Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and yelled, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up immediately. The husband said, “Who the heck was that???” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman asked if the coast was clear right when I picked up the phone!”

Silly Joke #2

A seriously drunk individual walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “You are a worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk you know that!” she screamed at him… “That’s funny,” he muttered, “because you even sound like her now too!”

Silly #3

An old man close to ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. “Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a beautiful 30-year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love and I’m still able to do that even at my age!!! In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love again!!! At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and we make love one final time!” The policeman looks at the old man and says, “With all that, why are you crying? You should be the happiest man in the world!” The old man responds, “I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

Silly #4 (Adult Humor)

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. He takes his shirt off and flexes his hugely muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to get really excited. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose in his underwear, and says, “See these bulging thighs baby? That’s another 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to long for some steamy action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she quickly buttons herself back up, grabs her purse, and is heading towards the door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you suddenly in such a hurry to go?” She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a tiny fuse, well…I really thought you were going to explode before we even began…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings!” “Well, that’s wonderful news!!!” the artist exclaimed. “So, what’s the bad news?” “Umm, well the gentleman was your doctor…”

Silly Joke #2

Arizona was having its worst heat wave in the state’s history. Jack decided one stifling afternoon to take a shower to cool down. “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack to his wife as he stepped out of it 10 minutes later. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this today?” “Probably that I married you for your money dear…”, she said with a sigh.

Silly Joke #3

A mother was trying very hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle for her four-year-old daughter’s meal. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister of your family’s church, dear” the man said to the little girl on the other end. “Is your Mommy available?” “No, Mommy can’t come to the phone right now…” the daughter said. “Cuz, she’s hitting the bottle really hard right now…”

Bonus Silly Joke (For Adults Only)

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her very elderly Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk outside. Well, who should be walking down the street in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up here for dear?” Not wanting to upset her Grandma, the young girl said that the police were giving out free oranges today and that she was lining up for some.” Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. When a police officer made his way down the line, he got to the Grandma at the end of it and was totally bewildered. “Forgive me Ma’am but, you’re so old, how do you do it?” Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry.”

Peace, love, light, and, joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Patient: “Doctor, I think I’m a moth.”
Doctor: “It’s not a doctor you need, it’s a psychiatrist.”
Patient: “Well, I was actually on my way there when I saw your light on!”

Silly Joke #2

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink. “Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked “I did, that is what got me into trouble” the accountant replied “I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it.”

Silly Joke #3

Two old ladies were outside their assisted living home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 

Lady 1: What’s that? 
Lady 2: A condom. 
Lady 1: Where and when did you get that? 
Lady 2: The drugstore the other day when they took us there… 

The next time the assisted living home took them to the drugstore, the first lady hobbled into it and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits a Camel.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?” Jeff admitted embarrassingly, “Well, yes I did.” She said “you can have it, but it will cost you $100.” After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?” Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you $100?” Sandy thought, ‘Oh God, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me $100.” “Good,” Dave says. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson