Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, “Right, I’ll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis.” The old man didn’t quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, “What did the Doctor say?” The wife replies, “He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear.”

Silly Joke #2

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, “Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull.” “Oh, I see,” said the teacher, “but I’m sure your father could have done that.” “No ma’am, he couldn’t have,” said Johnny, “it has to be the bull!”

Bonus Silly Joke

An 8-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting exceedingly cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round because they were concerned, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”John says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants.”

Silly Joke #2

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and exasperation. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?””No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. “No! I told you already there’s no one here called Alf. Go away! If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says. His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.” “Then what’s exasperation?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. “Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.

Silly Joke #3

The other night, I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise,” were my last words.The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated. Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times! Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos! The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, “Midnight…like I promised!” He didn’t even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one! After a moment, he then replied, “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.” A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded: “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” …”Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”His wife then promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

And one more really ridiculous pun just because it’s my type of humor…

“My friend was running with cheese yesterday, but I told him to stop because it was sharp.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. “What seems to be the problem, madam?” says the store clerk at the customer service desk as she hands it to him. “I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way!”

Silly Joke #2

A woman and a baby were in a doctor’s examining room, waiting for the baby’s new Doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied. “Strip down to your waist,” he said. She did. He then pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight, you don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m sure glad my daughter had me bring the baby today!”

Silly Joke #3

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Delta,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “Delta?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people are trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Delta’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were totally overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me.” “Oh, really! What did he say?” “He said: ‘Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'”

Bonus Silly Joke

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. “I see you have put ‘ASAP’ down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put ‘AMAP’ down for required salary. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that before, what does it mean?” The applicant replied, “As much as possible!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson