Category: Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday entry, where gratitude remains the sole focus on my writing, which for today is for going through all the pains, trials, and tribulations of my life the past ten years medication free.

For those who may not know this, I’m not against medication, I just choose not to use it anymore to cope with the general pains, trials, and tribulations of my life, as in the past, I used medications to cope with life and keep my numb. The result was the shutting down of my heart and generally not caring much about anything.

The last round of medications I was prescribed back in 2011 included Effexor, Ativan, Seroquel, and Gabapentin. All of it eventually led me to attempt suicide because I had become so numb inside to life itself. I vowed to myself in the spring of 2012 to start going through my life medication free unless an emergency occurred. I wanted to experience more of life on life’s terms. It’s been a hard path to undertake, especially on the many extremely pain-riddled days I’ve had and the countless days I’ve felt quite down.

Believe me there are plenty of moments where I think like many probably do, that I just want to take some type of medication to make my pain go away. Given I have an addict personality that doesn’t want to feel pain, it’s even more of a reason why I have chosen for years now not to medicate.

Last year when I had COVID for 24 straight days, I endured the worst of headaches I’ve ever felt in my entire life for about seven straight days, but I didn’t attempt to even take a Tylenol, Aleve, Advil, or anything of the sort. I just sat through it and that wasn’t because I was choosing to be a martyr. I chose that route because I didn’t want to allow my ego to convince me all over again that the only solution in life to cope with pain is through some type of pill.

There once was a time one would find me in one doctor’s office after another, day after day, week after week, month after month, seeking out medications to fix what I felt to be broken within me. My ego had convinced me that the only answer to solve all my suffering was to medicate. Sometimes I even think much of the hypochondria I’ve dealt with is simply my ego just trying to get me to go back to medicating all over again.

Regardless, it’s no small feat that I’ve gone through an incredible amount of stuff over the past decade and haven’t popped a single pill in my mouth, not once. How many days I’ve wanted to do so for quick relief is probably countless. But I know myself better than anyone else does, and the addict in me always wants to go back down that path all over again. The addict in me wants the only solution in life to be a pill to make all my pain go away. Why? Because the addict likes remaining numb to life itself.

I’m continuing to choose day after day to not follow the medication path because I want to remain living in reality, feeling what I need to feel, dealing with what I need to deal with, and healing in God’s time. I’m not saying I’ll never be on medication again and I’m also not saying medication is bad either. What I am saying is that I’m grateful to have gone this long without it when I couldn’t go a day without it just over a decade ago and I give all that credit to to remaining on this path thus far to my faith that God is the one who is guiding me through it all…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday entry, where gratitude remains the sole focus in my writing for the day, which for today is for my 10-year anniversary I just celebrated with my partner, Chris.

Honestly, it’s somewhat mind-blowing to me that 10 years have gone by since I first met Chris. Just over a decade ago now, we had our first meet and greet on a cruise to the Caribbean, which by the end of, we chose to become a couple. For two years after, we stayed in a long-distance dating pattern with me in Boston and Chris in Toledo, mostly because of me wanting to be sure I wasn’t following in any of my old toxic patterns in the sex and love realm of addiction. Eventually, God led me to move to Toledo to live with Chris and I’ve been there ever since.

For someone like me who played the field far too much throughout my 20’s and 30’s, and constantly struggled to ever settle down with any one person for a while, reaching this decade milestone is a rather amazing feat to me. What’s even more amazing is how my relationship with Chris has grown deeper and deeper the more we’ve remained together. I give that credit to God, my 12 Step recovery in SLAA, and remaining 100% monogamous through it all.

I can’t imagine my life in a relationship with anyone else right now except Chris. Chris has been my rock through many anxiety-riddled times, through plenty of health issues, and through countless moments where my mind got the best of me. I truly am grateful that I have a decade now with Chris and pray we have another decade and more ahead.

So, I dedicate today’s Grateful Heart Monday to a person who is such a beautiful soul and someone who has chosen to walk by my side through thick and thin, for 10 years now, even when I’ve often thought I’ve had nothing to offer. Chris, I am grateful you have stuck by my side for the past 10 years…I love you…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Welcome to another entry of Grateful Heart Monday, which for today is for a new show I’m watching, Bel-Air, on Peacock, a reboot of the original Fresh Prince of Bel-Air series, but a far more gritty and edgy version of it.

These days, reboots of old tv shows seem to be becoming more and more common. Shows like Dynasty, MacGyver, Magnum PI, Law & Order, and so many others have returned to varying degrees, some I’d consider decent reboots, while others I quickly lost interest in, remembering the older version as far more superior. Most recently, Peacock has brought back The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air thanks to a YouTube video of one person’s view of what the original show should have been more like. Rather than the show being a comedy like its predecessor, Bel-Air is more of an urban drama and one that really feels more real than the original ever did.

While my partner was a big fan of the original Fresh Prince series, I wasn’t. It was just too goofy and irritated me more than not, especially every time Carlton did that silly dance that became so popular back then. I generally quickly turned the channel every time the original show was on, and continue to do so even in its reruns, because it never felt accurate or real on any level to me.

There was a very brief period of my life where I did live on the inner-city streets of Poughkeepsie, learning much about a culture I didn’t grow up with. The premise of the original Fresh Prince show was about taking Will Smith out of the inner-city streets of Philadelphia when things got out of hand and sending him off to Bel-Air in California to his rich aunt and uncle’s place for safety. For many, that original series was one of the highlights of their upbringing, bringing them some much-needed laughter when it was on. But for me, it brought annoyance each time it was, because it didn’t portray any of what I saw in the friends or life I had during my brief inner-city days.  Honestly, it felt like it did a strong disservice to a culture I came to know.

In the new version of Fresh Prince though, more aptly titled Bel-Air to depict its originality, while the premise retains that initial theme of bringing Will Smith to a place of safety from inner-city trouble, there are subjects that are shown with much greater accuracy that the original never ever showed. Gang warfare, gun violence, drugs in high school, severe bullying, great family strife, and much more, Bel-Air is not a show for the light-hearted and looks nothing like the original, thankfully.

I’ve now watched almost half of the new season of Bel-Air and I find myself being drawn back into the life I once lived for that brief period each time the show is on. The main lead, Jabari Banks, as the young Will Smith is electrifying and very believable, as is Carlton (Olly Sholotan), who thankfully hasn’t done any silly dance in it as of yet.

Why I’m grateful for this show is simply because I feel that Hollywood often misrepresents cultures for the sake of gaining viewership. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air back in the 90’s had lots of viewers because it was goofy fun, but one I never felt connected to. The same can be said of a show like Modern Family that consistently type casted a gay couple as being overly flamboyant, something that annoys me incredibly because not all gay people are flamboyant.

I have grown weary of TV shows and movies that don’t represent what a culture is truly like, which is why I’m thankful on today’s Grateful Heart Monday for Bel-Air emerging this year with a fresh look and premise, one that feels far more real than its predecessor ever did…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson