Category: Recovery From Addictions

Have you ever experienced a temporary loss of memory during a period of alcohol intoxication? Most hardened drinkers, like I once was, have at some point, and to us it’s well known as having experienced a blackout, something that can be a sure sign of addiction when it happens more than once.

For those who might not understand the science behind an alcohol blackout, the gaps that occur in a person’s memory during intoxication happen when a person drinks enough alcohol to temporarily block the transfer of memories from short-term to long-term storage, something known as memory consolidation, in the hippocampus area of the brain.

To understand the difference between a non-addict experiencing an alcohol blackout versus an addict, I think it’s best to share with all of you my partner Chris’s experience with when it first happened to him and my first experience.

Chris experienced his first blackout back in 2003 on a night where he was out drinking with a few friends. Once he left the bar he was enjoying himself at, he lost all recollection of anything that took place after. He eventually “came to” once he found himself walking in his front door. The experience left him with a permanent fear that scared him so much he’s never consumed more than a single drink or two ever since and never experienced a blackout again either.

Me, on the other hand, experienced my first blackout on the very first night I ever consumed alcohol, which was in late February of 1990 at a high school party. From the moment I quickly finished my second beer, the rest of the recollection of my evening was wiped out of existence for me. I didn’t “come to” until the party was over when I was about to head home. While that should have scared me, it didn’t, as I rather enjoyed the experience. Why? Because for a moment, it allowed me to forget about all the pain of my life and helped me to feel free for once of many painful memories. I’d go on to have repeated blackouts for six more years after that night until I finally accepted I was an alcoholic and earned my first full day of sobriety on June 11^th, 1995.

So, as you can see, there is a big difference in how a non-addict and an addict handles alcohol blackouts. The reality though for anyone experiencing even a single one is that it’s most definitely something to pay attention to and be concerned over. Many in 12 Step recovery over the years have told me countless stories of terrible things they’ve done during their own blackouts that ranged from DUI’s, physically hurting others or themselves, getting sexually abused, stealing, vandalizing, and worse. I have a number of my own sad stories I could share when it comes to all those years I blacked out from excessive drinking. Most had me waking up in very strange places, including other residences of people I didn’t even know. Nevertheless, the damage alcohol blackouts due on the mind and body is highly detrimental in of itself even with it happening just once, so it’s most assuredly something to pay attention to.

The bottom line is that experiencing repeated alcohol blackouts can most definitely be a sign of an active alcohol addiction or a brewing one. So, if you should ever find yourself having more than one of these, please know this isn’t a good thing, and most certainly is a warning sign that you aren’t on a healthy path with your consumption of alcohol. I highly encourage you to seek help, as you may find that it’s far better to address any potential reasons for wanting to drink to the point of blacking out, than continuing to take the risk of drinking so excessively that you might just come out of a blackout after doing something so bad that you’ll never be able to take it back…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Andy Dawgskin! Andy Dawgskin! Andy Dawgskin!” I can still hear those awful chants, even at 50 years old, of those kids from my youth who constantly made fun of me in our neighborhood, on the bus, at school, and pretty much everywhere. This nickname, one placed upon me by a local kid around the corner who simply manipulated my last name in a negative-sounding way, would go on to haunt me and become an initial PTSD marker for being bullied incessantly for years to come.

When I see kids today getting bullied, whether it’s in the movies or television shows I watch, or whether it’s when I’m actually out and about in some public place where it’s occurring, it always does a number on my heart. While I’ve experienced a lot of healing from all the PTSD of getting bullied as a kid, I’ve worked with plenty in 12 Step recovery who are adults now that continue to carry massive wounds from it and where addiction is still a strong resource to handling the pain from it. I can relate to that because alcohol and drug addiction were the very things that initially helped me in life to numb myself from the many years I was bullied and rejected by peers. Ironically though, consuming alcohol and doing drugs also helped me to find acceptance in this world with the many who did either with me.

While I may not be angry or resentful anymore at all those who once bullied, there’s still a great sadness that remains within me surrounding it, one that always has me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in at everyone else having fun together. You see, ever since shedding my old chameleon-like personality that began at 17 just to avoid getting bullied, and since shedding so many addictions as well, I often feel that no one wants to be around me because I no longer fit in with what the masses do. What’s even harder to deal with is how I frequently become clingy and needy, and sometimes even overly pushy, when I actually end up making a new friendship, because that kid in me becomes so desperate for acceptance and approval, two things I never got growing up. I’m thankful for the courage God has given me to continue working on this and speaking so openly about it. While I may always care on some level about what others think of me due to the amount of bullying and rejection I endured as a kid, I at least can say I’m living out my more authentic self now than ever before, which is why I want to say this.

To all those people out there who have blocked me, mocked me, talked behind my back, and spread what you believe to be true about me in countless gossipy ways, I’m a good person with a good heart, who’s choosing to face his own insecurities now, instead of numbing myself from them. Maybe instead of judging me and doing what is no different than the bullying I endured as a kid, you should take a look in the mirror at yourself. Rather than continuing to do hurtful actions that inflict pain upon others including me, actions that really are no different than those who once chanted, “Andy Dawgskin” repeatedly, maybe it’s time for you to look within on why you are so bothered by who I am as much as you are.

Regardless of what any may choose to think of me today or in the past, I am not “Andy Dawgskin” anymore, and I release everything still within me tied to a name and negative energy I never wanted or deserved. And I also release all the pain I received from all the bullies in this world as well who have ever hurt me, once and for all. I am Andrew Arthur Dawson, and I love my authentic self…even if you don’t…or ever will…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’ve often struggled with the serenity prayer as it’s written and recently have had to slightly remix it in a way that makes far more sense to me on my spiritual journey. For those who don’t know this prayer, it’s written as follows:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

While this prayer is said throughout the vast majority of 12 Step addiction recovery meetings around the globe and one frequently utilized in many individual prayers as well, it’s a prayer I’ve struggled with, mostly due to the way my mind keeps interpreting the middle statement within it.

You see, I’ve not had an issue throughout the majority of my adult life, which now encompasses over 27 years of continuous sobriety from alcohol and drugs, finding the courage to change something. In fact, I walk through numerous avenues of fear every single day looking to change anything my ego doesn’t like, especially in recent years when it comes to all my health issues. I’m the type of guy who’s very willing to take up any challenge that will help to overcome any obstacle on my spiritual journey. Take for example the fear of spiders I have at times in life. I often utilize my courage when I see one, to actually touch it, just to prove to my ego that the fear of it won’t control me. How this relates to my struggle with the serenity prayer as it’s written is this.

While the intention of the serenity prayer is truly at its core seeking wisdom as to whether to accept something or change it, my ego interprets it differently. It sees it more so as a decision between accepting things I don’t have the courage to face and changing the things I do have the courage to face. Because of this, I often find myself trying to change one thing after another, even when God may not want me to, because I typically don’t struggle with finding courage for anything, it’s just always there.

This is why I’ve recently begun working on saying the serenity prayer in a slightly different way, one that makes far more sense to me and one my ego can’t misinterpret for it’s own benefit. Because the biggest battle I face in life presently isn’t in finding the courage to change something, it’s in knowing whether God actually wants me to change it in the first place. Said in a slightly different way, my struggle on plenty of days is whether God wants me to work on changing some aspect of my life or whether God wants me to be still and accept it.

So, this is the serenity prayer I’ve slightly remixed to aid my spiritual journey in a way I understand far better and one I hope will help others who have had similar struggles with it as well…

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the knowledge to change the things I’m meant to, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson