Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An angry wife calling her husband on the phone: “Where the hell are you?!”

Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and now blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

Silly Joke #2

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?”

He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…'”

Silly Joke #3

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be another 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared again. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. A few days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee when the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” That’s when the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He suddenly turned to Joan, “Crap, what am I going to do now, Joan?!” Joan replied, “Well, Joe, you could just leave the car in the darned garage today!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (*sigh*). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again (…???…) On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty that the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.” So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A guy goes to an interview for a government job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?” The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.” “Good,” says the interviewer, “that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?” The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled… but it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.” “Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we’ll get you started.” The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”  “Well, here in the government offices, we don’t do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point you coming in for that.”

Silly Joke #2

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!” “Speaking,” said the farmer.

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.” Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”

Bonus Silly Joke

The whole neighborhood knew it was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to them. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ “The breakfast was my idea.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, “I’m a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes.” The man says “That’s OK, two is enough.” “First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Poof – The genie hands the man a paper and says “Here’s the number to your account.” Next the man says, “Second, I would like to be irresistible to women.” Poof – the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

Silly Joke #2

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but you’ll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, you’ve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying!

Silly Joke #3

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?” The drunk says, “‘Cause I’m not finished yet…”

Bonus Silly Joke

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are you celebrating?” he asked. “For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!” “Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass. “As it just so happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they’re finally fertile.” “How did that happen?” “I switched cocks.” “What a coincidence,” she said, grinning.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson