher of meditation, a motivational speaker, a reader of numerology, and a writer by trade, Andrew Arthur Dawson is a spiritual man devoted to serving his Higher Power and bringing a lot more light and love into this world. This blog, www.thetwelfthstep.com is just one of those ways...

I Feel So Empty…

I feel so empty, like a car running on fumes that’s seriously in need of a fill-up, except in my case, I can’t seem to find the fuel, or the pump for that matter, no matter what I do.

In my 12 Step recovery from addiction world, it’s always said that when one feels empty, it’s best to get out of oneself and help another. So, I’ve tried to fill that emptiness by sponsoring others, by volunteering, and by attending more meetings. Yet, most frustratingly, it hasn’t helped much to fill up that feeling of emptiness whatsoever. Through my recovery, I also learned to pray and meditate each day, do daily affirmations, write gratitude lists, listen to positive music, and eat healthy, but none of that seems to have any effect on removing my emptiness either. In addition, I’ve tried to deal with the emptiness by keeping myself busy with healthy hobbies like going to more movies, working on puzzles, watching uplifting television programs, and coloring in my adult coloring book, but none of them have had much success with removing the emptiness, even for brief periods, either.

And as much as I’m not happy to report this, I’ve even resorted to trying to fill the emptiness with things I know wouldn’t be healthy for me in the long run if I kept them up. Things such as the occasional flirting and fishing to see if someone else finds me attractive, glancing at pictures of people on Facebook I find handsome, or trying to hang out with people I think are good looking. Things such as eating 92% dark chocolate for comfort, pigging out on junk food till I feel bloated, or overeating in general. Things such as buying a scratch ticket or visiting a casino here and there. And things such as trying to oversexualize my own relationship. All of which has done nothing to remove my emptiness and if anything, created even more of it.

And last, but most definitely not the least, I have sadly attempted to forget about my emptiness by attempting to control other people, take their inventory, and make it my business to help them see the work they could do on their life. All any of that’s done is just piss people off.

Honestly, I have no idea how to remove this emptiness and believe me when I say I’ve been sitting with it more than not, without trying to temporarily fill it, for about a year and a half now. I have begged God to fill it. Begged and begged and begged. Because ultimately, I don’t believe there’s any person, place, or thing here that can take it away and I’ve exhausted countless energy, money, and resources to figure that out.

It is said that only God can truly ever fill that emptiness and help us feel full of life and zest and joy, but no matter how hard I’ve tried to connect with God, He seems to be on radio silence with me. I’ve waited and waited and waited and waited, asking for guidance and direction, often feeling like I’m being punished for something when I receive no answers as to why I feel so empty.

I have no answers right now as to how to comfort this little boy within me who keeps crying day after day, who feels like he’s been abandoned. I continue to do my best to remain clean and sober and help others in the process. I continue to keep doing my healthy activities as well, with an occasional backslide here and there. But, all in all, I remain still and wait upon God and have never gone through as long of period as this where I haven’t felt God’s presence and instead, have felt this incredibly deep and dark emptiness. An emptiness that I can’t seem to fill or escape from, no matter what I do.

Lord, my tank feels empty and I’m in desperate immediate need of Your fuel. I have nothing left to give but my life itself, which you know is Yours anyway to do with as You wish. Please help me God. Please remove this emptiness and replace it with joy and a lot more of You, as I know only You can do. Because a life that constantly feels empty, where I don’t feel You, is a life I’m truly struggling to see is still worth living. Yet a life filled with You is most certainly one worth living, one where even something as simple as taking a single breath will provide me all the fuel I need to keep on, keeping on, and one where I know  my car will never run empty again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday, a reflective time for me to express some gratitude to start my week off on a positive note, which for today is for finally taking the time to migrate my stuff in storage to a much better location. While I know at first glance this probably doesn’t seem like that much of a big deal, that being a move from one storage facility to another, for me it most definitely was.

All this began back in 2013, as I prepared to move my life from Boston to Toledo. I knew I was going to need a storage unit for some of my personal belongings that wouldn’t be able to reside in my partner’s small home. I also knew I’d need it to be climate-controlled to keep a few of my collections safe from the weather extremes that tend to occur in this area. Unfortunately, there was only one place nearby that had climate-controlled back then, but thankfully a unit was available within it at the time. When I officially moved to Toledo in February of 2014, I filled the 10×10 climate-controlled unit I had secured with them almost to capacity. For $109 a month plus tax, my stuff would remain in that unit without seeing the light of day from then on forward. It simply became a receptacle to hold a part of my life for the unforeseeable future.

When my first-year anniversary arrived, along with it came a notice that my rent was going up by $5. The facility had already let me know about this initial increase when I first moved in, so I was ok with it. But little did I know that the rate would continue to increase every year after that as well, and not by a few dollars here and there either. In fact, every year when my anniversary rolled around again, I’d get another rental increase letter of at least $5.

After this happened for two subsequent years, I began calling them to discuss their ever-increasing rates. Sadly, I’d fail in each of my attempts to get them to lower the cost, but being that I was so overwhelmed with my health issues, I’d cave in and just accept the increase, begrudgingly. Yet, when I got that rate increase letter once again on this year’s anniversary, I was told the new cost of my unit was going to be just shy of $140 and finally had enough. Given that I had once stored a vehicle in a far larger storage unit in the greater Boston area for about the same price, I attempted to convince both the on-site manager, the regional manager, and even the head honcho who actually sets the pricing to reduce my rate. I even pointed out to them that I had been a loyal customer who has always paid on time and never had any issues. Unfortunately, none of that held any weight with them. So, I had a choice. Give in again and let it go for another year, or take a look around in the area to see if there were any other options. I opted for the latter and wouldn’t you know there were plenty of other climate-controlled locations now available. But even better, they all were asking for around $109 a month!

On a last-ditch effort to avoid the hassle of moving, I informed the regional manager of my discoveries, only to be told that there were plenty of other customers who would pay their prices, that a move would be more expensive than if I just remained there, and that I’d be missing out on the fact that they felt they were the best storage facility in the area. While I’m sure most people don’t move because of the hassle involved, I thankfully was smart enough to leave about a week later.

In the end, the move cost me about $80 overall, about three hours of my time, and the assistance of three others (Thank you Chris, David, and Les!). I was given a new customer rate of $95 to start and after mentioning to the managers of the new facility the yearly gouging I had endured, they promised my rate would only increase in the next few years by a dollar or two and that loyal customers actually meant something to them.

So, I have a lot to be grateful for when it comes to the move I just made from my original storage facility to this new one. Not only will I be saving over $450 a year now, and even more with each successive year, I can safely say their property is equal in quality to the previous one and maybe even slightly better. Honestly, I wish now I had looked into moving several years ago, as I would have definitely saved a few thousand dollars. Hind sight is 20/20 of course, but I have much gratitude for finally pushing myself to do the research, to discover I was being taken advantage of, and finding enough strength to actually make the move elsewhere, as I’m a much happier camper now because of it.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson