Category: Recovery From Addictions

Asking for help isn’t easy for me and it’s something I’m not that great at doing…at all really. But, in light of how my life has changed dramatically over the past decade due to my financial and health states, it’s something I’m finding myself having to do more and more, which has left me feeling extremely humbled.

Prior to the loss of my former business and before my health really went downhill, Andrew, and yes, I’m purposely speaking about myself in the third person, was the type of guy who had more ego than humility. Many would describe Andrew then as the type of person whose ego was so big it couldn’t fit through any doorway he walked into. I denied that repeatedly, never wanting to see how much the money I had then ruled my life. Yet, it did, but now I don’t have it anymore and that’s definitely been humbling me.

This came to light recently when I didn’t have the money to attend my 30^th reunion for my fraternity, Phi Kappa Psi, at my alma mater, Rochester Institute of Technology. I humbled myself and let my brothers know via our Facebook group that I wouldn’t be able to attend as much as I wanted to, because I didn’t have the money. In the process of me humbling myself and expressing that truth to my brothers, God made it possible for me to attend when another brother paid for my attendance, which was also just as humbling.

To my ego, having another pay for me, especially because of where I once was with income, once felt like it was beneath me. That’s because of being raised in a family that always tried to show the world we had something they wanted. It was all fake though. But now that my health has waned incredibly over the past few years, I find myself having to ask for help financially and in other ways as well.

I’ve had to get a wheelchair at the airport at times when I’ve visited my sister Laura or my best friend Cedric. I’ve had to board early as well on those trips due to the pain levels I endure. I’ve had to ask my partner and friends for help with some outdoor chores. I’ve even had to ask those who have wanted me to go on trips to cover greater parts of it like the hotel rooms, as I can’t justify it anymore. All of this has been truly humbling because of how much I based much of self-esteem for most of my life on what others think of me. And by having to ask for help in these ways and others, my ego believes I’ll be judged far more and accepted far less.

Nevertheless, the latest humbling moment I’ve experienced was in me having to ask the Executive Director of my National fraternity for help to get to the upcoming fraternity convention I’m presently attached to attend. My original intention to go was to do a 12 Step recovery presentation during it on alcohol and drug addiction. While the alumni association in my area was willing to pay for the registration, I’m on my own to cover the rental car to get there, and my hotel stay during it, neither of which I can afford at this time. Asking the Executive Director, someone I really don’t know at all, for assistance with this was quite humbling for me. But even more humbling will be me cancelling my attendance if I don’t receive any financial assistance.

While I find all the humility I’ve had to face in recent years with me asking for help with things I never used to challenging, I believe it’s been a necessary step in the evolvement of me becoming the spiritual being I want to become in life. As whom I was before, one that wasn’t ever allowing himself to ask for help or be humbled in any way, shape, or form, the person I am becoming now, the Andrew I am becoming today, is one I most assuredly like a lot better…and I think others who once knew me as that old Andrew would tend to agree as well…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

While I am a firm believer in the absolute importance of sponsoring others through the 12 Steps in either of the 12 Step recovery programs I attend, I decided recently to change how I plan to keep doing this invaluable recovery tool, mostly due to the stress it’s now placing upon my overall health, especially due to the rapidly rising cost of gas.

First off, I am unemployed and don’t have an income. When gas was a mere few dollars a gallon, I could easily go meet a newcomer where it cost me next to nothing to do so. But with gas now rising over $5 a gallon, it’s taking a toll upon my mental and emotional health, specifically when I drive some 20 to 30 miles away to meet a newcomer who doesn’t show up, or who does, but creates a lot more stress upon my life than leaving a healthy impact, like someone recently I had just begun to help, who got in my car and immediately started vaping and drinking an energy drink as soon as they sat down!

Look, sponsorship is meant to be a positive recovery tool for both the sponsor and the sponsee. But lately, I’m finding it far more draining because many of the newcomers I’ve tried to help don’t seem to want to do the hard work that comes in doing the 12 Step process, which has left me feeling more drained than not after meeting with them, where I’ve wished I had remained home doing what I was doing, saving myself the hassle of several hours of my time and $15 in expenses. Add in the number of relapses I’m seeing now, especially since the pandemic came upon us, where many sponsees have remained non-committal with the work, never making it past the 1^st or 2^nd step, continuing to sponsor others in the way I have has been weighing heavily upon me.

On the contrary, sponsorship continues to remain a positive experience for me with sponsees who have been attending meetings and remaining sober for a long period of time. I’ve had the opportunity in recent years to sponsor several who had been clean and sober for many years, who just hadn’t done the steps yet. Sponsoring each of them was rewarding, as they remained fully committed throughout the entire 12 Step process, which is why I’ve decided to only sponsor those now who have been clean and sober and attending recovery meetings for a good length of time. The fact is, sponsoring others should never cause a greater imbalance to one’s own sobriety and recovery, nor hurt one’s overall health, like it has been for me recently.

I am worn out from trying to work with one newcomer after another who regularly are manipulative, selfish, lacking accountability and integrity, and frequently laying guilt-trips upon my doorstep. It’s sad to say that the rising cost of gas and my ongoing health issues have led to me not being able to handle this. But I need to take care of myself just as much as I know it’s important to help others in my 12 Step recovery. There is a fine balance with it. I simply choose now to work with those who have remained committed to being clean and sober, who have been practicing the 1^st step without relapsing for some time. Because helping them continues to rejuvenate my love for sponsorship and 12 Step recovery work and improve my overall health…something that unfortunately hasn’t been true for the many newcomers I’ve tried to help, who simply just don’t want sobriety and recovery bad enough yet…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Over the last several weeks, I’ve mostly wrote about things related to turning 50, something I celebrated on June 11^th. Today, I wanted to continue in that line of discussion in reference to my 12 Step recovery work, as on my 50^th birthday, something happened connecting me to an addiction temptation from the past, triggering me into some old addictive thinking.

First, and foremost, there always seems to be a discussion going on in the 12 Step recovery community of whether a person is fully recovered from their former addiction or someone who’s consistently recovering. I’ve made the mistake of getting into this debate with others and it tends to go nowhere. I think what matters is how each sober individual sees themselves, which in my case is a person still recovering from their disease and always will be. Why I say this is because every time I’ve assumed I was fully recovered from my life of addiction, I’ve relapsed into yet another one. And with what I’m about to say happened on my 50th birthday, assuming I was a fully recovered individual could have led to a very bad result.

That being said, whenever my birthday rolls around, I typically thank every person who wishes me a happy birthday in the way they reached out, whether that’s by phone, text, or on social media. My feeling is that if someone can take the time to send me a birthday wish, it’s important to thank them back, to show my gratitude. So, on my 50^th, as I was in the midst of doing that very thing on my social media, I was appalled when I saw I had received a birthday wish from the very person I had a deeply adulterous relationship with over ten years ago that eventually drove me into 12 Step recovery for sex and love addicts. It was this relationship that led to my health falling apart and much of my financial ruin.

Frankly, I was shocked after I saw this person had reached out because we weren’t connected on Facebook. But, for them to reach out on a special day where I was also going through tremendous physical pain and mental anguish, I thought it was rather apropos because I’ve found addiction tempts me the most when I’m at my lowest. In this case, after seeing their birthday wish, my former disease immediately said, “Oh, it’s just a thank you I’m sending back, it’s not that big of a deal.” Thankfully though, I have a lot more of God guiding me than me guiding me because of my 12 Step recovery, as I quickly came to my senses and deleted the message and blocked them from communicating again. Ironically, thirty minutes later, temptation struck again, as this same individual had used a second Facebook account and sent me a second birthday wish, to which I just as quickly deleted and blocked as well.

Here’s the reality, while the birthday wish itself may have been sincere in nature, would it have been healthy to respond to? Here’s a good way to answer that. Would it be a good thing for a recovering alcoholic to connect one afternoon with former drinking buddies still doing the same heavy drinking, or a drug addict choosing to hang with a former dealer for a night, or a gambling addict opting to go grab breakfast one Sunday morning at a local casino? The answer to all three is no, it wouldn’t be a good thing. Because, as the old saying goes, you hang in a barbershop long enough, you’ll eventually get a haircut. Even opening the door ever so slightly to this former individual I had once toxically loved, by responding with a brief thank you, gives my old addiction a chance to come back. Essentially, it’s breathing life back into it in that action itself.

In the end, seeing this individual briefly return to my life via two Facebook birthday wishes made me clearly remember why I went into the SLAA program in the first place. Thankfully, my 12 Step recovery and my relationship with God helped me to resist a 50^th birthday addiction temptation from the past to someone that at best, once loved me at best as a sexual outlet for their frustration in life, and at worst, with abuse I never want to experience again in this life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson