Category: Recovery From Addictions

These entries focus on offering spiritual guidance and pathways for recovery for anyone who has dealt with addictions.

The Joy And Sorrow of Watching The Top Gun Sequel…

Watching the new Top Gun sequel (Top Gun: Maverick) recently in the theater (which was excellent by the way) and hearing that old “Danger Zone” song thump through the theater’s sound system, I was immediately transported temporarily back in time to 1986 when the original was released.

May of 1986 to be precise, I was 13 years old and a lover of movies already in life. My parents were still alive and hadn’t fully descended into their crazy drama yet. I also hadn’t picked up any addiction yet, nor had I been molested yet either. Honestly, my only real concern back then was how alone I felt in life, as I was generally friend-less back then. That’s why I loved movies so much, as they helped me forget about that for the few hours I’d sit in those dark theaters and stare at the screen in awe.

I’m quite sure there’s a young naïve teenager somewhere in this world who also found themselves staring at the screen in awe watching the now 60-year-old Tom Cruise playing Maverick once again and aspiring to become something greater in life once the credits rolled at the end. That’s precisely how I felt back in May of 1986 when I was also a young naïve kid who simply loved to watch movies, swim in the pool, hike in nature, and hoped to become something greater in life eventually. Sadly, all the PTSD I’d endure and all the detours I’d take with one addiction after another and one unhealthy relationship after another, would derail all of it.

Having endured what I have since the original Top Gun, I often find myself asking others if they could go back in time while retaining their memories to have a chance to do it all over again, would they? Most say no, yet I consistently say yes, as I struggle with acceptance of where my life is now. I frequently think that maybe if I just had another chance, I could do things differently and achieve those dreams I once had as that naïve young kid. Unfortunately, time travel doesn’t exist nor do I have the youthful exuberance anymore. Yet what I do have is God at my helm and much wisdom gained from the many hard lessons I learned since that original Top Gun.

While I am thankful for all these hard lessons and life experiences I’ve gained, watching the Top Gun sequel really did make me miss where I was at in life in May of 1986. It made me miss the innocence I had then, the amazing health I carried then, the vitality I used to exude then, and the excitement I used to have then just to be alive. It’s precisely why I experienced both joy and sorrow while watching the Top Gun sequel. Joy for how much movies continue to be a wonderful escape where I’m able to forget about all the stressors of my life for a few hours and immerse myself in something amazing, but sorrow for remembering the three decades that came after the original Top Gun, decades that had me drifting far from God and far from being true to myself.

Whether another Top Gun sequel will ever be made again I don’t know. If one is though, I pray that the only feeling I have when watching it will be that of joy. Joy for my love of movies and joy for how far I’ve come in life by then. Rather than feeling sorrow, sorrow for all the choices I once made that led me into a life without God, a life of addictions, a life of detours, and a life of many dead-ends, things I won’t need to ever experience again, so long as I remain in recovery, trusting God to keep leading my way…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

What A Mid-Life Crisis And Acceptance Of Life On Life’s Terms Have In Common…

I have occasionally met people in this life who seem to be truly accepting of every part of themselves. They accept themselves so deeply that whatever their “conditions” of life are, they don’t let it faze them. They accept life on life’s terms so gracefully that they can move through life with far more peace. As I am about to turn 50, I feel like the mid-life crisis I’m having is all about a recovering addict’s last stand of truly letting go of control and finally accepting life on life’s terms.

Why I say this is because something so simple and unaffecting to another continues to affect me greatly. Take for example me coming home late one evening recently, after having left earlier in the day to my extremely well-groomed yard and swept-clean driveway, only to see a gazillion whirlybirds from all the maple trees surrounding my home covering it all. Immediately, my OCD kicks in. My mind quickly races ahead to all the work that will be required to clean it up, including whether my partner will even help me with any of it. I spin out of control in the process and feel a total lack of control. Instead, my lack of acceptance becomes quite apparent and creates the exact opposite of peace within me. I then enter my home feeling charged, where having acceptance of life on life’s terms would have another individual entering their home without having given any of those whirlybirds even the slightest bit of negative thought.

The idea I’m turning 50 in a few weeks has really shed light on a part of my recovery from addiction. I still worry far too much in life because of my lack of acceptance with living life on life’s terms, and I lose an insatiable amount of peace in life because of it. I don’t want to spend what life I have left beyond 50 being like this. Yet, I haven’t been successful moving beyond it either. Maybe that’s because I frequently find myself thinking more about what it really means to accept life on life’s terms than just doing it? Instead of just doing it, I mind screw myself by constantly asking questions like, “Does me accepting this mean it’s always going to be this way?” or “Will me accepting this lead to feeling some sense of loss somehow?” or “Is me accepting this simply giving up in life?”

Being raised in the dysfunctional addicted family I was created this pattern that became the exact opposite of accepting life on life’s terms. And becoming the addict I became in life for as long as I was only made that worse. I spent decades not accepting life on life’s terms and instead striving for this, and striving for that, fighting for this, and fighting for that, believing I deserved this, and believing that I deserved that, all for what? It’s done nothing for me in life but stress me out immensely, which in turn has only stressed out everyone that has grown close to me. It’s affected my partner deeply at times, and my closest of friends as well. All because I never truly learned how to just accept life on life’s terms.

Turning 50, what I desire the most for the rest of what life I have ahead is to learn how to fully accept life on life’s terms. I want to be able to look at things like whirlybirds falling everywhere in my yard and driveway and not be bothered by them at all, instead having a sense of peace surrounding it, a peace that can only come from having acceptance.

Acceptance is such the foreign thing for many-an-addict, especially for those who come from addict-based families, as addicts in general tend to try to control everything rather than accept them as is. Finding recovery from addiction is about a lot of things, but one very important one is learning how to accept life on life’s terms, instead of always trying to control life. I’ve been in recovery long enough now to realize it’s the one area I could still use improvement in. I really just want to let go of whatever control I think I still need and instead leave it in God’s hands.

So, I pray God helps me find this as I turn 50. I pray God helps me move beyond this mid-life crisis, a crisis of my own making, one that’s very much due to my lack of acceptance of life on life’s terms, and directly based upon me not feeling in control. Because letting go of that control and accepting life on life’s terms will actually allow me to see something like whirlybirds falling from the sky as a gift of creation and a beauty of nature, and not solely as another angst in life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

When There No Longer Is Any Hidden Agenda To Doing Nice Things For Others…

My partner Chris and I got into an argument recently about the amount of time and effort I’ve been placing into maintaining a neighbor’s yard. I’ve been cutting, edging, weeding, and keeping up their yard care for well over a year and a half now simply because I care about what they’ve been going through and the struggles they’ve been facing in life. While many might question my motivation, thinking I have some hidden agenda, let me be clear in saying my only motive is to help another out of the kindness of my heart.

I frequently tell Chris that I do a lot for others these days because it makes me feel better in knowing I’m giving back now to a world that I once took so much from. Frankly, I’m trying to reverse my past where the addict I once was did far more in taking what it could out of people, places, and things, then in contributing something from my heart.

Sadly, active addicts are generally like that. They just take and take and take and take until the person they’re taking from becomes fully depleted and has nothing more to give, and that’s when the addict moves on to the next victim. I once was that addict, one who took so much from so many people. I don’t want to be that addict anymore, so I give back now and do things like taking care of a neighbor’s yard who’s struggling in life in many ways. My true motivation is merely to let them know someone cares about what they’re going through, and this is just one of those ways I show that.

I always tell Chris and others that I believe our Higher Power, whom I choose to refer to as God, sees the selfless things we do and occasionally gives us a little wink that says, “Hey, good job, I’m so proud of you.” I got one of those reminders the other day when I awoke late one morning and headed out to my mailbox to get the day’s mail. Within it was a card from this neighbor sincerely thanking me for all the yard work I’ve done for them and how appreciative they’ve been. When I saw they had also placed a $50 bill within it, I was immediately moved to tears because it’s something I didn’t ask for nor expect and felt it was one of those winks from God.

Nevertheless, I see the 12th Step of recovery as one that’s all about giving back. While its intention is more geared for helping another suffering addict once recovery is gained, I take it a step further by giving back to the world in as many ways as I can, including actions like me taking care of a neighbor’s yard. That’s a stark contrast from my old addict self who wouldn’t take care of anything for anyone else, unless I was going to regularly get something back. While I felt blessed to have received this gift from my neighbor, the fact remains I will continue doing the yard work for them, not for any future kickbacks, but simply because it’s in my spiritual makeup now to be there more for another than myself.

I hope to spend the rest of my life doing the best I can to keep helping others in this world know they do matter by continuing to do things just like this, by dedicating my time, my energy, and my love in a way that in the end will hopefully reverse the long stream of negative karma and selfish acts I lived in for so long when I was stuck in addiction. To wake up today and ask the God of my understanding how I may be of service to Him today, rather than wake up and ask myself who’s going to please me today, is the best gift that recovery from addiction has given me, one that continues placing myself more second than first in a world that was once quite the opposite…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson